The Films of 2010 - Part 2

CLASH OF THE TITANS

Or to give it its full name; SHAKY CAM WOOP WOOP WOOOOOOOOOOO VWOOSH CLANG CLANG boring talk about how shit the gods are VROOOOOM CLASH CLASH SHATTER BONK! Not a very good film at all. The action’s very good, or it is if we could see it, rather than staring a rock going at fifteen miles per hours across our screen with a lens flare at sunset with the occasional glimpse of a bald man in a skirt. Also, Titans don’t clash in the film. Nor gods. It’s just guy versus ape man, guy versus scorpions, guy versus snake lady, end of film. And the Kraken is the biggest let down in movie history. He’s epic in scale, sure, and he looks fantastic, the build-up to his arrival is omnipresent and when he does arrive it takes ten minutes for us to see him emerge fully from the ocean…

… then one hit with a Medusa head, a quick stab of the sword and POOF, he’s gone. Suck. My. Balls.

Rating: ***

KICKASS

Or to give it’s full name; VROOOOOM CLASH SWEARING CLASH SHATTER BONK BONK GORE DEATH BLOOD SILLY ACCENTS BLOOD BOOBS BLOOD, but now we can actually see it. The comedy… eh. It’s hit and miss. When it’s good, it’s really funny. When it’s bad, it’s cringe-worthy. The story’s kind of contrived, but hey, superhero film. But the action. Oh boy, the action. One word: Hit-Girl. While the rest of the action is really good, managing to keep a fine balance between visceral bloody realism and charming inventive silliness, whenever Hit-Girl, the most foul mouthed and violent character in recent fiction (and she’s played by a twelve-year old girl to boot), the blood and profanities really start flying in the best action sequences since The Matrix, and where you’ll find most of the film’s best laughs. A must-see for Hit-Girl alone, and the rest of the film is great too.

Rating: ********

IRON MAN 2

Snore, snore, snore. I still can’t believe people like this film. I mean, what the fuck’s wrong with you, Marvel? Iron Man was a great film, a non-stop barrel of fun, but this? It’s a 2 and ¼ hour long action film with ten minutes of action, and even that is pathetic. And trying to make Tony Stark a dramatic and troubled character is insane. He has so much loot lying around it’s frankly insulting, has Scarlet Johansson as a secretary who has a tendancy to not button up her shirt all the way (if she IS wearing a shirt, rather than that cat suit which I'm convinced was painted on her), has several sentient robot suits that do shit for him, has a fucking awesome house and basically rolls over in the morning to find nine beautiful women wearing a smile and little else when he can’t bonk Johansson. So he has blood poisoning due to his battery-heart thing? So bloody what? Ever heard of blood transfusions? Heart transplants? Do these concepts not exist in this world of flying robo-suits? This isn't the fucking 50's when Iron Man was originally created, this is 2010, damn it! Sadly, this and the lack of action are what drag this film down, no matter what the good cast and interesting villains can do.

Rating: ****

FOUR LIONS

Chris Morris of Brass Eye fame presents his first ever film, and in true Morris tradition, it has one of the most offensive premises in the history of cinema; a wacky comedy about Jihad terrorism. However, also a Morris tradition, it’s about something more than it lets on. This film is about more than just terrorism. It presents the three sides in the debate of Islamic Extremism; the terrorists themselves, where even the smartest and most competent of the group is idiotic to the point of psychosis (ironically, the most real portrayal of actual terrorists in the media), the authorities, who have the best of intentions but go about stopping the terrorists with such ineptitude that they’re almost half the problem, and other Muslims, who refuse to intervene for the stupidest of reasons. Heavy stuff there, and it all feels real and has such a dramatic weight, but it never detracts from the humour, which is outlandishly cartoony and funnier than pretty much any film made this year.

Rating: *********

TOY STORY 3

Believe it or not, a few years ago, I thought that Pixar were losing their edge. Cars wasn’t great and, at first, I couldn’t stand Wall-E. In time it grew on me, but for a moment, I was really worried that Pixar was faltering. Then Up came out, and is easily one of their crowning achievements. Pixar were clearly listening, and came to the conclusion that making people sad makes a film good. Not a true statement, certainly, but Toy Story 3 seems determined to prove me wrong, with one of the most effecting villains to come out of the cinema in a long time and some truly nail-biting drama involving our beloved toys and a big steaming furnace. Not quite as heart-achingly beautiful as Up, but what Toy Story 3 doesn’t have in the drama department, it makes up for in action and humour. Another funny film, but the action’s the real selling point, the break-out scenes being the highlight of the film. A very worthy end to one of the best trilogies in film’s history, Toy Story 3 is something you must see; otherwise the Thought Police will burst into your house and shoot you in the kneecaps…

Rating: *******