Sponge Culture Reviews
Rob Stoakes Reviews
POKEMON EMERALD
2004
GAME FREAK
NINTENDO
Prologue
So I say I’m off for two weeks, end up skiving for four. Whoopsie daisy. Anyway, to compensate, a review for something halfway decent.
Some things are inevitable. Taxes. Death. Hatred of Piers Morgan. So my review of a Pokemon game wasn’t entirely unforeseen. I mean, come on, it had to happen at some point, seeing as I’ve been literally dribbling at the feet of the damn franchise since the first games came out, and have kept on saying bizarre phrases such as ‘gold standard in gaming’ and ‘one of the best multi-media franchises of all time’. It’s been an odd one, seeing as Pokemon Red/Blue isn’t my favourite game of all time, the Pokemon anime isn’t my favourite TV series of all time and other than Pokemon 3 and Pokemon Chronicles: The Legend of Raikou, the movies were shit. However, that isn’t the point.
The point is that the Pokemon games are among the best of all time… or at least, Pokemon Red and Blue are. Pokemon Gold and Silver are also of an incredible standard, and are actually probably better overall, at least from a technical standpoint. Oddly enough, the more advanced the system of games, the worse the games are. And what a good place to start… where it began to go wrong.
Plot
Pfffft! BAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!
Well, it does pretend to have a plot, at least in the same way a dog pretends to be a cat. Basically, it’s the same damn Pokemon game as the last. In a world where people use super-powered sports mascots to fight for money, you’re a dork who wants to be the greatest Pokemon trainer in the universe and also one of the richest. It’s essentially good-hearted mugging, but with a competitive element too. However, first you have to defeat eight gym leaders, particularly powerful Pokemon trainers, and then defeat the five best trainers in the world; the Elite Four and the Champion, all in one go. Along the way you face a criminal gang who wants to do some shit, oh for god’s sake I can’t do it. Why am I talking about the plot? It’s Pokemon! IT’S ALWAYS THE SAME GODDAM PLOT!
However, plot should never be confused with writing, and I feel that the Pokemon games have actually got some surprisingly good writing….
Rob Stoakes Reviews
POKEMON EMERALD
2004
GAME FREAK
NINTENDO
Prologue
So I say I’m off for two weeks, end up skiving for four. Whoopsie daisy. Anyway, to compensate, a review for something halfway decent.
Some things are inevitable. Taxes. Death. Hatred of Piers Morgan. So my review of a Pokemon game wasn’t entirely unforeseen. I mean, come on, it had to happen at some point, seeing as I’ve been literally dribbling at the feet of the damn franchise since the first games came out, and have kept on saying bizarre phrases such as ‘gold standard in gaming’ and ‘one of the best multi-media franchises of all time’. It’s been an odd one, seeing as Pokemon Red/Blue isn’t my favourite game of all time, the Pokemon anime isn’t my favourite TV series of all time and other than Pokemon 3 and Pokemon Chronicles: The Legend of Raikou, the movies were shit. However, that isn’t the point.
The point is that the Pokemon games are among the best of all time… or at least, Pokemon Red and Blue are. Pokemon Gold and Silver are also of an incredible standard, and are actually probably better overall, at least from a technical standpoint. Oddly enough, the more advanced the system of games, the worse the games are. And what a good place to start… where it began to go wrong.
Plot
Pfffft! BAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!
Well, it does pretend to have a plot, at least in the same way a dog pretends to be a cat. Basically, it’s the same damn Pokemon game as the last. In a world where people use super-powered sports mascots to fight for money, you’re a dork who wants to be the greatest Pokemon trainer in the universe and also one of the richest. It’s essentially good-hearted mugging, but with a competitive element too. However, first you have to defeat eight gym leaders, particularly powerful Pokemon trainers, and then defeat the five best trainers in the world; the Elite Four and the Champion, all in one go. Along the way you face a criminal gang who wants to do some shit, oh for god’s sake I can’t do it. Why am I talking about the plot? It’s Pokemon! IT’S ALWAYS THE SAME GODDAM PLOT!
However, plot should never be confused with writing, and I feel that the Pokemon games have actually got some surprisingly good writing….
… seeing as they’re able to actually make this world seem convincing. Also, the characters themselves, even the ones you only speak to for a second or two are remarkably expressive. Is it the same here? Well, yes, but there’s less people to talk to sadly. Sure, the ones you find are as funny, quirky or dickhead-ish as in the earlier games, but the whole world seems oddly vacant. You get to a town, meet about five people, then walk for hours to the next town and meet maybe two people along the way. Aww, great, just brilliant, don’t try to give this world a personality or feeling, just leave it derelict and dead. I like to pretend that there’s been a nuclear holocaust, and the Pokemon are just the affected populace mutated beyond recall. The only people left are the villains, Team Magma and Team Aqua, two rival criminal gangs who are fighting for… what, exactly?
Oh wait, they aren’t criminals, they’re saviours of the world, because when I think of saving the world, I think of terrorism, violent wars and widespread destruction. Frankly, though, they’re trying to save the world from nothing in particular. This situation might be understandable if the world was in some form of turmoil, therefore adding to my nuclear holocaust theory, but otherwise it’s just bizarre. You see, Team Aqua are trying to flood the world, saying that the land will destroy everything and Team Magma think that the world’s sea need to be dried out because otherwise we’ll run out of land. That’s a clever concept to make a gang war for kids, but WHO THE FUCK THOUGHT THESE IDEAS MADE A LICK OF SENSE? Seriously, why would you want to cause a worldwide drought, or even a worldwide flood? What would we drink? Where would we live? Who thought of this, dip-shits? Wait, some people choke on food? WE MUST PREVENT EVERYONE FROM EATING! Damn, we’re heroic!
Pokemon
There are 132 new Pokemon in this game, and some of the others from the old games. About, I don’t know, four of them? Oh, and whoop-di-fucking-doo, the only ones that feature prominently are Geodude and Zubat, because we haven’t seen enough of them yet. They’re only more common than blades of the fucking grass. The new ones aren’t exactly brilliant. The starter Pokemon, for example, are fairly bland. Oh, except for the water starter, Mudkip, or, rather, the only starter. If you pick any other Pokemon, you are officially an idiot. It’s a Water Ground type, so it won’t be affected by Electric attacks, Water’s biggest weakness, it learns the best moves, has the best stats, has the best design, has the best ability, it can learn Blizzard, therefore meaning that it is weak to nothing, it’s… just… better. Few other Pokemon are really worth the time and effort for finding them, seeing as you can beat the entire game with just Mudkip and tower over all who dare oppose you. You are king, you are invincible. Take everything. Take all you see for yourself!
The other Pokemon are a standard affair. They mostly all take great influence from the animal and plant kingdoms respectfully. However, looking at them, I kept getting the feeling that I had seen them some place before. Most of them look not just like Pokemon from the first two games, it’s dead on exact. Case in point; here’s Pikachu and here’s Plusle. Here’s Caterpie and here’s Wurmple. Is this Pidgey, or is it Swellow? Mr and Mrs Rhyhorn, congratulations, it’s a Lairon. The list goes on and on, almost like a before and after exhibition of idiocy.
Gameplay
Gameplay is… actually, sing along with me; you can have up to six Pokemon in your current party, with reserve Pokemon in your computer. Combat is turn-based, in which your Pokemon can use up to four moves, or use an Item to help it win. You catch Pokemon using big red balls (I’d make a joke, but I’m above that… no I’m not. Tee hee, big red balls) all of which have six stats, HP (how much damage it can take), Attack (how much damage a physical attack will meat out), Defence (how much the opponent’s physical attacks are resisted), Speed (if your Pokemon’s speed is higher than the other Pokemon’s Speed, yours will go first), Special Attack (how much Special Attacks do) and Special Defence (take a guess, Sherlock).
I AM NOT GETTING ANY FORM OF DÉJÀ VU, I AM NOT GETTING ANY FORM OF DÉJÀ VU, I AM NOT GETTING ANY FORM OF DÉJÀ VU!
Oh wait, they aren’t criminals, they’re saviours of the world, because when I think of saving the world, I think of terrorism, violent wars and widespread destruction. Frankly, though, they’re trying to save the world from nothing in particular. This situation might be understandable if the world was in some form of turmoil, therefore adding to my nuclear holocaust theory, but otherwise it’s just bizarre. You see, Team Aqua are trying to flood the world, saying that the land will destroy everything and Team Magma think that the world’s sea need to be dried out because otherwise we’ll run out of land. That’s a clever concept to make a gang war for kids, but WHO THE FUCK THOUGHT THESE IDEAS MADE A LICK OF SENSE? Seriously, why would you want to cause a worldwide drought, or even a worldwide flood? What would we drink? Where would we live? Who thought of this, dip-shits? Wait, some people choke on food? WE MUST PREVENT EVERYONE FROM EATING! Damn, we’re heroic!
Pokemon
There are 132 new Pokemon in this game, and some of the others from the old games. About, I don’t know, four of them? Oh, and whoop-di-fucking-doo, the only ones that feature prominently are Geodude and Zubat, because we haven’t seen enough of them yet. They’re only more common than blades of the fucking grass. The new ones aren’t exactly brilliant. The starter Pokemon, for example, are fairly bland. Oh, except for the water starter, Mudkip, or, rather, the only starter. If you pick any other Pokemon, you are officially an idiot. It’s a Water Ground type, so it won’t be affected by Electric attacks, Water’s biggest weakness, it learns the best moves, has the best stats, has the best design, has the best ability, it can learn Blizzard, therefore meaning that it is weak to nothing, it’s… just… better. Few other Pokemon are really worth the time and effort for finding them, seeing as you can beat the entire game with just Mudkip and tower over all who dare oppose you. You are king, you are invincible. Take everything. Take all you see for yourself!
The other Pokemon are a standard affair. They mostly all take great influence from the animal and plant kingdoms respectfully. However, looking at them, I kept getting the feeling that I had seen them some place before. Most of them look not just like Pokemon from the first two games, it’s dead on exact. Case in point; here’s Pikachu and here’s Plusle. Here’s Caterpie and here’s Wurmple. Is this Pidgey, or is it Swellow? Mr and Mrs Rhyhorn, congratulations, it’s a Lairon. The list goes on and on, almost like a before and after exhibition of idiocy.
Gameplay
Gameplay is… actually, sing along with me; you can have up to six Pokemon in your current party, with reserve Pokemon in your computer. Combat is turn-based, in which your Pokemon can use up to four moves, or use an Item to help it win. You catch Pokemon using big red balls (I’d make a joke, but I’m above that… no I’m not. Tee hee, big red balls) all of which have six stats, HP (how much damage it can take), Attack (how much damage a physical attack will meat out), Defence (how much the opponent’s physical attacks are resisted), Speed (if your Pokemon’s speed is higher than the other Pokemon’s Speed, yours will go first), Special Attack (how much Special Attacks do) and Special Defence (take a guess, Sherlock).
I AM NOT GETTING ANY FORM OF DÉJÀ VU, I AM NOT GETTING ANY FORM OF DÉJÀ VU, I AM NOT GETTING ANY FORM OF DÉJÀ VU!
Brock Obama does not campaign for change.Actually, the reason I’ve always preferred Pokemon’s gameplay to other JRPGs, besides the fact that Pokemon doesn’t have random encounters, can be completed in under a year and isn’t shit, is that you’re on exactly the same level as everybody else, so you actually need to think about what Pokemon you choose. Most other JRPGs think ‘strategy’ means ‘hit it until it drops dead’. You have to compensate for the weaknesses of one of your Pokemon with the strengths of another, or else you are doomed to fail… or considering this game, you aren’t. Yes, this might be the easiest game of the lot. So long as you know about keeping your Pokemon healthy, this game is a breeze. The trainers you fight are vastly under-levelled. While this was true in the start of Pokemon Gold/Silver, they made up for it by giving the Gym Leaders some insanely strong Pokemon, and also it made sense seeing as the world was a hell of a lot bigger. Hell, Pokemon Red/Blue didn’t bother with giving you hope; the game just put you up against Godzilla with a twig and said “Go for it.” Pokemon Emerald, on the other hand, gives you a fully armed and operational Death Star from Star Wars and panics, whimpering behind your back and pointing at a hamster wailing in fright. Even the Elite Four and the Champion, the five strongest Pokemon trainers in the world, were all defeated by my totally awesome Mudkip and some of the other Pokemon I picked up for when things got hairy. I had exactly three Pokemon, Mudkip, Abra and Minun, and I still wiped the floor with this game before the bus stopped.
Actually, now there is a new feature. Personalities. See, now you can’t just look at the stats of a Pokemon and say, well, damn, this Pokemon’s damn good with its Speed. You have to look at how it feels about you and what kind of Berry it doesn’t like and whether it prefers Roast Vegetables to Salad to accompany its main course… actually, this is also a lie, the changes are minimal when it comes to the Pokemon’s strength, its only function is to add another simple non-puzzle into making your Pokemon love you. Urgh, the love system. Look, it doesn’t matter. Your Pokemon will end up loving you no matter what. The only way to make them hate you is if you suck, and even then, it does bugger all to how much damage it does, it just makes one move stronger and/or weaker. So, basically, everything new this game adds is made redundant by its lack of impact.
Oh, wait, should I talk about the Pokemon Contests?
Oh boy… the Contests. It’s like combat, only you can’t do damage, and you don’t win anything. Basically, you have to use attacks to appeal to a panel of judges. Each attack has a certain effect and a type of attack, out of Beauty, Smart, Cool, Tough, Cute, Sexy, Knitting, Snowboarding and, most exciting of them all, the Latin Essay. Ok, some of those, don’t exist, but like it matters. Basically you have to appeal to whatever category your Pokemon best fits in and win a Ribbon that does bugger all for you. YAAAAAY!!! How… redundant. How fitting for this game. I’m just beginning to realise this might be the most redundant game to ever exist. Bad games do something. Good games do something. This game does absolutely nothing for anybody in the world. It’s the equivalent of making a cup of tea and not putting the teabag in.Hardware
So now we get into the only way a Pokemon game hopes to actually advance in any way, shape or form. The hardware. And does this game improve? Despite being on a whole new system… no it doesn’t.
Well, it does in some areas. For once there are more than three colours, and the music sounds like its being played on real instruments… well, a piano and a trumpet. It doesn’t do anything else too well, but whatever. As for the graphics… well, they aren’t worse than Pokemon Gold/Silver… actually, scratch that, they are. Oh, the Pokemon designs aren’t bad. They’re a somewhat similar standard as before but with cleaner lines. No, I mean in the animation. Actually, again, scratch that, because there isn’t any. There’s a difference between animating the sprites of the Pokemon and simply moving them from left to right, Game Freak.
In fact, this game is actually smaller than before. The world’s a hell of a lot smaller than before. It takes about five minutes to walk from one side to the other, while in Pokemon Gold/Silver, hell, even Red/Blue, it took hours to get everywhere by foot. Some people might say “good, because I have stuff to do” but that’s not the point. The world in Pokemon Emerald feels small and rather insignificant. Also, we’re back to eight gym leaders rather than sixteen. Even the gameplay length is shorter. And there might be even less Pokemon than before. That’s Pokemon Emerald. Half the size as Pokemon Gold/Silver and it certainly shows. If Pokemon Gold/Silver was all of Ronnie Corbett’s unnecessary cameos in one person, then Pokemon Emerald is Ronnie Corbett himself.
Other Notes
I just have a word about the designs of the actual people in this game, because it’s a strange point nobody else has brought up. The majority are fair enough. The male protagonist looks like a total bellend, the baddies are even bigger bellends, the trainer types fit into their stereotypes, so it’s all good… then you see some of the female characters. Now, video games have never been
… but there’s always been an understandable if not justifiable reason for it. It’s Character Design 101 to make your characters appealing. That’s why almost all Final Fantasy male characters are either gay-fan-fiction-bait mega-hot lady-boys or manly-power-house muscle-bound uber-studs, and all the women make Audrey Hepburn look like Ann Widdecombe. Another good point is that uber-sexy characters are only in games targeted to the age group interested in that sort of thing, late teens to early thirties, and certainly not in a game aimed for eight year olds upwards, that’d be silly…
… and then you get to the character selection screen.
My jaw landed on the floor when I saw the female choice. I know, the whole ‘appealing character rule’ but DAMN! Who the fuck is this? Not too shabby for somebody younger than me. Her hips are wider than her shoulders. She wears hot-pants. Isn’t she ten in the anime? Seriously, Japan, what the fuck? What the hell’s up with this chick? Did she hit puberty when she was five? Frankly, this makes me both disturbed and jealous. The ladies get to be the cutest girl in school; us blokes, we get stuck with a white-haired dork in a stupid bandanna.
I might be the only person bothered by this sort of stuff, but I can’t help it. Sexiness doesn’t belong in Pokemon. Sure, there were moments in the other games, but they had context. The Beauties were sexy in the first and second games because they were, well, Beauties so it wouldn't make sense if they weren’t sexy. In Pokemon Emerald, sexiness is only here for the sake of it, like putting a live walrus in the middle of a restaurant because you’ve taken the statuette to be cleaned. Yes, it’s there, but it doesn’t compliment anything, it’s just a distraction, howling and spitting and everybody feels dirty. It’s especially distressing when the Lasses show up, wearing school uniforms with plaid mini-skirts, or the Team Aqua Executives, who proudly show you their Wonder Bras, or even the fourth gym leader Flannery or the second of the Elite Four Phoebe, the latter in particular for dressing less like the fourth most powerful person in the world and more like Samus Aran if you collect every single item in a Metroid game. It just doesn’t belong here. It’s frightening. It feels like the kind of thing that would be mentioned in a political-horror story set in a dystopian future, not the game franchise that gave us Pikachu.
Final Word
I’m being overly hateful. This is actually a really fun game. I mean, it is Pokemon. On its own merits, it’s a good game, fun and interesting. It’s certainly not bad. The problem is that it’s just so un-inspired, a complete rehashing of the old games. It’s a perfectly functional game, but it feels like a step backwards, mostly in the technical side. Eight gyms instead of sixteen, no moving animations, a smaller world map, a smaller… just smaller. The whole thing seems like a lower quality version, the Rich Tea Biscuit nadir to the Chocolate Hobnob zeniths that were the original two GameBoy games (or six, or even seven, but possibly less or more or AAARRRGGGHHH.)
The Pokemon themselves are simple rehashing of old designs, or, if not that, then incredibly stupid, the pretence of a story is a long and annoying chain of XP grinds and the game as a whole subtracts less from Pokemon Gold. This is a good game, perfectly enjoyable and I had a whale of a time playing it, but this is where everything started to go wrong for Pokemon… or was it? Maybe Diamond/Pearl would be better, right?
Next week, something that isn't Pokemon related.
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