Sponge Culture Reviews
Rob Stoakes Reviews
STREET FIGHTER
1994
STEVEN E. DE SOUZA
COLUMBIA/UNIVERSAL
Prologue
Gaming in the mass media doesn’t have the greatest of faces. Sure, ‘games-are-art’ critics will tell you about the political criticisms prevalent in Bioshock, or the questioning of how far you go to bring a loved one back in Shadow of the Colossus, or even the addressing of the balance between the goods of the many with the rights of the few in some parts of Fallout 3, but put in front of some balding fat man who can tell you about the hidden meaning of EVERY SINGLE Donatello fresco from memory WITHOUT FAIL, MEIN FUHRER and all the well-structured arguments in gaming’s favour falls apart because the fat man dribbles and spits and shouts and rambles. “RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES ARE BAD, BUT I JUST LOOOOOOVE CLOCKWORK ORANGE! RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE!” And the audience nod in agreement because they’ve heard of Clockwork Orange. They’ve seen the Mona Lisa. The last they saw of gaming was DOOM, and that was on a news report about Columbine. There’s a reason for this. Mainstream culture treats gaming like shit.
Films based on video games are the best example. I mean, did anybody actually read the script put forward for this movie? "So, yeah, this guy, he's bad, and Jean Claude Van Damme is good, and he goes 'I'll stop you' and the bad man goes 'Oh no, you won't, for I have electric suit and can fly' and he flys around going vrrrrom whoooosh neeeeeeeaaaawww!" Mind you, I would've told the scriptwriter to leave once Van Damme was mentioned, but still, did anyone actually say "This is shit! This is absolute shit! Why are we doing this?"
Rob Stoakes Reviews
STREET FIGHTER
1994
STEVEN E. DE SOUZA
COLUMBIA/UNIVERSAL
Prologue
Gaming in the mass media doesn’t have the greatest of faces. Sure, ‘games-are-art’ critics will tell you about the political criticisms prevalent in Bioshock, or the questioning of how far you go to bring a loved one back in Shadow of the Colossus, or even the addressing of the balance between the goods of the many with the rights of the few in some parts of Fallout 3, but put in front of some balding fat man who can tell you about the hidden meaning of EVERY SINGLE Donatello fresco from memory WITHOUT FAIL, MEIN FUHRER and all the well-structured arguments in gaming’s favour falls apart because the fat man dribbles and spits and shouts and rambles. “RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES ARE BAD, BUT I JUST LOOOOOOVE CLOCKWORK ORANGE! RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE!” And the audience nod in agreement because they’ve heard of Clockwork Orange. They’ve seen the Mona Lisa. The last they saw of gaming was DOOM, and that was on a news report about Columbine. There’s a reason for this. Mainstream culture treats gaming like shit.
Films based on video games are the best example. I mean, did anybody actually read the script put forward for this movie? "So, yeah, this guy, he's bad, and Jean Claude Van Damme is good, and he goes 'I'll stop you' and the bad man goes 'Oh no, you won't, for I have electric suit and can fly' and he flys around going vrrrrom whoooosh neeeeeeeaaaawww!" Mind you, I would've told the scriptwriter to leave once Van Damme was mentioned, but still, did anyone actually say "This is shit! This is absolute shit! Why are we doing this?"
So why did they do this? Let's see why. Actually, let's not. I'll tell you what it's like so you don't have to watch it, because I'm nice. Seriously, don't watch it. Don't. DON'T!!!
Plot
I could simply say ‘What plot?’ but I’ll be better than that.
Our film opens with a news bulletin on the civil war in the made-up country Shadaloo, as the capital, Shadaloo City, has just fallen to the AN Forces. AN stands for Allied Nations, which raises the question of how this is a civil war if it’s a drugs lord working in the country against an invading force, but I’m distracted by the name Shadaloo. You are kidding, right? Shadaloo sounds less like a country and more like the Hebrew word for a tight squeeze. Shadaloo? Shadaloo? This proves how much Hollywood knows about what’s west of Seattle and east of New York. How about researching country names of the continent you’re going for and drawing inspiration, like Papua New Guinea… Thailand… China… Papilana! Even just reversing the name of an already existing country would do, like Aknalirs or Napaj, but Shadaloo? That’s not a country, that’s the Chinese takeaway on my street!
Anyway, we see that our main villain, M. Bison is watching the news bulletin. He has captured some AN workers (you know, the UN don’t mind if you use their name, but fine) who were in the country to fight him. I’m not sure about the UN, sorry, AN’s policy to war is but if they send workers in a war-torn area, it’s generally to hand out Aid and escort refugees to safety rather than actually fighting. Bison then tells one guy to punch him. The guy misses, without Bison actually moving. He break the dude’s neck, and then another dude, because being a power mad dictator fighting the AN wasn’t enough of an indicator to show how EVIL he is. MWUH HA HA HA HA HA!!
And, hey kids, it’s Jean Claude Van Damme! Say hi, everybody! This is Colonel Guile, the all-American apple-pie eating Uncle Sam saluting finger-licking good hero, except for the fact that he’s not American and he’s a complete berk. He calls Bison a bastard, a bitch and a narcissist on live TV, because taunting the crazy dictator will certainly improve the situation for the hostages. Also, since when did the UN, sorry, AN hire colonels? Or have an army? Officially, I’m calling the AN the American Army, because that’s who they are, even if Guile does hail from a small village outside of Bruges.
So anyway, Bison somehow turns the camera into a speaker phone and tells Guile that he has three days for America to give him twenty billion dollars which he could easily make through his drugs cartel, but whatever. Guile, like the clueless fuck-nugget he is, says ‘Charlie, hang on buddy, we’re coming!” Or rather; “Chaaaaly, harng on boody, we’re carming!” Good idea, Guile. Tell Bison that one of your friends is in there. I’m sure that won’t threaten his safety a single notch.
Plot
I could simply say ‘What plot?’ but I’ll be better than that.
Our film opens with a news bulletin on the civil war in the made-up country Shadaloo, as the capital, Shadaloo City, has just fallen to the AN Forces. AN stands for Allied Nations, which raises the question of how this is a civil war if it’s a drugs lord working in the country against an invading force, but I’m distracted by the name Shadaloo. You are kidding, right? Shadaloo sounds less like a country and more like the Hebrew word for a tight squeeze. Shadaloo? Shadaloo? This proves how much Hollywood knows about what’s west of Seattle and east of New York. How about researching country names of the continent you’re going for and drawing inspiration, like Papua New Guinea… Thailand… China… Papilana! Even just reversing the name of an already existing country would do, like Aknalirs or Napaj, but Shadaloo? That’s not a country, that’s the Chinese takeaway on my street!
Anyway, we see that our main villain, M. Bison is watching the news bulletin. He has captured some AN workers (you know, the UN don’t mind if you use their name, but fine) who were in the country to fight him. I’m not sure about the UN, sorry, AN’s policy to war is but if they send workers in a war-torn area, it’s generally to hand out Aid and escort refugees to safety rather than actually fighting. Bison then tells one guy to punch him. The guy misses, without Bison actually moving. He break the dude’s neck, and then another dude, because being a power mad dictator fighting the AN wasn’t enough of an indicator to show how EVIL he is. MWUH HA HA HA HA HA!!
And, hey kids, it’s Jean Claude Van Damme! Say hi, everybody! This is Colonel Guile, the all-American apple-pie eating Uncle Sam saluting finger-licking good hero, except for the fact that he’s not American and he’s a complete berk. He calls Bison a bastard, a bitch and a narcissist on live TV, because taunting the crazy dictator will certainly improve the situation for the hostages. Also, since when did the UN, sorry, AN hire colonels? Or have an army? Officially, I’m calling the AN the American Army, because that’s who they are, even if Guile does hail from a small village outside of Bruges.
So anyway, Bison somehow turns the camera into a speaker phone and tells Guile that he has three days for America to give him twenty billion dollars which he could easily make through his drugs cartel, but whatever. Guile, like the clueless fuck-nugget he is, says ‘Charlie, hang on buddy, we’re coming!” Or rather; “Chaaaaly, harng on boody, we’re carming!” Good idea, Guile. Tell Bison that one of your friends is in there. I’m sure that won’t threaten his safety a single notch.
Bison runs over to Charlie, or Carlos Blanka to give his full name, and tells them to take him to the lab. Why? I don’t know. Though I know that Blanka is the name of a character who was essentially the Hulk mixed with Johnny Rotten, and that he WASN’T called Charlie OR Carlos before he became Blanka. Consistency? Who needs it when you have blue camouflage?
So now we cut to two guys walking through a big fighting ring where… Machete is fighting the Shredder? Anyway, these two new guys, who are weapons dealers, meet up with Sagat, played here by Blofeld. He gives them the money and says that he already has the weapons, begging the question of why he gave them the money. He tells some dudes to kill them without guns, so of course, shit goes down. Sagat decides not to kill the two dudes, impressed by their ability to beat up people who have no martial arts training.
We then cut back to Bison, who goes up to some unwilling scientist who is turning Blanka into the ultimate soldier, by putting 3D glasses in front of his face. SCIENCE! Then we get this dialogue:
BISON: “You have the perfect soldier.”
SCIENTIST: “You mean the perfect killer!”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sw6ndZNLYUA
OF COURSE HE’S THE PERFECT KILLER, YOU NONCE! THAT’S WHY HE’S THE PERFECT SOLDIER! WHAT KIND OF GONK ARE YOU? HOW THE HELL DID YOU BECOME A SCIENTIST? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU TOTAL, ABSOLUTE, MORONIC GONK!
I can’t believe that we’re only ten minutes through.
So now we cut to two guys walking through a big fighting ring where… Machete is fighting the Shredder? Anyway, these two new guys, who are weapons dealers, meet up with Sagat, played here by Blofeld. He gives them the money and says that he already has the weapons, begging the question of why he gave them the money. He tells some dudes to kill them without guns, so of course, shit goes down. Sagat decides not to kill the two dudes, impressed by their ability to beat up people who have no martial arts training.
We then cut back to Bison, who goes up to some unwilling scientist who is turning Blanka into the ultimate soldier, by putting 3D glasses in front of his face. SCIENCE! Then we get this dialogue:
BISON: “You have the perfect soldier.”
SCIENTIST: “You mean the perfect killer!”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sw6ndZNLYUA
OF COURSE HE’S THE PERFECT KILLER, YOU NONCE! THAT’S WHY HE’S THE PERFECT SOLDIER! WHAT KIND OF GONK ARE YOU? HOW THE HELL DID YOU BECOME A SCIENTIST? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU TOTAL, ABSOLUTE, MORONIC GONK!
I can’t believe that we’re only ten minutes through.
So the weapons dealers, Ryu and Ken as they are called, are fighting the Shredder when Guile and the rest of the US army rush in, tearing shit up and arresting everyone. Guile meets up with Ryu and Ken in jail and tells them to cause a jail break and shoot him, then somehow they’ll get into Bison’s lair. Get out of jail; shoot man, teleport to Bison. SUCCESS! They don’t tell anyone else, though, so everybody goes all mopey about oh no Guile’s dead what will we do without the man who thought blue camouflage was a good idea? A reporter called Chun Li puts a tracking device onto the truck, and then tells the news that Guile’s dead. Bison sees this and decides to take over the world.
Oh fine, I give in: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8u7px_GzWQ
Anyway, Chun Li finds out about Guile’s plan, ruining all suspense this scene might have had. She tells him that she wants to kill Bison, and escapes the prison guards for some reason.
We cut to a city where M. Bison and Sagat meet up to watch a woman sit in a jar, which is considerably more entertaining than this movie. Ken runs off with some woman dancer for some hanky panky, but it’s actually Chun Li, and she has two friends, Lord Tubby and a black man wearing a turban… oopsies. Anyway, they plan to blow M. Bison up, but it doesn’t work…
Argh, we’re not half way yet? Seriously? Hasn’t it been two hours?
… not even 45 minutes. Damn it!
Oh fine, I give in: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8u7px_GzWQ
Anyway, Chun Li finds out about Guile’s plan, ruining all suspense this scene might have had. She tells him that she wants to kill Bison, and escapes the prison guards for some reason.
We cut to a city where M. Bison and Sagat meet up to watch a woman sit in a jar, which is considerably more entertaining than this movie. Ken runs off with some woman dancer for some hanky panky, but it’s actually Chun Li, and she has two friends, Lord Tubby and a black man wearing a turban… oopsies. Anyway, they plan to blow M. Bison up, but it doesn’t work…
Argh, we’re not half way yet? Seriously? Hasn’t it been two hours?
… not even 45 minutes. Damn it!
“OK Bison, there’s only one way to settle this. A Wet T Shirt Contest!”Anyway, because Ryu and Ken gave the thing away, M. Bison tells them that they can work for him, so now Guile knows where he is because of the tracking device. Finally, can we get to the end?
NO! Of course not, we have to get there, and of course, we have to have fight scene after fight scene after fight scene. The only change comes when some British prick whose obsessed with instructions and talking with a stiff upper lip says that they’re going to pay M. Bison, with the tone of voice of a man who gets sexually aroused by smelling his own farts BECAUSE ALL PEOPLE WHO WANT TO STOP NEEDLESS SLAUGHTER AND PREVENT PUTTING PEOPLE’S LIVES AT RISK ARE TIGHT ARSED BELLENDS WHO ARE WRONG!!! LET’S PUT ALL THOSE HOSTAGES LIVES AT RISK RATHER THAN PAYING BISON, THEN TAKING THE MONEY BACK FROM HIM WHEN HE LETS THE HOSTAGES GO!!! THAT’S FOR WIMPS!!! LETS GO KICK SOME PUSSY ASS!!! GO AMERICA!!! WOO WOO WOO WOO!!!
So from finding out where M. Bison is, it takes the film another 40 minutes before it finally has Guile and Bison face off. And the palace was just down the river from where the AN Base was! Surely you could have found it quicker. A look outside would tell you where the gormless madman was.
So of course we have ANOTHER fucking fight scene, and then the movie’s over. Oh, wait, no it isn’t, because M. Bison starts to fly now and starts beating Guile up while Guile decides not to fight back. This is interlaced with a fight between whats-iz-chops and Wolverine. FINALLY Guile fights back and kills Bison with one kick into a giant telly. Then the building blows up with Blanko and the scientist dude who’s blacked up since when we saw him last time still inside. By the way, thanks for showing that they were in there, they impacted the story a but-ton, didn’t they? Then the movie ends, and my eyes stop bleeding.
Acting/Characters
The acting…
… oh, boy, the acting…
Well, Jean Claude Van Damme gives his usual high standard of acting, making a foghorn being repeatedly sounded in a swimming pool sound coherent, and makes a bucket of gravel seem emotional. Oddly enough, he doesn’t fight as much as you’d think, what with him being the protagonist in a film called Street Fighter and everything. Seeing that’s all Van Damme’s good for, the casting director clearly had no clue as to what he was doing.
Then there’s Raul Julia and, wow… this is a long way from King Lear, isn’t it? I’ve heard a lot of praise for Raul Julia but here he’s just crap. I could blame bad directing, but clearly, M. Bison is supposed to be a serious villain in this film, a scheming Hitler-like figure, while Julia plays him for laughs. A slightly more professional critic would blame the casting director but I am a foolish mud-covered pleb, so I shall grunt and blame Julia for phoning in this role. Ooog ooog ooog. The other actors aren’t really of note. They are passable but not particularly convincing actors. No stand out performances or deal breakers to be found. Though that might be because they’re standing next to Van Damme and look good by comparison.
Oh, and don’t believe the poster, Jean Claude Van Damme gets barely any screen time. The main character’s really Chun-Li, the news reporter secret agent woman thingy. Seriously, what is her job? Does she work for an agency, is she a spy, or is she just some chick off the street whose career choices are based off getting at Bison? Though, back on topic, she has the most screen time, other than oddly enough Bison himself. She could’ve had the final showdown with him and it wouldn’t have changed a thing. In fact, does Guile do anything in this film? Get shot… talk silly… grunt…
Other Notes
One of the oddest things in Street Fighter is the action, or rather, lack of. Seriously, in the first half of the movie, there’s essentially no fighting, except for Ryu and Ken scrap with Wolverine. All characters just talk about “Hey, maybe we’ll fight him, though we might not, though we really should, yeah, but we might not, but if we tried really really hard we could, or could we?” Then the second half turns up, looks at the first half’s dialogue and discussing and decides to balance it out by having nothing but fighting. I seriously think only ten lines of dialogue are murmured from the moment Guile finishes his speech to when the credits roll. It doesn’t make sense!
Also, I’m very disappointed in the lack of streets. The name Street Fighter implies that there will be fighting, and it will take place in the streets. However, we don’t go to the streets. In fact, where are we? Shadaloo has some strange geography, maybe even stranger than the Digital World in Digimon, where volcanoes are slap bang next to an Arctic tundra. First we’re in an Middle Eastern urban area, then we’re in a jungle, then we’re at a camp in the desert, then we’re on the planet Naboo, and then we’re on the Death Star. I think I know why Bison wants to leave Shadaloo and take over the world. Anything to get away from this dump.
Final Word
This film is 104 minutes long. Ran is 160 minutes long. Guess which one felt longer.
Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadies?
Whenever I think of bad video game movies, this film instantly crops to mind. Even Uwe Boll would have a hard time matching this brain draining fart. Super Mario Bros. was better, as was Alone in the Dark. I’m not even a Street Fighter fan, and I hate it enough as it is. Maybe if I were, I’d be chewing at the cassette demanding blood, howling and wailing like some wild man. I’m not sure what I’d consider worse than this movie, but cutting one of your own bollocks off wouldn’t be it. Maybe after that you could stare at the bloody ball for an hour as it dries. This movie is less entertaining than that experience, and I’d sooner recommend having an hedgehog sewn to your face by a blind man.
So, M. Bison. Is this movie bad?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3ALwKeSEYs
No reviews from me for the next two weeks. Maybe Sean will do something, and maybe I'll grow a third ear.
Whenever I think of bad video game movies, this film instantly crops to mind. Even Uwe Boll would have a hard time matching this brain draining fart. Super Mario Bros. was better, as was Alone in the Dark. I’m not even a Street Fighter fan, and I hate it enough as it is. Maybe if I were, I’d be chewing at the cassette demanding blood, howling and wailing like some wild man. I’m not sure what I’d consider worse than this movie, but cutting one of your own bollocks off wouldn’t be it. Maybe after that you could stare at the bloody ball for an hour as it dries. This movie is less entertaining than that experience, and I’d sooner recommend having an hedgehog sewn to your face by a blind man.
So, M. Bison. Is this movie bad?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3ALwKeSEYs
No reviews from me for the next two weeks. Maybe Sean will do something, and maybe I'll grow a third ear.
