ROB STOAKES' TOP FIVE: Most Overly Hated

Sponge Culture Reviews
Rob Stoakes Reviews

Top Five Most Overly Hated Films/Games/TV Shows/Books

Prologue

So you go to the cinema. You talk to the spotty boy who gives you your ticket. You buy the overpriced food and the popcorn that smells funny. You squeeze past the portly gentleman who literally wallows in his bucket of Pepsi. The gaudy adverts for stuff you don’t need roll by, uninteresting to you. You notice that guy from thingamy-whats-it talking about piracy, and you nod silently, pretending that you don’t own ANY pirate DVDs when in fact you downloaded District 9 just before you came. Then, finally, the movie begins. It stars that guy whose name always escapes you, and is directed by that guy who did that film you really liked, if only you could remember what it was. After a good while, the film’s over. It wasn’t great, you thought some of the acting was a little dodgy, but overall, you actually had some fun, and it’s more entertaining than sitting at home doing nothing, right?

Well, you’re wrong, and everyone else in the building is about to prove you wrong, as they stand up in unison, bellowing and booing and howling as if they had just witnessed their only child get pissed on by Piers Morgan. They bite the chairs, they fling their food and they chant death threats to whatever maniacal deity of evil commissioned this atrocity. You decide not to point out the futility of booing at a projector, and go back home, desperately looking for problems with that film, and you shout to yourself “This is quite clearly the worst film ever made! Everyone else said it. Say it too! Fit in! Join the herd! Say it! SAY IT!” But you can’t, because deep down, you know that you’re right. That film was not nearly as bad as everyone said it was. And now, let’s honour those films, books, games and TV programmes that undeservedly get shot in the foot by the critics and the general public. Because fuck them all, what do they know? They complain about this, that, and whatever and refuse to accept that it’s not as bad as they say. Remember, Pearl Harbour, Harry Potter and Love Actually are all well-received, so they must be wrong, right?

The average cinema goer’s face when somebody dangles keys in front of them. Durr hurr hurr hurr hurr, shiny, durr hurr hurr, made by Michael Bay, durr hurr hurr.

Now, this list isn’t rated on how good the film is, but how hated it is. Number 5 maybe superior to Number 1, but Number 2 may be superior to Number 3. They might not be; I’m just using an example. Shut up, I’m too beautiful.

Number 5 – Maciste contro i cacciatori di teste

(More commonly known as Colossus and the Head-hunters)

And immediately we start with what is purported to be the worst sword-and-sandal film ever made. A lot of complaints are piled up against this film, such as the insanely simple plot or the plain old nasty English dubbing, with such lines as “Itsimpossibleforyoutomissmeatthisdistancesopleasehitthatshoulderplease” which, of course, is all one word. However, a lot of people forget that almost EVERY film was like this. It was made in a time when suddenly every film had to be an epic. Sinbad the Sailor, Ali Baba, Jason and the Argonauts, all those films. Remember, these kinds of films are either remembered with great fondness or forgotten completely, but really, there’s nothing too distinct about them anymore, unless they either involved Ray Harryhausen or Raquel Welch. I really like these kinds of films, and Maciste contro i cacciatori di teste is no exception.

Today, this film is remembered as a B-Movie, but it really isn’t. Look past the poor dubbing, and you see that the actual writing is fairly standard for the time, and it’s not bad writing either. The story is fairly safe but compelling, and the action is actually very good for this time. You see, this is was back in the good old days before Paul Greengrass and the obsession with shaky cameras. A fight scene used to be where you’d put one or two cameras around and simply say to the actors “Punch each other’s brains out.” And they’d do it. In fact, compare this infamous Star Trek fight with this fight from the Clash of the Titans remake. OK, the Star Trek one sucked, but at least there was fighting rather than Louis Terrier or whatever his name is throwing the camera around while everyone shouts for a bit. This isn’t a fight scene; this is filming a mosh pit in a desert. Please, let us see the fighting and not the heroic lead’s lower left armpit.

Anyway, most of the films of the sword-and-scandal time weren’t as good as Maciste contro i cacciatori di teste, and the setting is also really interesting, too, being set in a lush forest area rather than the usual desert wilderness associated with the genre. An interesting watch, and certainly better than Clash of the Titans 2010. Though, mind you, watching a man teabag a blender would be better than Clash of the Titans 2010.

Number 4 – Antiques Roadshow

Antiques Roadshow is repeatedly the butt of jokes, and it’s not hard to see why.

“Oh boy, I can’t wait to watch Antiques Roadshow. A whole 50 minutes of people bringing vintage clocks, plates and mugs to other people to be told about those vintage clocks and the history of Hastro-glazing pots between 1203 and 2017 (note, this doesn’t exist) and how much its worth. YAAAY!”

Well, whoops-ee-daisy. I actually think that it gets a raw deal, and not only that, but I actually find it genuinely interesting. Call me boring, fusty and old, but I never really seen anything inherently bad about it, and yet it’s constantly labelled as such because of… well, most of its audience is old. In actual fact, it’s a very well made show. The editing is simplistic but sharp, giving you a new camera angle every time you start to drift off to keep your eyes on the screen, so STOP LOOKING AWAY, OVER HERE, THIS WAY, THE SHOW’S OVER HERE, DULLARD, CLICK CLICK!!! If you’re interested in antiques, it’s a reservoir of knowledge to behold, telling you all sorts of nifty little facts. If you aren’t, however, it’s interesting to experience something you’ve never known before.

“Clock’s can cost up to five thousand pounds? Really? Well, this will distract me for long enough to stave off the inevitable plummet into insignificance and depression that comes with day time television”

It’s also great background telly. If you’re waiting for something to happen, such as for a person or letter to arrive or a murderer to be caught in one of your garden traps, you can simply sit down with a nice cup of tea with Antiques Roadshow. Not as good as Come Dine With Me, but better than most prime-time telly, which I can guarantee.

Number 3 – Pokemon 3: The Movie

The Pokemon movie franchise is possibly the strangest in movie history. No matter how bad the reviews are, it still seems to come back for more, and weirder still, these aren’t just all straight-to-DVD knock offs we’re talking about like Uwe Boll’s Bloodrayne 2. The first five all got theatrical releases in the West, and even more in Japan. Why? The first was hammered by critics, even despite its financial success oh wait… Oh, wait, the second one made pittance, and was lambasted by critics who despised both films. So why’d they keep on releasing the damn films in cinemas? There’s been nine theatre released Pokemon movies and twelve altogether, with a thirteenth already out in Japan. WHY? WHY? WHY?!

As I may have said in my Top Four Reasons Why Nintendo Suck, I love Pokemon, or at least the games, and the TV series. The films can go drink liquidised hatred… except for Pokemon 3, which is by far the best of the bunch. The story is simplistic, but actually fairly intriguing, confronting the harsh issue with the loss of a child’s parents and just how far they’ll go to get them back. OK, I’m making it sound a lot like the reverse of Pet Sematary but it sort of crosses the same themes. A little girl loses her father to a mysterious species of Pokemon, only to be given the legendary Pokemon Entei, an all-powerful Pokemon that obeys her every order. Giving the recently bereaved child unmatched power wasn’t the best of moves it seems, as she kidnaps and brainwashes Ash’s mother, erects herself as the most powerful Pokemon trainer ever and near kills Ash and his buddies for getting in her path. Its one hell of a grip and at many points really is quite bleak and oppressive, making it seem as if the heroes won’t prevail. The climax is nail-bitingly tense and even scares kids, so a bonus then. Whenever people mention video game movies and say there’s no such thing as a good one (more on that one later), I always mention Pokemon 3, and I think you should too.

Number 2 – Metroid Prime Pinball

Wait, stop laughing. I know what you’re thinking. Metroid? Pinball? Surely you jest! Oh, it gets better. It’s not just pinball with graphics from Metroid. The ball is genuinely Samus Aran in her morph ball form and, get this; there are boss battles…


... and a plot.

Now you can guffaw.

“Are you serious?” Said I and many other Metroid fans. “A Metroid pinball game? With a story? What are you smoking? Cake? Is a second for us a month for you?”

Brass Eye references aside, I was understandably cynical about the game, until I played it, at any rate. It’s actually great fun. In fact, when I sit down to think about it, I can’t think of a better pinball game that isn’t on a computer or an actual pinball machine. Not much to say about it because… it’s pinball. This is just a particularly good pinball game. A lot of variety to its multiple tables, and there are many little minigames… not very good minigames, but great time passers. Like the game itself really. It’s not Super Metroid, but it’s not supposed to be. It’s just a nice time sink, like a pinball game should be.

Number 1 - Super Mario Bros. Movie

Yeah. Weren’t expecting this, were you?

The world fell out of love with the Super Mario Bros. around about five minutes after its cinematic release. Kids swarmed in their thousands to go see it only to swarm in their thousands in the toilets puking. And it is shown on television once every so often to remind kids who didn't see it first time around what it feels like to vomit out of disgust and shame…

… except me.

This film just didn’t hurt me at all. And this isn’t because I don’t like Mario. I do. I grew up with Mario. And, in all honesty, I can’t really see what the problem is with this film. It changes too much from the original game? Yeah, because the games had so much to go on. I know Super Mario World had just been released, but so fucking what? How do you make an entire movie out of Super Mario Bros? It’s essentially un-filmable in live action, and as if any big name animators would want to take on this project.

So, they changed it. They experimented. I actually think that this is one of the better dystopian futures in cinema. The soundtrack and designs were really good, and the effects, both practical and CGI, where good for the time. The acting was also very good, except for Dennis Hopper, with Bob Hoskins doing his usual great job. OK, so the writing was gobbledygook, but it was funny gobbledygook. It feels a lot like Dune for me, so bad it’s really good… oh fine, not good, but I think it’s a really underrated film. It’s original, which is more than can be said for most other films in the nineties. In fact, I’d rate it as one of the best video games movies ever made.

That’s right.

Well, can you think of a better video game movie? DOA… no. Resident Evil… no. Final Fantasy 7: Advent Children… definitely not. Street Fighter The Movie…

… Street Fighter The Movie…

… oh no…

… oh god no…

Next Week: Street Fighter: The Movie

ROB STOAKES REVIEWS - Digimon Adventure 02

Sponge Culture Reviews
Rob Stoakes Reviews

Digimon Adventure 02
2000
Hiroyuki Kakudou
Toei Animation

Prologue

Change is a buzz word in politics that doesn’t really exist the way it claims to. It’s almost like a bizarre sub-reality. When an MP says “Our party puts forward change” the change is a change in name and face alone. David Cameron is Gordon Brown is Tony Blair is John Major. Sadly, the much is the same in media. Last Thursday, you may recall me talking about how shameless Nintendo are with their endless remaking of Super Mario 64, but they’re actually consistently innovative compared to television.

Take the beloved Power Rangers. I won’t lie and say I didn’t like Power Rangers, but it’s the same goddamn thing. Watch a Power Rangers episode today, a recent one, and I’ll bet you the only difference is Bulk and Skull. Also, if you’ve seen one Heroes episode, you’ve seen them all. Thank god, then, for Digimon Adventure 02, a TV show so inconsistent, so absolutely schizophrenic, it’s almost like one giant inconsistency. Just watching it feels a bit like a mental illness. It’s maddening, sickeningly long and full of horrid colours, such as purple hair and brown grass.

Before that, though, I’ll quickly tell you where I stand about the original Digimon series. The original series was a resoundingly horrible affair, which is a shame, because trust me; the first half of the series was FUCKING AWESOME! With a capital FUCKING AWESOME! And then it very quickly went downhill, which is odd for most long-running series. Most improve over time as the actors and the writers pin down what the overall feel of the show is, but Digimon was just weird. It started out awesome, then ten episodes later they killed the main villain of the show off.

“Shit!” The writers didn’t say but I’m pretending they did. “What now? The main threat’s dead!” So they made some really bizarre villains for the remainder of the series, including a snake, a house cat, Kefka from Final Fantasy 6, a giant Rubik’s Cube, Pinocchio, an evil tree and, and I defy you to find a more bizarre villain in the whole of fiction, robot Elvis Presley in a monkey costume.

Robot Elvis Presley in a monkey costume. I’d love to have been in the board of directors when they came up with this; it’s loopier than a loop made of lupins.

However, at least it was imaginative and even though I really didn’t like it, I watched for a long time after it stopped being good to see what boundary of madness they’d cross next. I was open to the possibility of chocolate whales with cannons for eyes. That and Joey was frigging ace. He was the best thing in the damn show. He’s barely in this show. It’s therefore rubbish.

Plot

If there’s one thing the original Digimon wasn’t brilliant at, it’s plot. It was essentially Alice in Wonderland with several Alices (Alici? Alicis? What’s the plural?) and monsters instead of whimsy. This new one is proud to be completely different, seeing as all the new characters adjust to the conditions of the Digital World fairly quickly. The basic plot is that there’s this digital world that kids end up being dragged to to fight evil with their Digimon, little monsters they own to fight for them and definitely aren’t Pokemon by any stretch of the imagination.

However, this series assumes you saw the original, and therefore understand all the facts about the Digimon World and the kids who are called the DigiDestined (don’t laugh yet) and the fact the Digimon can Digivolve (not like in Pokemon, they Evolve, which isn’t Digivolving at all) and all the other Techno babble that goes with it, so basically every other line will sound like this to newbies; “Let’s go get the Maguffin from the Sciencelogistical Hydrosplastic Bibble Babble blurrrrr.”

The real plot is that there’s this mega nerd trying to take over the Digital World with giant black phallic symbols and these kids are trying to stop him. Personally, I think punching the great nerd won’t be too hard. Then later he stops being evil but still a bellend and they basically have to fight evil Digimon after evil Digimon until they stop fighting evil Digimon. Oh, Digimon, it’s as if you’ve never left us.

Hi, I’m Davis, and I’m here to sell you the latest craze, the delicious yet deadly Knife Melon! Use it to make fruit smoothies, cut down a tree, shave, make Knife Melon crumble, cut up some bitches, all with the new Knife Melon!

However, that’s not really telling you how bafflingly inconsistent the damn show is. The original had a rather simple, unoriginal but effective structure, with one episode focusing on a particular character and two general episodes, one at the beginning and one at the end, to introduce each character without cluttering the exposition. They did this a second time to show how the characters had changed and grew up. This helped cement the characters and their complex emotions and lasted a good chunk of the series. In this series, it’s all done in the first three episodes.

The rest of the series consists of the character leaping from real world to digital world like a kangaroo on amphetamines to the most inconsistent geography ever. I know variety is the spice of life and in the original series I got tired of the same damn trees, but this show just seems weird. Explain to me how we can go from windswept tundra to a lush rainforest to the city in Bladerunner to a volcano. I don’t know if this is bad editing, bad writing, bad designing or what, but it’s mental.

Later on, in the last half, it becomes especially mad. This villain from the first series comes back in the last five episodes! This means that a butt-ton of exposition has to be rammed into the show to justify all the insane madness that’s come before, especially getting rid of all the previously established villains. Its crazy rushed and the way they beat him is plain old odd. There are these kids with seeds in them that can kill him by feeling good or some shit like that. It’s sort of like the latter parts of the previous series, where they’d run around desperately tying up loose ends.

Acting/Characters

The acting is…

… is…

… it’s a kids anime.

If you’ve ever seen one, you’ll know what I mean. Everybody speaks with no gaps between sentences, so dialogue is like “It’s odd I couldn’t move the egg with the crest of courage on it but somehow Davies did I think it’s a good idea to go to the Digimon World and wreck havoc in somewhereville” and this happens not just in their own sentences, but with the other characters so the whole conversation can go by in a blur.

“Well Tai yes Davies where are we I don’t know but I think we’re quite close to our destination oh goodie lets discuss goggles ok then wait who’s Tai I don’t know oh bummer we’ve entered a joint existential crisis oh no a spiralling vortex that has been summoned noooooooooo!”

And this isn’t a problem with the new actors for the new characters. The old actors have this issue, which is weird. I know it’s been… no, it hasn’t been long. The original series ended the same year and they hadn’t improved after 54 episodes of this? The only half decent actor is the DigiEmperor, the first major villain, and, well…

… yeah, he’s not exactly Darth Vader.

The other characters are pretty forgettable. However, before I get onto the main five characters, let me talk about the original characters from the first series. This series really didn’t know what to do with them for a long while. They sort of aren’t there but they really aren’t. Eventually, only Tai and Izzy from the original make a real difference, and they’re both just there to either be editors of the well known newspaper The Daily Exposition or the butt of “Tai’s a moron, Izzy’s a nerd” jokes, BECAUSE THEY WERE SO FUCKING THE TWENTY THOUSAND TIMES WE HEARD THEM IN THE LAST FUCKING SERIES!

So the main five characters are Davies, TK, Kari, somebody else and Mr Spock. Honest to god, the one with the glasses and her little brother have absolutely no characteristics what-so-ever. And, even though TK and Kari were in the last series, they weren’t exactly the most memorable of characters, and growing up clearly has done bugger all to them. And the villains, even the pre-requisite “tragic figure” ones are so bananas and maniacal they could grow moustaches and wear top hats and nothing will have changed. I think one even does go “MWUH HA HA HA HA!” at some point.

This is why Davies is easily the most memorable character of the main five DigiDestined as they call themselves with a completely straight face. Personally, it’d go to my head very quickly and I’d turn evil and try to conquer all existence. Davies doesn’t, sadly, but he’s still a character rather than a plot device. It is a shame that he’s a wise-cracking, misogynistic, stubborn, arrogant, moronic bellend who can’t go ten seconds without making a cringe-worthy attempt to get into Kari’s undergarments with all the subtly of a rock slide made of screaming floating heads. Something’s wrong when this prick is my favourite human character.

AW MAH GAAAAAAWWWWWWWDDDDDDD! MAAAHH JAAAWWWW’S BEN DESLAAAWWWCAAAAATEHD!!!

Then there’s the Poke-errrrrr I mean Digimon. There’s… errmm, the red one. Yeah, I don’t know. Finally there’s that yellow badger, who is always sleeping and that’s about it. Their Digivolved forms (cough cough not a Pokemon rip off cough cough) are pretty much the same, with some red egale unicorn whatever and a big yellow moron. The other Digimon is Veemon and his Digivolved form is Flamedramon. Now let me say something in this show’s favour. Veemon is a hard-arse muthafucka.

I’m dead serious. If you want a good example, look to Episode 4. Veemon gets the shit kicked about of him by a weird vegetable that’s obsessed with making horrible food puns. Maces are wailing and smacking him like a steak tenderiser… oh god, now I’m doing it. Anyway, he chucks them around like a ragdoll and he just takes it, then gets up and tries to punch it out. He’s always doing insanely badass stuff like this, and it’s awesome. He’s like the Red Ranger in Lightspeed Rescue; he’s just all over kickass. Let it be known all along the globe, Veemon is hardcore.

Cinematography and/or Animation

The animation is AAAARRRGGGHHH!!!

Dear lord, the animation is horrible. Let’s face it, the majority of it is moving a certain part of the animation from one side of the room to the other using the Motion Tweens in Adobe Flash. This makes Noggin the Nog look like Fantasia. They might as well do the entire thing with finger puppets.

And then there’s the art style. Look below. Just look. The heads are absurdly huge and the eyes are almost disgustingly awkward. I know its anime and it almost all looks like that, but this is just hideous. And the colours… urgh, the colours. Purple rocks, a pink sky. I think this is what being colour blind is like.

Come play with us. Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever.

I’m not kidding, Kari has that weird glazed look in her eyes that says that she’s either just died or is staring into the void of reality only to find out that there is no further truth beyond that which they know and that countless wars are simply irrelevant and that her whole life and existence is a mere whim of fate.

And TJ looks as if he’s swapped consciousnesses with Harry from David Lynch’s Eraserhead. I think the Lady in the Radiator is singing in his head. And on a side note, what’s with the bucket?

Other Notes

Almost all the dialogue in this show that isn’t during a fight scene or exposition is jokes. Well, joke is a bad word for it, seeing as the jokes are in a bizarre alternative state. When they try to be funny, it’s hideous, and yet when they make a small wry statement, it’s bloody hilarious. I actually think that the Western writers of this show knew what they were doing was dribble, so they just had fun with it. There are some great moments were they’ll take the jokes from the original Japanese and then immediately annihilate them with an almost fourth wall breaking statement.

Take this situation. Gatomon, a little cat-like thing, makes an incredibly unfunny joke about why they call the aerials on top of television rabbit ears (named so because of their shape) rather than cat ears (because she’s a cat HONK HONK). I’m guessing that in the original, Kari says some god awful punch line, why in the Western version, she just says “Is this seriously what you think about?” That cheered me up immensely. Then there’s the stuff about the characters joking about the Japanese animators. During an explosion, Davies rather hilariously shouts “WHY HAVEN’T I PUT MY GOGGLES ON?!” If you want a laugh from this show outside of ripping on it, look for the smaller, background jokes like that. Or just wait for the scene where Matt punches Tai for no reason. It’s amazing to watch.

Final Word

So, boys and girls, newsflash, this show’s utter rubbish! The animation’s shoddy, the plot’s absurd and the characters are either complete pricks or completely forgettable and the latter half goes absolutely snooker loopy and is absolutely appalling.

You know. Like the first series. However, I haven’t even got to the weirdest bit, which is this; I had an absolute whale of a time watching the first few episodes

I’m dead serious. This show is great fun for the first part of the series. Stop early, though, because it quickly becomes a chore. However, like the first series, the first arc is great. There are five redeeming features:

1) The fun factor. This is back when the apocalypse isn’t happening (yeah, it happens). The writers are having a whale of a time with a simple premise, and the premise is actually pretty good. Big spires controlling monsters for evil nerd, so heroes destroy spires. They could’ve, and should’ve, made the entire series out of that. And the wry jokes are actually pretty clever, at least for a kid’s show.

2) This show is GREAT for ripping. If you are going to watch the entire series rather than take my advice, watch it with friends. You could make so many jokes it’s insane. The Mystery Science Theatre 3000 would’ve loved this show. It’s just insanity piled on without end, and it’s great to sit and joke your way through.

3) The picture below. Prepare yourself for absolute madness.

I wish I could make this shit up.

4) For all the show’s faults, it’s never something you’ve seen before. It’s so weird and stupid, but it’s also brilliantly original. Some might say too original, what with having enough ideas for several series crammed into just one, but it’s glorious to see a kids show truly stand out like this. Even at the worst and most boring of times, the show is just wacky and fantastically mad, and it’s one hell of a hook. Even when you actively hate the show, you still watch it for some odd reason. It’s bloody addictive, that’s what it is..

5) Davis and Veemon. I’m not kidding when I say that these characters in my opinion could’ve carried the entire series by themselves. They were great fun to watch. They’re the show-stealers. They are hugely entertaining and surprisingly, their ideas and personalities are the more exciting. Sure, sneaking about, being clever, making friends and the heart of the cards is fine and dandy, but Davis and Veemon just ran around tearing shit up, and really that’s what I wanted to see. I take back all the nasty things I have to say about Davis, because in the end, he’s one hell of a show to watch, as is Veemon.

VEEMON FOR PRESIDENT!!!

TOP FOUR: Reasons Nintendo Suck

Rob Stoakes Reviews

TOP FOUR REASONS WHY NINTENDO SUCK

Prologue

Nintendo. Just the name invokes a kind of rapid joy in the hearts of many nostalgic gamers. With among the largest libraries of games, including some of the greatest games ever made, under their belt they have become as much a household name as their oh-so wonderful characters, mascots and games.

Yeah, I hate them, too.

Oh, don’t get me wrong. I LOVED Nintendo. Their games are classic treasures in what little is left of my cold, dead, hateful heart. Though understand I said loved with a ‘D’. Yes, in recent years, Nintendo has taken their once sugary, sweet lovely name and covered it in vomit and piss. And we’re here to see just why. Here are the four reasons why Nintendo has killed my enthusiasm. If you’re reading, Miyamoto, HANG YOUR HEAD IN SHAME!!!

Number 4 – Where’s the Pokemon MMO?

There are plenty who says Pokemon is an annoyingly cutesy series that only girls, kids and pussies play. I disagree. I think that Pokemon is one of the few consistently great series left in fiction full stop, with a frankly astounding debut title that still holds up as the gold standard I judge games by and, in my opinion, is the only game ever made without a single flaw. This is accompanied with a classic TV series that holds special place in my cold, un-beating, dead stone of a heart. OK, the films and Pokemon Diamond/Pearl sucked more than the vacuum cleaner made of collapsed stars, but the franchise is solid… but no one’s willing to make the game we really want.

It will never get old.

I know I’m probably cheating with this one. After all, it’s Game Freak that makes the games, but surely someone at Nintendo would’ve said to them “Say, I have an idea.” I suspect that they actually have thought of it, but didn’t make it. After all, Japanese parents would never feed their children again, nobody would go to work, the entire infrastructure of the country would collapse, all because the collective population are too busy trying to catch Raikou to do anything. And Nintendo aren’t the best choice for an online game, what with the whole “Hi, my name is 03860386579679384639, let’s play online” Friend Code thing, but surely a PC game would work. Come on, Nintendo. Game Freak. Make it. Now.

Number 3 – The repeated butt-fucking of Donkey Kong and Metroid

You better believe that I fucking love Donkey Kong and Metroid. The Donkey Kong Country trilogy isn’t one of the best platforming trilogies out there. It IS the best platforming trilogy out there. Sonic 2 and 3 are great, but the original Sonic game sucked balls. I don’t think that the original Super Mario Bros is a good game, and it certainly hasn’t aged well at all, and while I’m on the subject, Super Mario Bros 2 is WAY better than 3. SUCK. IT!

And now? Oh, whoop di doo. I can’t wait to play Donkey Konga 11, with its two-button-controller and bongo renditions of Wild Thing. What a great party game. As soon as you mention it, everyone leaves. Perfect for when the party’s been going on for too long.

As for Metroid, we get one of the NES’s best and most beloved and then Nintendo sits down with their fingers in their ears and their tongues tightly wrapped around The Legend of Zelda. I know Metroid wasn’t that big in Japan, but you could’ve noticed that somebody in the outside world liked your games. And then instead of giving us a good Metroid game after five FUCKING years, you shit in a GameBoy Cartridge and give us Metroid 2, a game that looked like a ZX Spectrum somebody wiped their arse with, which considering the quality I wouldn’t be blown away.

And then Super Metroid came out, and it widely considered the best game on the Super Nintendo and even one of the great games ever made. Even though it once again bombed in Japan, it sold in the US and the PAL regions like chocolate cakes coated with jelly babies, Smarties and opium, and words such as ‘best game on the Super Nintendo’ carry weight. Then we waited for, get this; 2002, which is eight years later.

EIGHT YEARS LATER!!!

OK, two Metroid games in one year is tooty-fruity, but one was a third party game. Apparently, this is actually a good thing with Metroid Prime becoming one of the best games ever made. I don’t know, I didn’t play it, but shut up, I’m sexy. Then there’s the new game, Other M. Loads of people are shouting and bawling over how this will be the greatest thing since sliced bread, the wheel and sex combined, but I’m not so sure. A) it’s on the Wii, more on that later. B) Do you know who Nintendo got to make it? Team Ninja. Now what else did they make…

Nice going, Nintendo. Good on you for putting them in charge of one of the strongest female protagonists in gaming and sci-fi.

Number 2 – Super Mario Brothers 3 World 64 Sunshine Galaxy Brothers Wii

It’s an odd trend. Films don’t have franchises, but all other media does. Look at the Famous Five. 21 books! 21! And how about television. Star Trek, including the spinoffs The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager and Enterprise, has shown 727 episodes in 30 series. Gaming has big franchises too, and Nintendo is the most shameless.

There are over a hundred Mario games. Mario! The guy’s a fat plumber who dicks about in a land inhabited by mushroom men trying to save a princess from a dragon. How did Nintendo get a hundred games out of that? Answer is, they didn’t. When you break it right down, there are really only about five types of Mario game. The 2D Platformer, the 3D Platformer, Mario Kart, the RPG and Mario Party. Oh, good games. I love Mario games, but why Mario? Why not a completely new character, like a shrimp in a moustache, or a beret wearing oven.

And then there are the revisits. Oh, the revisits. This is why official Mario games don’t have level editors, it’s so Miyamoto can squeeze a few shameless coins out of our hands. New Super Mario Bros Wii is a retro gamer’s dream, but I don’t get retro gaming. I get retro games, sure, but for some reason retro gamers confuse me.

“Oh, the industry isn’t anything like the good old days on the ZX Spectrum!”

Then why not just play on the ZX Spectrum? You can like old games; the new Pokemon game won’t render all the others meaningless. Your progress won’t be wiped, nor you’re your Sega Mega Drive explode. It’s still there. Mario games are just made because no one can think of anything else. It’s just pulling money out of old fools who think that Mega Man 49 will be better than it would’ve been if it weren’t 8-bit. Besides, Super Mario Flash already has a level editor. There are plenty of online Mario games that do, so Nintendo can’t really make a new 2D Mario game without it being inferior to what the player has made themselves. Just stick to 3D, mate.

In my games, there are three difficulty settings. Hard, Expert and Bear Grylls.

Though, on a side tangent, I will defend Mario by saying this. At least he dabbles in other genres, Link. Come on, Zelda, can you do nothing else but get kidnapped by the same pig man only to be saved by the same tranny for the 20th time. Pokemon is shameless with its ‘change the name and re-sell it’ policy, but at least there’s a safari sim! This is stuff I expect from EA, not Nintendo! A smaller company would be forgiven for reusing ideas, but Nintendo’s the biggest in the world. They can afford a big bomb, and now you’ve taken Mario into space again, where now? I hate to say that this is killing the industry like all the fourteen year old homophobic racists on Xbox Live who consider Turok the GRATEST GAME EVAR, but frankly they’re on to something. Progress happens for a reason, yet neither your fans nor you seem to want to notice. You’ll run out of places to take Mario sooner than later Nintendo, so you will NEED to make new games. So why not now?

Number 1 – The fucking Wii

Yep. You saw this one coming.

The Nintendo Wii has become one of the most popular gaming consoles of all time, and what a shame it is. I knew Sturgeon’s Law of 90% of everyone in the world being wrong, but sweet dibby is the Wii a blight on the landscape. This isn’t because it’s bringing grandma and baby into gaming. I’d rather play Halo alone, in the dark as I crouch on the bed slowly dying emotionally, but if it’s a must then fine, I’ve got two remotes for the PS2 for a reason. Sesame Street taught us that the best things in life are shared, so I’ll roll with it. No, it’s the hardware, the emphasis on party games, the complete lack of third party quality control and worst of all, the fucking aggravating “WAGGLE THE WII TO SLAP THE SEAL” bullshit.

OK, let’s start with the hardware. 88MB of memory. There, I’ve explained just how behind Nintendo are. The Xbox 360 has 528 and that came out earlier. This wouldn’t be a problem, IF IT WEREN’T FOR THE LACK OF EXTERNAL MEMORY!!! No memory cards? No hard drives? Nothing? There’s no excuse for it, Nintendo! You’ve made worse hardware than Microsoft.

WORSE HARDWARE THAN MICROSOFT!!! ARGH!

Then there are the games. I’m not going to go into the third party developers, but let’s face it, Nintendo have officially stopped caring. Name a good third party developed exclusive on the Wii, please. Sorry, I can’t hear you. Remember Anubis 2? Damn right you did, so I’m right and you’re wrong. But the Wii Waggling. It’s murder. I know what Nintendo and third-party-developers are thinking. When I buy a toaster, I make toaster. When I’m offered motion control, my first instinct is to use it. But WHY? WHY? There’s no need in a fucking Platformer! It’s just going to irritate people. Oh, and first person shooters? I see why you thought it’d be a good idea, but what happened with ‘The Conduit’? Red Steel? What happened? Please name me a game where the motion control wasn’t a hindrance? Super Smash Brothers Brawl, Super Mario Galaxy, Zack and Wiki, all good games, all ruined by the Wii.

And here’s the killer. The real murderer. Party games. Most are functional games. Note the word functional, but whatever. Here’s the problem with Wii party games. They are competing with Guitar Hero and Dance Dance Revolution. Now, Mario Party 8 may be good, but what would you rather do at a party? Throw your arms around like a massive gonk or rock out on stage with Carlos Santana?

The Wii is officially a pointless console. Let it rot.

Sean Stoakes reviews:

In this review I’m looking at the John Carpenter’s 1982 remake of The Thing. This film can be summed up by this popular saying: “The shit hits the fan”. END OF REVIEW.
Ok I will review this a bit more properly. The film stars Kurt Russell as MacReady, who is stationed in the Antarctic with a bunch of scientist blokes who almost all have beards. The film starts with some Norwegian going ape shit and trying to shoot a dog and wounds one of Kurt Russell’s bearded science friends called Bennings. Then the Norwegian bloke is shot, but he’s not wounded…he’s DEAD.
Kurt Russell then goes investigates the Norwegian base and finds everybody dead. The Norwegians have stumbled across a crashed UFO and the team come across a twisted grotesque monster with element of human anatomy.
They decide to leave the stray dog that the Viking man tried to shoot with the dog with their pack dogs. They all growl and back away from the stray, no they aren’t racist, they know something bad is going to go down. And these dogs are right the new dog inverts itself, split open and tentacles shoot out its back. That’s right, you heard me, go on read that sentence again. This new alien dog kills some of the other dogs. The team come and see and decide “AHH ALIEN THING AHH AHH BURN IT DEAD” and torch it.
Blair is wisely badger of a man who is also the principle scientist on the team. He does an autopsy on the hideous dog monster and deduces that the alien life form attacks body cells and dissolves them, and then the alien copies the animal/person it’s just attacked, taking on their appearance. This means anyone could be an alien.
Then the film really becomes tense, all the characters start fighting because they are scared of who will be the next…..it turns out it’s Bennings. But MacReady burns the shit out of Bennings before the alien completely takes over him. They realise the alien is spreading and every one of them is at risk.
Wisely badger of a scientist Blair is sat at his computer watching how the alien cells attack and imitate the cells of its victim. The computer programme shows that the odds of other members of the team being an alien are 75%. He then types in what would happen if the alien got into contact with civilisation. The answer the world would be infected after a day.
One question, who the fuck designed this software?! In 1982 when computer technology was in its infancy who designed a programme telling the likelihood of the world’s demise due to an alien that destroys then imitates there cells. I bet it was you Blair you weird old bugger.
Anyway Blair goes nuts, scuttling around in his parka killing the rest of the dogs and destroying the helicopters. He probably would have done this even if they weren’t being attacked by an alien. He gets a pistol taking pot shots at the walls burbling angrily like some drunk. The team then lock him up in a shed because they think he is a senile old bastard. Even though locking a man in a shed in the Antarctic, I’m surprised he doesn’t freeze to death.
Now the film becomes a series of grouser and grouser ways the alien tries to take on people. Slowly more and more people are infected by the alien and die. They keep on burning aliens with scant disregard for the fuel they are using.
I’d like to review the rest of this film but it’s really something to watch and not just read about. The effects in this film are mind blowing and jaw dropping. I don’t understand why people say CGI is mind blowing, because it seems like nothing compared to how awesome the effects make you gasp in this film. I really can’t some up how fucking awesome they are, just go watch this film. Also this film is really claustrophobic, they are trapped in the Antarctic and cornered off in there base. This only helps build the tension. You really don’t know who will be an alien next; you are with the characters guessing who it will be. The characters in this film are good and many say some really funny one-liners but they are nothing terrific, most of them just cannon fodder for the alien. But as they get nervous, angry and paranoid, attacking each other, then the acting really excels.
I haven’t seen the original but it can’t get much better than this, especially for effects. Most people agree that this is one case were the remake is better than the original. There are some references to the original; the title card is the same and Norwegian ‘footage’ is clips from the old film.
This is an amazing horror film and one that really stands out. I very much recommend it. It has a fast pace, paranoid characters, amazing effects this film really stands out. It is jaw dropping, but can still be summed up by the saying “shit hits the fan” END OF REVIEW

Sean Stoakes Reviews:

The film I’ve decided to review is the 1973 film Wickerman directed by Robin Hardy and starring Edward Woodward and Christopher Lee. For those of you who don’t know the story Edward Woodward stars as the very religious Sergeant Howie who comes to the small island of Summerisle off the Scottish mainland to investigate the disappearance of a young girl called Rowan. Summerisle is peaceful with ‘friendly’ locals and has little to no contact with the mainland. He then goes around the island being shocked by the Pagan like traditions they practise. He then basically goes on to tell them what they believe is stupid bullshit and his views are right.

From the start of the film there is a very creepy vibe going on, and the locals of Summerisle do nothing but heighten this vibe, if I was Sergeant Howie I would have just kept my mouth shut, smiled politely and try not to be overwhelmed by fear of these locals. If they’re not leering at Sgt Howie from behind jars in a local shop, then these inbred dullards are mightily roaring songs down the pub. They are a lovely bunch down this pub with about 6 teeth to share between 8 people, as they guffaw some song ripe with sexual undertones.
Another main character is Lord Summerisle (Christopher Lee) who seems pleasant enough but as its Christopher Lee we know he’s really the biggest badass on the island.
This film is constantly creepy and weird, in a good way, as an audience you only know as much as Sgt Howie and slowly but surely information bleeds through. As I watch the film I keep on asking why in god’s name Howie doesn’t just leave, there is clearly something wrong about this island. This is a problem with people who live in the country; there isn’t enough franchised coffee, neon signs or noise. There is too much tranquillity and it fucks with people’s minds, turning them in to gormless dribbling yokels. The suspense and tension just keeps building in this film, you end up almost begging Howie to leave and get away from this bunch of insane hicks. There is a strong sense of dread and a feeling shit’s going to hit the fan constantly in this film that never lets up.

I strongly recommend people see this film, with every watch you notice more weird stuff going on. It is by every definition a cult classic. The last 15 minutes of this film is some of the most suspenseful I’ve ever seen, you know something is going to go wrong and it transfixes you to the screen. As the credits role at the end of this film your mind will be blown. There are great performances by Lee and Woodward and it is superbly directed. If this film has one problem it’s that it’s really just a big build up to the last 20 minutes or so, so it can seem like it drags on. But honestly there’s so much weird shit going on you’ll hardly notice.

Right, now I shall briefly say my words on the remake. Released in 2006 and starring good ol’ Nicholas Cage as Edward Malus (the Sgt Howie character) it takes place somewhere in America. I don’t know why they had to set it in America, maybe because if they set it near Scotland some of the more idiotic yanks may think it’s a documentary. Actually I don’t really know why they had to remake it in the first place, the original is perfectly fine. It’s just another example of the film industry not being adventurous and decided to remake something just to gain some more money. This is why I endorse people by pirate DVD’s, don’t give good money to an industry that think’s your happy with some re-hashed film that’s often worse than the original.
This film is god awful; the acting is hammy and terrible. All the creepy suspenseful vibe that was found in the original is lost. We know have Nicholas Cage running around and bleating “Rowan!” he sounds like he’s been dentist and anaesthetic hasn’t worn off. I don’t even know why he runs, he’s only a small island he might as well just walk. This film is dedicated to punk legend Johnny Ramone, I for one want to apologise to you Johnny sorry that this piece of shit has your name stapled to it. No one would mind if you rise from the grave and murder Nicholas Cage, Neil LaBute (writer and director) and anyone else involved with this film with cold blooded malicious intent.
The best thing about this film is when Nicholas Cage is attacked by bees, and its not a horror moment it’s just funny. The thing I remember about this film is Nicholas Cage screaming “OH GOD MY EYE’s”, I empathise with Nicholas at this point because that’s what I felt like after watching this film. Here, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d4MqTCIDKhU&feature=related that’s a youtube clip with the best bit of the film, watch that instead. I just saved you two hours of your life.

Review - The Little Mermaid: Return to the Sea

Rob Stoakes Reviews:

The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea
2000
Jim Kammerud and Brian Smith
Walt Disney Studios

Prologue

I try not to decide whether or not a film or book or game or zoetrope is going to be bad without experiencing it first, but there are just somethings that you just simply know are going to be terrible. I doubt anyone was surprised at how bad Manos; The Hands of Fate was, and who expected anything from Mortal Kombat Annihilation. I wish there was a name for them, but the only thing I can think of is an anagram, and TYAKWBB (Things You Already Know Will Be Bad) doesn’t have a good ring to it. But among all of these movies are ‘Disney sequels’.

For those of you fortunate enough to not know of the bad luck of Disney sequels, during the late eighties and early nineties, Disney started hammering out some of the most popular films in animation history and indeed cinema history, a period known as the Disney Renaissance. The Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, Lion King, those films. If you haven’t seen or at least heard of any of the movies I’ve just mentioned, hello to you, Queen Victoria, for you are the only one. Then, in 1994, somebody had a very VERY bad idea, which was to go to the head of Disney “Well gee, let’s make a sequel to Aladdin, because that was a popular film so this one must be too!” before gnawing at his own shoes.

Actually, the reasoning wasn’t all that bad. After all, the first animated Disney sequel, the 1990 feature The Rescuers Down Under, was an underappreciated block of solid gold, so a second Aladdin must follow the same trend, right?

Yeah, the result, Return of Jafar, was so bad that it’s now almost a joke in of itself, and not even Homer Simpson could save it. Thankfully, it didn’t get a cinematic release; otherwise Disney would’ve lost all credibility it ever had and the film would be a bigger killer than the Spanish Flu. However, what it did do was sell, and it sold fairly well. So Disney kept pushing with the damn idea. The continued results were sequels, and, to Disney’s credit, they made films that were sometimes really good, like Lion King 2; Simba’s Pride (1998). However, they were sometimes disastrous, like Pocahontas 2: Journey to a New World of the same year. Mostly, though, they were just bland. And this 2000 sequel of The Little Mermaid is certainly no different. Let’s find out why, shall we?

Plot

The opening song, if it can be called that rather than matching music to pathetic acting, establishes that Ariel, her baby Melody and Eric, who was in the last film the world’s blandest love interest and is now the world’s most insignificant character, are meeting up with Ariel’s father, Triton, and all the fish and mer-people from miles around for a very important occasion. Triton giving her a necklace. Wow, I’m already glued to the screen. Then Ursula’s crazy thinner sister Morgana comes to oh come on, seriously? You’re not even trying to make a new villain. Sure, Aladdin 3’s villain was horrible, but at least they were trying to make a new villain. Either bring Ursula back or make a new villain, don’t just throw a rip off up. She even has the near same voice.

World’s Prissiest Reaction from the blonde in the background. “Oh my word, a big shark. Someone stop him, ahhhh!”

So Thin-Ursula threatens Triton with the death of Melody at the hands… er, fins, of her pet shark and apparently night club bouncer Undertone, who sounds more like Sebastian than Sebastian does. However, this falls through, so Ursula McKeith runs away threatening revenge on Melody. To protect her, Ariel says that Melody must not know anything about the fact that a magic-using green-skinned woman is trying to kill her… sorry, I seem to be reviewing Sleeping Beauty by mistake.

Cut to Melody’s twelfth birthday, where she lives in Gormenghast as made by Play Mobil.

Nobody knows where Melody is in the contrived ‘I’m a rebellious free spirit whose not satisfied with being royalty and am going when I am not allowed’ scene that was too be in every children’s film by law. Sebastian is being grouchy because he has to look over Melody by Triton’s orders and is too old to do it, and must have a good memory seeing as that he’s quoting what Triton said twelve years ago. Also, every other sea creature is having pleasant chats with her and playing with her, including Sebastian. It must be reassuring for Ariel that her wish to keep Melody’s identity and whereabouts completely safe was completely ignored.

So Melody finds that weird necklace, meaning that Orders-Skinny-Lattes-Ursula knows where she is and the plot just… stops. For ten whole minutes, nothing of any significance happens. There’s pacing, there’s character development, there’s padding and then there’s just plain old nothing happening. Melody doesn’t open the necklace, so she doesn’t ask any questions to anyone. She mentions a dream she keeps having, but is interrupted, and so nothing really happens. Even Sebastian being discovered doesn’t really impact anything; it just causes Melody to step into a freakish dream where everybody’s red and the Can Can plays. This is the film being arty, you see.

Walt Disney presents A Clockwork Orange. Has a ring to it, doesn't it?

So Ariel finds the necklace and makes the biggest cock-up ever with trying to hide the fact that, well, she’s hiding facts. Eric walks in somehow knowing everything that happened within…

OF COURSE! IT MAKES TOTAL SENSE!!!

… and convinces her to tell Melody the truth… just as Melody leaves to discover the truth, somehow managing to decide what to do, steal the necklace from Ariel using the ancient magic of bad editing, get out of the palace and find a boat within 15 seconds. Fast worker.

So Undertone, now shrunk down by magic, tells Melody that Stick-Ursula can tell her what’s going on. Immediately, Melody believes the talking piranha that knows who she is somehow and doesn’t tell her who she is himself. She goes Superman’s Fortress of Solitude to… um; redo Poor Unfortunate Souls from the original. Melody takes the fact that she’s a mermaid rather well, to be honest. I’d, you know, react.

Ariel becomes a mermaid to so she can find her, making the entire first film null and void. If Triton could make her human before, why couldn’t he have done it rather than Ursula, but I digress. Speaking of Ursula, Ursu-anorexia tells Melody to get Triton’s trident. Melody agrees, without asking for specifics, as, well, Melody’s as thick as a brick and has all the personality.
An underage bikini wearer, the gay man’s Brad Pitt and a racist stereotype. Thank you, Disney.

Then we meet some penguins, who are being stupid. A particular one, Tip, with his seal friend, Dash, are abandoned for trying to help and failing. These are quickly established as the Timon and Pumba of this picture, and say they’ll help Melody in her quest to steal from the King of All The Sea. For cowards, these guys are ballsy. So the trio-of-trollops gets to Atlantica and meet a love interest who appears for that moment and that moment only. Long story short, they get the trident and leave, though the necklace is dropped and blah de blah bloody blah de daa we’ve all been here before.

Ariel follows two stingrays to find Melody. Why? I don’t know, but it really doesn’t matter. They all get to Castle Greyskull and Ariel tries to stop Melody from giving the crazy geriatric the most powerful weapon on the face of the earth. So, basically, Ariel tries to do what a good look around would do. And she fails!

SHE... FAILS!!!

I’m not sure who the bigger idiot is. Melody for trusting the villain or Ariel for seeming less honest. Your own mother or a crzy witch you've known for little over an hour. It’s a difficult choice, I know.

So, Ursula-Played-By-A-Matchstick sticks atop a pillar of ice and let’s rip. You know, LIKE IN THE FIRST MOVIE! Eric arrives to attempt a rescue that is so laughably useless I nearly dropped dead after seeing it, and he gets trapped in a fishbowl along with Flounder and Melody. To rub it in even more, they get broken out by the idiot brigade Tip and Dash.

So Salad-Eating-Ursula now attacks Melody with ice blocks that will give her easy access to her, solely to be a level in the video game that will never be made. Triton gets the trident again and freezes Ursula-Crushed-Between-Two-Bricks in a block of ice. And everyone is hunky-dory, besides the viewer who is vomiting due to all the cheese!

Acting/Characters

The acting is… well, what do I say? At least they got Jodi Benson, the original Ariel, back, who at least tries to put emotion into the film. Everybody else is a cheap imitation of their original counterparts, though I use the word ‘imitation’ lightly, as none of them besides Subway Diet Ursula sound like the original. Flounder is the worst case of this. He sounds more like Shia LaBeouf than anyone else, and suffers from sinus congestion.

Not even the acting on its own merit is any good. The whole film has what I like to call Passions Syndrome. Whenever anything important is said, there’s a dramatic pause or an echo, as if the audience are idiots.

New characters aren’t characters, but simply plot devices. Melody is so flatter than a board, and Tip and Dash aren’t even worth a merit as they do essentially nothing besides do what a map would do. The only thing that matters with them is that Dash is the fat retard and Tip is the short-arsed smart one who’s just as stupid. A sensible, unfunny Ren and Stimpy, really. Everyone else is just a bit part, coming in and coming out instantly. Why? Who knows, who cares, the directors certainly didn’t so why should I?

Animation

I’ll give credit where credit’s due. The animation in this film is good, and I mean really good. Furthermore there’s a reason. It’s exactly the same as the original animation. You can just tell that the only thing they did to make Melody was make Ariel shorter, used the Paint Bucket Tool on her hair and rubbed out Ariel’s breasts and replaced them with clothes. And do I need to retread the ‘Morgana is a thinner Ursula’ joke? It rips off more of Disney than Avatar rips off Dances with Wolves.

Gandalf the Ripped invites you to join the navy.

Final Word

Have you seen The Little Mermaid? Congratulations, you don’t need to watch this. It’s exactly the same film. Actually, it isn’t, because The Little Mermaid had dignity. This is a bad film. Though, it’s worse than that. It’s bland. Its samey, boring and longer than it should be which is half an hour considering how much happens. The writing is stock, the characters are cardboard cut-outs and it’s an all around bad movie. It’s presentable, sure, but it has no life. It has no soul of its own; it has to steal from everyone else. It’s not even terrible, because at least terrible films have a soul. All memorable movies have souls, good and bad. Disney movies have souls. Batman and Robin had a soul. This film doesn’t. This film is a dead film. I don’t need to tell you this, but I will anyway. Don’t watch it. Just don’t. You don’t need to. Nobody does.