ROB STOAKES REVIEWS - Shrek The Halls

Sponge Culture Reviews
Rob Stoakes Reviews

Shrek the Halls
2007
Gary Trousdale
DreamWorks

Prologue

Shrek the Halls, a televised movie involving Shrek trying to get the perfect Christmas. Running time? 27 minutes. Rating? PG, contains farting humour and one mild scary scene. Half the content? Trailers, including Madagascar 2 and Kung Fu Panda.

It’s not as if I have any great expectations, but by Yorbos this is bad! For the uninitiated, Shrek is a movie franchise which, for the first two films, focused on two things; reversing the tropes of fantasy fiction and fairy tales, making villains out of supposed heroes and vice versa, and mocking the over-commercialised state of children’s films such as Disney films of the time. While I personally didn’t enjoy Shrek or the sequel, I at least saw why they had become popular; it had a lot of farting, it constantly referenced pop culture that has since made the films incredibly dated, and that arsing great tit of a man Eddie Murphy was in it, who might be a perfectly nice man in real life but he isn’t making a very good case for himself, what with constantly trying to annoy me to death every time his dumb look lurches onto the screen as he warbles in that unbearable bizarre voice he has, kind of like Chris Tucker except that Tucker’s so fast talking and so high pitched it’s ironically likable whereas Murphy just makes me want to give him a vivisection with a nine iron...

Ok, I’m being very critical, but that’s what I am, a hateful, unimpressed king of misery, and I find it odd that Shrek started out mocking the overly commercial fantasy kids fiction and now is the most overly commercial of all of them, and it is RAMPAGING around the screen here. No need for more introductions. Let’s get jiggy with it.

Plot

So our plot begins, where else, in Shrek’s home swamp, where we see the answer to the question “What does the illegitimate offspring of Flubber and Alexei Sayle resemble?” himself as he sunbathes in his front yard. It’s a lovely sunny day, which is interrupted with the appearance of Donkey, the ultimate king of making-shit-pop-culture-references-to-things-that-wouldn’t-exist-in-this-fantasy-world. However, he doesn’t exercise his right to do so, instead opting to remind Shrek that it is exactly 159 days until Christmas. Cue the obligatory scene of the main character (in this case, Shrek) saying that he doesn’t care about Christmas, with sad music suggesting that this is the source of all his problems. Waa, waa, waa.

Quick detour – why is every damn modern Christmas film about somebody not liking Christmas and having to learn the true meaning of Christmas? What’s so fucking great about Christmas, a holiday in which we celebrate the plummet of civilised culture, the rise of commercialist selfishness and the birth of a stage magician who was only considered important because he claimed to be the son of an imaginary man in the sky ROFLMAO SATIRE LOL! This is why my favourite Christmas films of all time are Black Christmas and Gremlins. There’s no bullshit with them, just the true Christmas Spirit.

Cut to Autumn. Shrek is about to chop up some wood when Donkey gets in the way of the axe before Shrek chops down, shouting about Christmas. Shrek, startled, brings the axe down on Donkey’s head, killing him instantly. Although the charge was murder, Shrek managed to argue the case that it was an accident, and brings the charges down to Involuntary Manslaughter, and is released from prison ten years later. The End.

Ok, wishful thinking. No, DreamWorks wouldn’t dare kill off Donkey, that’d be an improvement to the series. Instead, Shrek throws the axe backwards despite already having the axe in the air before he was startled. In fact, his hands don’t actually move, it just flies backwards out of his hand as if he’s a fucking Jedi or something.

I’m not sure which is worse – Shrek looks as if he’s just been lobotomised, Donkey looks as if he wants to bum me and Puss looks as if he just HAS bummed me.

Donkey then suggests that Shrek gets some marshmallows for Christmas, because, and I quote ‘… because everybody knows that without marshmallows, sweet potatoes are nothing!’

To respond would be to qualify that retarded statement.

Cut to the day before Christmas Eve, and Donkey is still bothering Shrek, who hasn’t prepared for Christmas because he doesn’t know anything about it, and he doesn’t think his wife Fiona cares. Of course, immediately Fiona bursts out of the house for no reason to exclaim how excited she is for Christmas. Here’s another question; why didn’t she bring this up before now? It’s the 23rd, surely you would’ve asked Shrek is he’s decorated the house. Actually, you wouldn’t need to, just look around, but I digress. Also, Donkey refers to Fiona as Princess. In Shrek’s position, I’d fucking pile-drive Donkey into the ground. Flirting with married women in front of the husband is rude.

Anyway, Shrek rushes to a library to buy a book on how to make the perfect Christmas. Of course, he’s referred ‘Christmas for Idiots, a reference for the rest of us’ because nobody has ever made that joke before. Anyway, the world’s most annoying shop assistant gives him some advice, with her nasally voice and her talking speed as fast as a kangaroo on amphetamines that makes me want to KILL THAT BITCH ARGH!!! The advice mostly consists of ‘get a tree, decorate the house’ but most importantly ‘TELL A STORY’ because I remember being told a

Anyway, Shrek starts to decorate the house, using chunks of metal and bike wheels and all sorts of junk, to Donkey’s horror… ok, what the fuck is Donkey doing here? Does he just live in the house, he doesn’t seem to spend any time anywhere else. Fiona tells Donkey that Shrek and her just want a family Christmas, essentially politely telling him to go away and never come back, which of course means he will. Meanwhile, Shrek and Fiona have a montage of them getting everything ready for Christmas, with some shameful pop song over the top that makes me want to claw out my own eardrums.

That night, Shrek begins to tell his kids a story, but Donkey (ARRRGGGHHH!!!) comes in with every other fucking character in the entire series cramming into Shrek’s house, gate-crashing, replacing every one of Shrek’s possessions with Christmas iconography, kicking him out and making a mini disco. Shrek is unsurprisingly belligerent, and hides out in the toilet. Fiona goes to tell him to go back the house, and displays her complete lack of consideration of privacy by simply opening the door while Shrek’s taking a shit. JESUS CHRIST, WOMAN, WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS?! A MAN’S TOILET IS HIS CASTLE, DON’T JUST BURST IN, YOU SKANK!

So, Shrek goes back to tell his children ‘The Night before Christmas’, so Donkey interrupts so he can boast about his display, and Puss decides to tell a story about a Spanish Santa Claws BECAUSE HE’S A CAT HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAA! And then every other character gets in on the act, including Gingerbread Man giving us that “mild scary scene” we were told about…

… ok, so it’s Gingerbread Man, now called Gingy to prove that there is a name stupider than Billy-Bob in the world, and some gingerbread woman called Susie in a car making out, classic monster movie set-up, replete with ‘Did you hear something?’ and big shadows. In fact, I’m getting flashbacks to the Thanksgiving trailer in Grindhouse. Then the monster is a giant Santa, oh what a shocker. He reaches down to the car, Gingy leaps out of the way of the hand, leaving Susie to die when… HOLY SHIT! SANTA JUST DECAPITATES HER WITH A SINGLE BITE, CRUNCH SOUND EFFECT AND EVERYTHING!

By the end of this, we could end up watching Black Christmas.

Finally, a film we can all enjoy.

By the way, can you believe that there is this much padding in a 27 minute feature? I can’t! This is padded relentlessly and unendingly, which is odd considering that the first three scenes where fitted into the space of a minute, and that spans over half a year, while now what should take about one minute has taken ten minutes! Please, somebody stab me to death!

So, suddenly, due to various objects being kicked around the room, Shrek ends up having his house set on fire, his trousers set on fire, getting soaked in cold water, blinded by various objects ramming into his eyes and having his dinner smashed up. He flips his shit, sending everyone out of the house, and suddenly everybody thinks he’s the bad guy for being a Scrooge! Even Fiona shouts at him! In fact, she leaves him! And rightfully so! Damn you, Shrek! They were your guests! All they did was to break into your house, wreck all your stuff, set everything in the house including you on fire, ruin dinner, nick some stuff and not say please or thank you! HUMBUG TO YOU, SHREK! HUMBUG!

So Shrek mopes about as we get that fucking annoying Halleluiah montage we get in every movie, except this time it’s done with a Christmas carol. We cut to see Fiona, Puss, Donkey and all the others walking through the snow asking themselves whether or not Shrek overreacted or not. Then Shrek comes along. Doubtless, he’s here to berate them once again and ask for his stuff back, demanding that they apologise for ruining his Christmas with his family and indeed destroying his house, right?

No, of course not, that’d make sense. In fact, Shrek, the Scottish dimwit he is, has convinced himself that he’s in the wrong and is here to apologise! Of course, it’s only halfway through the film, so we have to make him fuck up saying sorry by calling them annoying, moronic, accusing them of taking being kicked out of the house the wrong way… and yet, I still think he’s too soft on them. THEY BURNT HIS HOUSE TO THE GROUND! HE’S AN OGRE, HE SHOULD RIP OUT THEIR SPINAL COLUMNS FOR THIS INSOLENCE!!! And of course, Shrek reveals his dark secret – he’s never had a Christmas before!

GASP! WHAT HORRORS! NO WONDER HE’S SO MISERABLE!

Well, what a good job you did of introducing him to the holiday, Donkey, you vandalising moronic annoying bastard!

So, Shrek invites everyone back into his home like the cowering bitch he is. They actually have a fucking sleepover, and demand that Shrek tell them all a bedtime story. Logic dictates that Shrek would simply tell them to go fuck themselves, but we’ll go by the movie’s logic…

So, Shrek tells a special version of ‘The Night Before Christmas’ but with him as Santa, as he goes into a house, makes the decorations better (for ogres, at any rate, because the biggest joke in the Shrek universe is that Shrek uses disgusting things for household appliances, a joke that’s been around since The mother-effing Flintstones) and promptly leaves. The entire sequence takes exactly one minute, and then the short’s over...

WAIT, THAT’S IT?!

All this time, we’ve been building up Shrek’s version of ‘The Night Before Christmas’ being the apex on which this story has been leading to… and it’s lasts less than a minute? Donkey’s version was longer! What was the point of all that build up to something that I could fit into the footnotes of a page on ‘Where The Wild Things Are’?!

Pass the bucket. I need to puke.

Animation

So, the animation… well, it’s DreamWorks so it’s at least competent, often quite good. It certainly looks professional, though DreamWorks have a real problem bothering to innovate with their animation. However, it’s wrought with inconsistency and odd out-of-nowhere moments. I’ve already mentioned the axe flying backwards, but there’s a lot of other stuff. For example, nobody’s quite sure how lighting works in the world, with a tiny candle easily making up for a searchlight, but a roaring flame only managing to give out a tiny splutter of light. The three little pigs also occasionally swap hats for no reason, though you could put that down to them swapping places seeing as they’re so underdeveloped it doesn’t matter.

Can’t say much else, and I can’t think of anything funny to say about the animation… so onto the acting and characters.

Acting/Characters

So, as we previously established, all the characters are colossal morons, whether it’s consistent with the rest of the series or not. Shrek’s being quite out of character to be so nice to people in my opinion, and Donkey is still an absolute raging arsehole, a hot poker to my ring piece every time the fucking prick comes on screen with Eddie Murphy’s braying irritating gibe a whole new level of hell for me… but we already know this, so let’s get to the acting. Well, Mike Myers plays Shrek with a skill anybody would master after ten years of this, so at least he’s good, and Eddie Murphy is every bit the aching nutsack we’ve come to expect, so at least it’s mostly consistent. I forgot that Fiona was voiced by Cameron Diaz, however, seeing as in this she sounds like a two year girl, but that’s the only real complaint. A bland mix all around.

Final Word

Why does this exist?

Seriously, why does this exist? It’s not as if DreamWorks profited from it. Despite it being a Christmas special based off one of the biggest family-film-phenomena of all time, on the BBC, for family viewing, and it barely got six million views. The barely remembered surreal cartoon Willow the Wisp got ten million views a week without trying back in the 70’s, when viewing figures weren’t quite so high. And it’s not like it sold well on DVD, despite the frankly absurd price tag. It’s the same price as Metropolis, a film that is one million hours long, and Shrek the Halls isn’t even half an hour long, and this film doesn’t carry the Christmas message, or indeed any message. It just shamelessly promotes and celebrates both the idea that kids will buy anything and that mediocrity is easier to create than greatness, and both points are proven wrong. This feature isn’t just bad, it’s fucking boring too. Say what you like about the puss-ball that was Shrek 3, at least I could sit up watching it, and considering the TV figures this got, even children weren’t impressed.

Shrek the Halls? Suck my balls, more like.

Oh, come on, like anything in this was funnier! See you next year for more information on the agonising death of culture.

The Films of 2010 - Part 4

VAMPIRES SUCK

When you make a parody of Twilight, a good idea would be for it to be better than Twilight. That’s right, Twilight, I’ll repeat, TWILIGHT, the single worst smash culture phenomenon in decades, is better than this film. HOW DO YOU DO THAT?! WHAT KIND OF MORON ARE YOU?! Oh, wait, it’s Seltzerburg, the same chimps who made Scary Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans and Disaster Movie, now I see why. However, they are showing signs of improvement, believe it or not. There’s less reference to celebrities than in Epic Movie, Scary Movie and Disaster Movie, and they also manage to stick to what they’re parodying, as opposed to Epic Movie, which just parodied what came out eighteen months prior including Nacho fucking Libre of all things. That and the guy who plays as Robert Patterson is really funny, a deadpan brilliance that really understands what parody means, unlike the rest of the film which is a twitching gibbering mess that drools blood and is an experience akin to having your teeth removed with a sledgehammer.

Rating: **

LET ME IN

I think something’s wrong with the actress who played Hit-Girl. She can’t stop playing bonkers murdering machines. If you went back in time and told Hitchcock about Twilight, then asked him to make it, it would look something like Let Me In, except not nearly as funny. Let Me In, a remake of the Swedish 2008 film Let the Right One In, is a film that really gives you a loop, because it’s a romance film of all things, and is genuinely sweet… then the vampire girl leaps up and brains somebody against a wall. This is one bloody movie, with people getting burnt and butchered left right and centre. And it’s a Hammer film, meaning that despite the horrific imagery, you will be giggling the entire way through despite the fact that it’s desperate to scare you. Though the ending, if you get it, is truly horrifying. It’s also one of the most enjoyable films of the year; original, strikingly beautiful and a much better romance than Sex in the City 2 or Eat Pray Love could ever hope to be.

Rating: ********

RED

I think Red was the film The Expendables should’ve been more like and indeed wanted to be more like. Decent action all round, and the underrated Bruce Willis does a brilliant job as always, showing us that he’s just as good a comedy actor as he is an action star. However, he isn’t the funniest thing in this film. No, that would be Adam Malkovich as an insanely paranoid ex-CIA agent. Ok, so this film is on the clichéd side and the plot is rock stupid, but it doesn’t matter too much. This isn’t Bladerunner we’re talking about. If you just want a film you can sit down and put on at any time, you could do a lot worse than Red.

Rating: ******

WILD TARGET

An odd ordering, seeing as this came out a lot earlier in Britain, but I couldn’t remember when, so American release date it is. So, it’s a romantic comedic action film; is it as good as Scott Pilgrim? Pfffffft BAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA no, but again, like Red, it doesn’t have to be. It stars Bill Nighy as Bill Nighy, Ron Weasley as Ron Weasley and that woman on the poster as whatever she did in the film. The action’s pretty piss poor, but the focus is on the comedy which is at least good. In fact, two highlights are Martin Freeman who plays a smug and ruthless assassin with ridiculous teeth that nobody ever brings up, and Rupert Grint, who’s played Ron Weasley for so long it seems he’s turning into Ron Weasley and it’s working really well for him. In fact, this isn’t the only film he’s the highlight of…

Rating: *****

HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS: PART 1

Yes, Ron Weasley is the best thing in a Harry Potter film, I didn’t see that coming. Actually, something is new; he’s the only good thing about this film at all. I kid you not, this film is absolutely dreadful, and it doesn’t make sense. Ok, I’m not the world’s biggest Harry Potter fan, but I really liked last year’s Half Blood Prince, which is odd considering that it’s the worst book of the series by a mile. Deathly Hallows (the book) bored me, but not quite as much as this film, which couldn’t be more boring if it tried to be. In fact, watch the film. All the main cast are teenagers, two dudes and one chick, in a world of supernatural creatures, walking endlessly and talking about nothing for two and a half hours, often in the woods, and is adapted from an incredibly boring, grossly overrated and poorly written book. Where have I seen this before?

OH SNAP!

Yeah, bet you didn’t call that! Twilight, the series that always envied Harry Potter, is now being ripped off by the very series it ripped off in the first place! Harry Potter is taking inspiration from Twilight! WHY? WHY WOULD YOU DO ANYTHING AS STUPID AS THAT?! WHAT THE HELL’S WRONG WITH YOU?! HALF BLOOD PRINCE WAS A GREAT FILM, I KNOW YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU STUPID, INCOMPETANT BUFFOONS!!!

Oh, and it has one of the single most disgusting images of the year – Daniel Radcliff and Emma Watson, naked, slobbering all over each other, tongues and all, and they for some reason resemble fish people. Even fan-fiction writers would be appalled, and not just because it’s not Cedric Diggory that Harry goes to town on. Pass me the vomit bag.

Rating: **

So, that’s it. Here’s to another year of idiocy and incompetence on part of the entertainment industry. Dive for cover.

The Films of 2010 - Part 3

SORCEROR'S APPRENTICE

… which is more than I can say for The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, a film I’ve already given an in-depth analysis on this site. A standard plot with gaping plot-holes, acting ranging from the very good Alfred Molina to the dreadful Jay Baruchel to the boring Nicolas Cage, who has actually given a performance worse than his performance in The Wicker Man remake. You know, the one were he gets in a bear suit and runs around an island punching lesbians and is killed by bees? Unbelievable, right? The Sorcerer’s Apprentice sorely reminded me of Percy Jackson, though there actually are redeeming qualities, such as the aforementioned Alfred Molina and the action’s very good. Harmless enough to watch, but I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone.

Rating: *****

INCEPTION

Every single critic from St. Petersburg to Sydney lined up to give this film a massive blowjob, and it’s not hard to see why. It’s a mainstream action film, as mainstream as you can get, but still original. Leonardo Di Caprio actually gives one of his best performances ever, a long way from his perpetual whining in Titanic and Romeo + Juliet, and he’s not the only good actor in the film. The plot is as complex and winding as a series of grapevines stuck in a washing machine and demands your constant attention to keep up, but the ticking time-bomb urgency this film gives off ensures that. And I will admit it, it’s a really good film, but I kept getting the feeling that we’ve been here before, and I’ll tell you why; The Matrix. Love it or hate it, you have to admit that what The Matrix brought to the table was new and exciting, whereas Inception hints at originality and does really clever things nobody has thought of before with what The Matrix brought, but has nothing new to bring. Is it a rip-off? No, but it reminds me of a child who saw a big kid wearing a leather jacket, and wore one too to show off to his friends while claiming that he never saw the other guy. No sir. The Matrix what now? Never heard of it. Speaking of which, have you seen my story? It’s got people entering deep sleeps and going into artificial worlds were anyone can be the enemy…

Rating: *******

THE OTHER GUYS

Will Ferrell… poor Will Ferrell… doomed to try out role after role, and no matter what he does, he will never find one as good as Ron Burgundy. He got such a good combination of annoying but funny, while in everything else without exclusion he's such a giant prick. Pity him. Pity him and Mark Walberg, both given average roles to play in an average buddy cop film... well, besides the fact that most buddy cop films make me want to claw my eyes out while The Other Guys made me laugh, walk out the cinema and forget what I just saw. It’s alright, but we aren’t talking The Naked Gun here. The good news is we aren’t talking about Police Academy either. A perfectly good film on its own merits, but put up next to any other film, it quivers shamefully as if it’s a cold day in the locker room. A good effort, but not going to make anybody’s jaws drop.

Rating: ******

SCOTT PILGRIM VS THE WORLD

Another film that I made clear of my opinion, and I stick by them. I called Four Lions the funniest film this year, and it is, but Scott Pilgrim is still really funny, and it has the best action scenes in any film of this year to boot, and it’s just as deep if not deeper than Four Lions. It says a lot about the human condition, and is uproariously funny. It’s a film so good, it makes Michael Ceria look like a really good actor. That’s insane. That’s like making eating a brick look like eating lobster thermidor, its madness. Still outshined by Ellen Wong and Kieran Culkin, but hey, baby steps. (EDIT: I kid, Ceria’s a better actor than people let on, and at least he isn’t Seth GODDAMMIT I HATE YOU Rogan) Is it Edger Wright’s best… well, I’d be lying if I said it was better than either Shaun of the Dead or Hot Fuzz, but it’s still something he should be proud of. Best film of the year, and considering the competition from Kickass and Four Lions and the fact that Michael Ceria in a lead role, that’s amazing.

Rating: *********

THE EXPENDABLES

Oddly enough, this was the film that the entire internet decided was at war with Scott Pilgrim… why? Because they’re both action films? Yeah, but they’re different kinds of action films. The Expendables is supposed to be a great big homage to bad 80’s action flicks of the Stallone and Schwarzenegger flavour, and yet still be a gritty realistic and modern action film at the same time. Is it? No, of course not. It goes too far to the grim and gritty, and thus is kind of bland. It also tries to appeal to us by having Sylvester Stallone, Jet Li, Jason Statham, Mickey Rouke, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger all in the same film. That’s a big sell. The problem? BRUCE WILLIS AND ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER DON’T DO ANYTHING!!! They’re cameos, and even then they don’t do any kind of action. YOU FOOLS!

These are my only real gripes. It’s an alright film, but generic as hell, a forgettable piece of filmmaking that isn’t bad in any way, but just… eh. Stallone, Li, Statham, Rouke, Willis and Schwarzenegger are all in better stuff. And on another note; The Expendables - stupid name. Expendable means that you really can do without it. I'd call rifles that didn't fire bullets but air expendable, not action heroes.

Rating: *****

The Films of 2010 - Part 2

CLASH OF THE TITANS

Or to give it its full name; SHAKY CAM WOOP WOOP WOOOOOOOOOOO VWOOSH CLANG CLANG boring talk about how shit the gods are VROOOOOM CLASH CLASH SHATTER BONK! Not a very good film at all. The action’s very good, or it is if we could see it, rather than staring a rock going at fifteen miles per hours across our screen with a lens flare at sunset with the occasional glimpse of a bald man in a skirt. Also, Titans don’t clash in the film. Nor gods. It’s just guy versus ape man, guy versus scorpions, guy versus snake lady, end of film. And the Kraken is the biggest let down in movie history. He’s epic in scale, sure, and he looks fantastic, the build-up to his arrival is omnipresent and when he does arrive it takes ten minutes for us to see him emerge fully from the ocean…

… then one hit with a Medusa head, a quick stab of the sword and POOF, he’s gone. Suck. My. Balls.

Rating: ***

KICKASS

Or to give it’s full name; VROOOOOM CLASH SWEARING CLASH SHATTER BONK BONK GORE DEATH BLOOD SILLY ACCENTS BLOOD BOOBS BLOOD, but now we can actually see it. The comedy… eh. It’s hit and miss. When it’s good, it’s really funny. When it’s bad, it’s cringe-worthy. The story’s kind of contrived, but hey, superhero film. But the action. Oh boy, the action. One word: Hit-Girl. While the rest of the action is really good, managing to keep a fine balance between visceral bloody realism and charming inventive silliness, whenever Hit-Girl, the most foul mouthed and violent character in recent fiction (and she’s played by a twelve-year old girl to boot), the blood and profanities really start flying in the best action sequences since The Matrix, and where you’ll find most of the film’s best laughs. A must-see for Hit-Girl alone, and the rest of the film is great too.

Rating: ********

IRON MAN 2

Snore, snore, snore. I still can’t believe people like this film. I mean, what the fuck’s wrong with you, Marvel? Iron Man was a great film, a non-stop barrel of fun, but this? It’s a 2 and ¼ hour long action film with ten minutes of action, and even that is pathetic. And trying to make Tony Stark a dramatic and troubled character is insane. He has so much loot lying around it’s frankly insulting, has Scarlet Johansson as a secretary who has a tendancy to not button up her shirt all the way (if she IS wearing a shirt, rather than that cat suit which I'm convinced was painted on her), has several sentient robot suits that do shit for him, has a fucking awesome house and basically rolls over in the morning to find nine beautiful women wearing a smile and little else when he can’t bonk Johansson. So he has blood poisoning due to his battery-heart thing? So bloody what? Ever heard of blood transfusions? Heart transplants? Do these concepts not exist in this world of flying robo-suits? This isn't the fucking 50's when Iron Man was originally created, this is 2010, damn it! Sadly, this and the lack of action are what drag this film down, no matter what the good cast and interesting villains can do.

Rating: ****

FOUR LIONS

Chris Morris of Brass Eye fame presents his first ever film, and in true Morris tradition, it has one of the most offensive premises in the history of cinema; a wacky comedy about Jihad terrorism. However, also a Morris tradition, it’s about something more than it lets on. This film is about more than just terrorism. It presents the three sides in the debate of Islamic Extremism; the terrorists themselves, where even the smartest and most competent of the group is idiotic to the point of psychosis (ironically, the most real portrayal of actual terrorists in the media), the authorities, who have the best of intentions but go about stopping the terrorists with such ineptitude that they’re almost half the problem, and other Muslims, who refuse to intervene for the stupidest of reasons. Heavy stuff there, and it all feels real and has such a dramatic weight, but it never detracts from the humour, which is outlandishly cartoony and funnier than pretty much any film made this year.

Rating: *********

TOY STORY 3

Believe it or not, a few years ago, I thought that Pixar were losing their edge. Cars wasn’t great and, at first, I couldn’t stand Wall-E. In time it grew on me, but for a moment, I was really worried that Pixar was faltering. Then Up came out, and is easily one of their crowning achievements. Pixar were clearly listening, and came to the conclusion that making people sad makes a film good. Not a true statement, certainly, but Toy Story 3 seems determined to prove me wrong, with one of the most effecting villains to come out of the cinema in a long time and some truly nail-biting drama involving our beloved toys and a big steaming furnace. Not quite as heart-achingly beautiful as Up, but what Toy Story 3 doesn’t have in the drama department, it makes up for in action and humour. Another funny film, but the action’s the real selling point, the break-out scenes being the highlight of the film. A very worthy end to one of the best trilogies in film’s history, Toy Story 3 is something you must see; otherwise the Thought Police will burst into your house and shoot you in the kneecaps…

Rating: *******

The Films of 2010 - Part 1

SPONGE CULTURE PRESENTS
THE FILMS OF 2010

So, here’s one for you. Every single film I saw this year that was released in this year. Now, a quick few disclaimers. Firstly, due to the number of films I saw this year, I won’t be going into too much depth. Secondly, no I haven’t seen every film this year. I didn’t see such dross as Twilight; Eclipse or such masterpieces as Shutter Island. If your favourite or pet-peeve isn’t on this list, I didn’t see it so don’t say ‘How dare you don’t say X is the greatest movie ever!’ and, before you recommend stuff, consider that I might plan on seeing them. Thirdly, I’m writing this on December 1st. So, December films won’t be reviewed unless I see them before I’ve finished writing. That means no Tron Legacy, no Machete, no Unstoppable (unless as I said I end up seeing them). I’m probably doing another version of this in sexy video format, so by then I might have seen those films.

The list is going in order of release rather than quality. This is also one of the few reviews to have a ratings system. HE-AR IST ZA KEY, MEIN FURHER!

* - Would rather set fire to my pubes and disembowel myself than watch again.
** - Made me puke in shame.
*** - Better than being lynched, though not much better.
**** - Forgotten it even exists.
***** - Enjoyed it at the time, but can’t remember much of it
****** - Good film, though don’t expect the Promised Land
******* - Well above average or even good film. Buy it on DVD next year.
******** - Watch only once. Watching it twice could ruin your appetite for other, not as good films.
********* - Near perfect. Better than riding a T-Rex.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Cheating here as it came out last year, but I saw it this year, so I’ll let it slide. Sherlock Holmes’s first outing in a very long time, and boy was it worth the wait. Ok, the plot’s ridiculous, the Rachel McAdams side-plot goes nowhere fast and the central mystery virtually non-existent and you aren’t given the clues necessary to work it out until the end, but the books were like that, and the two leads are worth the price alone. I wasn’t the only one to be cynical about Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law but they fit the roles beautifully and have a marvellous chemistry, the closest portrayal of either character yet. Coupled with great action, and you have one, dare I say, elementary ride AHH HA HA HA HA HA I’m clever.

Rating: *******

ARMOURED

Yes, I’m spelling it the British way. Go me. A kind of forgettable film. If you’ve ever seen any action film ever made, you’ve seen this. An interesting premise and a half-decent script doesn’t elevate this film above average scores, and the lacklustre action doesn’t help, but overall no big deal-breakers, and is better than sitting in at home bashing your head against a wall in sheer boredom.

Rating: *****

PERCY JACKSON AND THE OLYMPIANS; THE LIGHTNING THIEF


Thief is the word here. Thief of Harry Potter, of Lord of the Rings, of Eragon and indeed of any family film made since ever. The script, the set pieces, everything seems like what would happen if Harry Potter was from New York. Not to say this film brings nothing new to the table. It also brings terrible acting, a mess of a story, shitty effects and a complete disregard of the source material. Not a few changes made here and there, either, I mean EVERYTHING is different, and not just the stuff they changed for convinience such as 'Oh, the only actor we can find to play Grover is black, so we'll make him black' or 'Oh, we've ran out of money to create this great God-like special effect, we'll just make him look human but with some glowy stuff done in Photoshop', I mean stuff they didn't need to change but did anyway, to the point where the whole point of the original series is cast out; Percy is 16 instead of 10, the villain’s different, several major characters are nussubg, the plot’s changed completely and only one of the scenario’s from the book is used, and being a bad film, it’s the worst part of the book they kept intact. Thanks, Hollywood. And this is before you account for the film on its own merits. Worst film of the year, by a long, long way.

Rating: *

ALICE IN WONDERLAND

Tim Burton doing what he loves to do the most; pretending to be Terry Gilliam. Attempting to make a dark sequel to the original Alice in Wonderland, Burton instead makes yet another tiresome love letter to his wife Helena Bonham Carter and his other wife Johnny Depp. While all the other characters range from tolerable to very good indeed, particularly a surprisingly complex Alice, they get shoved to the side by JOOOOOOHNY!!! DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPP!!! and OMG BOHNAM CARTER IS CER-RAAAAAZY LOL ROLF LMAO!!! That and boring action and a story that spasms like a dying horse add up to an ultimately yawn-some experience.

Rating: ***

HUBBLE 3D

It’s hard to talk about a documentary made to show off the 3D technology of IMAX, because, well, it’s a documentary made to show off the 3D technology of IMAX. Nothing more. Nothing less. And yet… I loved it. It’s a truly masterful work, and I honestly couldn’t imagine watching it in 2D. It’s a really good film, not really going to tell you a lot about the human psyche, but it will tell you that calming New Age music combined with space imagery flying very slowly in your face will entertain you for longer than you’d think.

Rating: *******

ROB STOAKES REVIEWS - Cats and Dogs

Sponge Culture Reviews
Rob Stoakes Reviews

Cats and Dogs
2001
Lawrence Guterman
Village Roadshow Pictures

Prologue

There are some ideas that are truly brilliant, in both the scientific and media world. The toaster, Deep Purple’s Smoke on the Water, H.G. Well’s The Time Machine, eating meat, the wheel. However, many of them also bring up a big question. WHY DID NO ONE THINK OF THIS BEFORE?

I mean, 2001? THAT’S how long it took for someone to make a film about cats fighting dogs? I still don’t believe it, somebody MUST have done this kind of thing before. Toy Story wasn’t the first film about toys coming to life, so surely someone could’ve put two and two together and said ‘I’ve got the best idea for a kid’s film EVER!!!’ However, sometimes, when you have a unique idea, there’s a reason nobody’s thought of it before. I remember loving this film when I was a kid, but the thing is that it didn’t get a particularly good write up. Also, I remember really liking the little known Disney’s Action Game series, but besides A Bug’s Life they were horrible. So, am I just being a nostalgic weirdo, or is there really something in Cats and Dogs? Let us observe.

Plot

Our film opens with the montage of American suburbia you’ve seen in every single family film made in the nineties. It even has a jaunty combination of flutes and violas for the soundtrack. Jesus Christ, compared to this Vanilla Ice was black. So we start off with a crazed dog chasing a cat like mental. The chase is insanely cartoony, with dogs shaking their heads with that ‘walla walla walla walla’ sound effect, incredibly fake looking trees that bend if something the weight of a feather lands on it, fifties housewives with large apple pies and dogs smacking themselves on glass doors they thought were open before sliding down slowly. At the end of the chase scene, the bloodhound nearly gets the cat, before being kidnapped by a van with the license plate ‘CATZRUL’ on it. Hmm, I wonder if the director wants the dogs to win.

Now we are introduced to our first main character, a Shepard dog by the name of Butch, who goes into a hi-tech kennel that has technology James Bond would call unnecessary. He tells Dog Command that ‘Buddy’ has been catnapped. OH NO! What ever will we do without BUDDY!!! AAARRRGGGHHH! So, over the credits sequence we are narrated by the chief of Dog Command that Buddy was working on ‘the Brody case’ and though he is safe (how does he know?) he needs to be replaced as soon as possible, and that this is the work of a rogue feline cell (24, the domestic edition!). Apparently, the future of man and dog alike depends on ‘The Brody’s’ and, believe it or not, this scene is played with a completely straight face. Remember, the montage is of dogs swapping bones and getting onto planes. CATS AND DOGS! THE MOST DRAMATIC MOTION PICTURE OF THE DECADE!

In all fairness, I didn't take that film too seriously either


We then cut to meet our main character Lou, a Beagle played by Tobey Maguire of Spiderman fame. He dreams of freedom outside of the barn he lives in, desperate for adventure, and attempts to escape with a complete lack of success. He gets berated by his peers, which just goes to show that Tobey Maguire was playing Peter Parker before the Spiderman movies were even made. However, his peers are told to go with a large Doberman, who replaces them all with a crack unit of Doberman puppy agents. We then meet one of the Brody’s, played by Elizabeth Perkins, who adopts Lou over the others. UH OH! I SEE A HIJINKS A COMING!

So then we meet Scotty, Mrs Brody’s son, whose name suits a dog more than the actual dogs in this movie, but whatever. He’s not impressed by Lou, because Lou isn’t Buddy. Then we meet Mr Brody played by Jeff Goldblum AAARRRGGGHHH!!! MY EYES!!!

Ok, it’s easy to make Jeff Goldblum jokes so I’ll try to keep them to a minimum. He’s got an allergy to dogs that he is attempting to find a cure for. It’s an odd plot point, but hey, this is actually an interesting idea for research. It’s probably impossible, but hey, we could apply this kind of research to other allergies, like nuts or fish! This could save lives! We could even use the reverse! Topple oppressive dictatorships because they didn’t know that they couldn’t eat salmon! Annihilate armies by giving them allergies to peanuts and contaminating their water with peanuts! WE COULD DOMINATE THE WORLD! I COULD DOMINATE THE WORLD! I WOULD BE A GOD! I…

… I…

Oh yeah, the review.




It’s Dirty Harry!

So Scotty puts Lou out for a short while, and Lou sees a biscuit float down on a balloon, but Butch saves him from the explosion, as this was a trap. Butch starts babbling at Lou about his training and introducing him to his team, Peak the tech wizard, Sam a ninja sheepdog (stop laughing). However, Butch quickly realises that Lou hasn’t a clue as to what anyone is talking about, though it talks him longer than should’ve done, seeing as Lou often says ‘Sorry, but what is all this?’ I think Johnny English could’ve worked that out sooner than this moron.

Now we meet our villain, Mr Tinkles, Blofeld’s cat, who says nothing, does nothing, and really just walks about for five minutes until stopping. NEXT SCENE!

Actually, for that, we’ll have to wait for a while, because, like almost every movie I’ve reviewed so far, the plot just stops for fifteen minutes. Why is it that every single movie I watch has a beginning and an end but just forgets to have middle? The film suddenly becomes a series of random encounters in a fucking video game. You know when family movies in the early 2000’s would try to structure themselves by going ‘Beginning, nothing, action, nothing, nothing, action, nothing, action, ending’ or some variation of? It was to make video games easier to make. So, here’s a counter for boss battles throughout this movie, because there is a fight with ninja cats that doesn’t really have any purpose other than a boss battle.

BOSS BATTLE: 1

So Scotty goes to some football (or as Mrs Brody pronounces it “SOCK-errrr”) trials, and it’s revealed that he is absolutely shit at it. However, this allows Lou and Scotty bond, and we meet Ivy, an old flame of Butch who’s supposed to be a femme fatale, but whatever. Then we see Mr Tinkles, who is around for a minute to tell his servant to ‘send in the Russian’.

BOSS BATTLE: 2

A Russian Blue to be exact, a cute little kitten with a typical KGB voice who leaves me begging that he was voiced by Rudger Hueur. He wasn’t and he sounds nothing like him, but he should do. This guy manages to use fake dog poop concealed in a hairball to trick Mrs Brody into thinking that Lou shat on the carpet. I don’t believe that, though, it’s hard for me to swallow HONK HONK!

So, the lab door that contains the dog allergen is covered in plastic explosives that the Russian sets to explode. He then notices that Lou and Butch are in the house, and begins to rip the houses, and them, to shreds. However, the bomb is stopped, and the Russian is interrogated by Command with little success.

So, Lou and Scotty are bonding and playing football and generally having gun (kidnapping in 10, 9, 8…) when they accidentally go into Mr Brody’s lab, and their football smashes many glasses and spills all the juices into one another. Mr Brody’s comes back to find that the cure is completely ruined... or at least it should be, considering that the whole thing was completely smashed to pieces, but in fact, the cure now works. SCIENCE!

Mr Tinkles overhears that the cure is working, so he decides that now is the time for action. It is revealed that his comatose master is the CEO of a fake snow factory (bwuh?), and he uses his master to get into the factory, (with cats driving a limousine, no less. Why is this film taking itself seriously?) and fires all the employees, converting the building into his new base of operations. He then devises the next step of his plans, kidnapping the Brody’s and sending a ransom tape to Lou and Butch. The price for their release? The research! Gee, I wonder if he really will let them go.

So, once again, the plot stops for about ten minutes. We get five minutes of them wandering around Dog Headquarters and another ten of Lou and Butch going “We should save them.” “No we shouldn’t.” “Yes we should.” “No we shouldn’t.” Regardless of what anyone says, Lou takes the research to Mr Tinkles and, what a surprise, Lou gets swindled and beaten up. WELL WHAT A SURPRISE!!! It’s almost as if the evil cat owned by Ernst Blofeld was… LYING! Mr Tinkles reveals his plan, though, to inverse the formula and make everyone allergic to dogs. Hey, that’s my plan! It doesn’t matter, though, because Ivy has a tracking device on the limo.

OK, just one question… HOW IN THE NAME OF POSEIDON’S BEARD DID SHE GET THE TRACKING DEVICE ON THE LIMO?!?! SHE WAS BACK AT LOU’S HOUSE WHEN HE WENT TO RENDEZVOUS, SO DID SHE TELEPORT? DID THE LIMO PASS THE HOUSE?! WHAT HAPPENED?! TELL ME THE TRUTH!

So Mr Tinkles reveals to the Brody’s that he is a cat, and that his plan is to use mice to spread the allergen all over the world. He also tests his own formula on Scotty, making him allergic to dogs, before leaving them to die in a fire, along with his despised servant Calico.

However, his plan is thwarted by the dogs, and though he fights back…

BOSS BATTLE: 3

… he is defeated and dogs and humans are safe once again from the cat menace. Because apparently, all cats are scumbags! OWN A DOG AND ONLY A DOG! HATE CATS! BURN YOUR CATS!!! ARGH!!!

As you might guess, I’m a cat person.

Acting/Characters

So, the acting in this movie. Hmmm…

… give me a minute…

… huh.

It’s not bad, certainly. It’s just not good either. The actors play their parts adequately, with Alec Baldwin’s Butch being the typical jaded professional tasked with training naïve rookie Tobey Maguire, and they both do alright. Then there’s Scotty, and while not particularly brilliant, it’s good to see a kid in a family film who doesn’t act like the typical kid in a family film. He starts out kind of whiny but he keeps under control and only ever whines once or twice, he’s not very good at sport but doesn’t let it really bother him and he’s actually a half decent actor. Otherwise, pretty damn forgettable… besides Sean Hayes as Mr Tinkles, the villain, and this guy is AWESOME!!!

Sean Hayes is best known as Jack in Will and Grace, and his comedy roots shine through here. Despite the jokes themselves not being particularly funny (more on that later) this guy still had me in stitches, and yet still came across as a legitimate threat. I mean, ok, the plan was stupid, but he’s actually a good villain, smart, barely seen, mysterious, quite clearly insane and sadistic. By far his best moment is the ransom tape, because it’s bloody funny and yet still feels sends shivers down kid’s spines with his very real threat to kill the family if the research isn’t brought to him. One criticism, though – Blofeld’s voice, as in, he should’ve done a Blofeld impression. Come on, it was on a plate, Mr Hayes. Get on the ball!

Animation

Hurr hurr hurr, are you shitting me?

OK, so this was one of the earliest attempts to make convincingly real animation, and does it show or what! They apparently made the cats and dogs speak with three methods; just filming them, used for scenes were they would move realistically and you wouldn’t really see their mouths, puppets, for when they only had to move a small amount but unlike really cats or dogs, and CGI, for talking and crazy movement. And, well, it’s not seamless.

The puppets? Wibble wibble wabble wabble STIFF JERK sums it up nicely. And as for the CGI… well, they aren’t animated badly, but the humans in the original Toy Story were more convincing than these 3D models. The Looney Tunes in their live action films fitted in better than them. It’s animated well, and the models are incredibly detailed, but it’s the modelling that falls apart for this film. You can immediately tell the difference from a cat and a green ball on a stick.

Other Notes

So, the main two attractions of this film are comedy and action. The comedy can be summed up in a word. Crap. Besides Mr Tinkles’ dialogue, most of the jokes consist of dogs doing things dogs normally do, but repeatedly saying ‘make sure the humans don’t notice the bomb’. There’s also a tiresome collection of action movie tropes being enacted by animals, such as Matrix Bullet Time, pulling angry faces and ninja fighting. This film doesn’t quite understand the difference between parody and copying, a lesson that Seltzerburg seems to have also ignored in homage to this film.

Speaking of fighting, the action in this film is actually pretty good, which may sound strange after all the bashing I gave over the animation. The animation is very fluid, and this allows for some very creative fight scenes. A particular highpoint is the fight with the Russian Blue kitten, which is brilliant simply for the cathartic mess that ensues. Or even the CAThartic mess that ensues, HONK HONK HONK!

Oww.... my credibility

Final Word

So, this film has its ups and downs. It’s not incredibly funny but it’s got some really good action scenes, the heroes are one-dimensional but the villain is awesome. I could even recommend it for kids, and their parents should get a chuckle out of it. But the question that I wanted to answer was, did it hold up? Was it as good as I remember? Was it the glorious fleece of god that I did once worship?

In all honesty, no.

It wasn’t bad. I’ll give that. It is actually quite fun, but man was I disappointed. Maybe this is something just for children, but I was seemingly blinded. Maybe it was because there wasn’t anything like it at the time, where CGI was trying to fit in with live-action seamlessly, but it just falls short. Maybe it belonged in that time period that it inhabited. Vanilla Ice belonged to the early nineties. The Carry On Columbus film taught us all that we should keep Carry On films in the fifties to seventies and no later. Cats and Dogs is probably the best film I’ve reviewed so far, but it just doesn’t belong in the futuristic world of 2010 (or whenever you’re reading this). So what did they do?

They made a sequel, that’s what. Nine years later.

Silly silly film industry.

Nothing from me for the next two weeks. Apologies.

Let's Play Metroid Fusion; Part 2 - Duke Samus Forever

Ever thought that Metroid Other M would've been a lot better if Samus Aran had a Northern accent? Discover for yourself at the link below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARSUaiuNgYw

A Metroid/Duke Nukem crossover; yay or ney?