Sponge Culture Reviews
Rob Stoakes Reviews
Top Five Good Series Gone Bad
Prologue
Now, if you own a Wii, know a friend who owns a Wii, stood in the same room as a Wii at some point in your life or simply have one working limb, the chances are that you have played Metroid Other M. For those of you who haven’t, you may have noticed that every single person on the earth is, for once, in agreement: Metroid Other M is not liked by a single right-minded person in the world. The general consensus is that it’s a barely mediocre game that is generally inferior to the otherwise brilliant Metroid series, a rental at best, and not really worth the price of a full-length game. Harsh words, but I’m sure you’re all saying “Well, I can think of worse.” but then you talk to the average Metroid fan and, well… wow.
I don’t think I’ve seen a fan base turn so suddenly and so quickly from loyal and obedient cash machines into slavering wild men. I personally feel that nailing your own genitalia to a train track and waiting for the 1534 to arrive is more fun than playing the festering pile of poo-poo that is Metroid Other M, but even I was gob-smacked by how many other Metroid fans agree with me. Even bonkers hardcore fanatics who actually paid £400 to read the manga and actually have an uncompleted Varia Suit in the garage have thrown their hands up and said enough was enough. The insane easiness, the lack of exploration, the idiocy of the “Can’t let you do that, Samus” rigmoral, and most of all, taking such an independent, strong, eats-nails-for-breakfast badass character like Samus Aran and turning her into a whiny, co-dependant, idiotic, fearful, lonely, I’m-such-an-innocent-flower-child, Bella Swan, can’t-shut-the-fuck-up, cowardly, I’m-just-a-little-girl-who-needs-compassion, brainless, self-doubting, worthless-without-a-man, nervous, roll-me-over-and-treat-me-like-a-bitch, stupid, moronic berk who stops every five seconds to monologue about ‘how young and naïve and afraid I was’ back when SHE SAVED THE UNIVERSE FROM MOTHER BRAIN and wonders ‘what Adam would do. Oh, if only Adam were here. Please Adam, make me your bitch! I’ve got a big cream arrow pointing down on my back. Come on Adam! Do me up the butt! Adam, oh Adam! ADAM, FUCK ME! ROCK ME LIKE A HURRICANE! ADAM! ADAAAAAMM!!!’ Oh Samus, you were once respectable.
Inspired by this, I decided to have a look at other series and franchises that started off great then suddenly became so bad, so absolutely dreary, a graph explaining how good they are resembles a graph about our current financial situation TOPICAL HUMOUR SNORT SNORT!
Number 5 – Digimon: The First Series
Most people will recall me mentioning my opinions on the first Digimon series, often called Digimon Adventure, in brief during the Digimon Adventure 02 (side-note, that’s a stupid name. Why not just ‘Digimon Adventure 2’ or ‘Digimon Adventure: The Second Series’ or even something as cheesy as ‘Digimon Adventure: A Whole New Something-or-other’, anything but that unnecessary and stupid looking zero) review, but not my full opinion. While it was true that I was more in the Pokemon camp, I did love Digimon when I was a mere stripling, and surprisingly, it’s probably aged a lot better than most shows that I watched when I was younger. I didn’t watch a lot of television back then, mostly tapes of really old shit, so there are only a few cartoons and shows I watched in the nineties then that I could tolerate now, examples being the bizarre and too-cheesy-not-to-love Pokemon (gee, what a shock) or the shamelessly innocent and old-school ChuckleVision (though I’d rather have my left foot gnawed off by badgers than watch one of the various Chuckle Brothers live shows) or the absolutely peerless game show Robot Wars (which I personally hold as the greatest television broadcast of all time and still demand an eighth series even six years after it ended), and surprisingly enough Digimon is one of them… to a point.
Firstly, I can never watch more than an episode a day because otherwise my ears might melt. The voice acting is abysmal, and I mean “The Time of The Apes” abysmal, especially later on when we get Metalseadramon (again, stupid name) shouting stuff like “Yooo have – failed, MEEE (!) again. I, wheel not tor-LERRHH-ate… FAAAAY-liure.” I would say that it’s hilarious, but my so-bad-it’s-funny appetite has been spoilt somewhat by the Finnish dub of Digimon which is just… it’s sort of like “I am Torgo. I take care of the place while the master is away.”
Secondly, I mentioned that the plot went snooker loopy half way in, but that’s slightly unfair. More, it was all well and good for the first story arc, then robotic Elvis monkey ninja showed up, and as you might have guessed, it went mental. Then a vampire came along and said “I’m going to the real world MWUH HAHA HAHA” and, while the villain himself was rubbish, the idea of Digimon rampaging around Earth was cool, then the vampire became some weird Godzilla spider man thing and just wouldn’t die. After that, these four dickheads came along to be massive dickheads, and the first one (“Yooo have – failed, MEEE (!) again.”) was crap, the middle two were so awesomely awesome that they out-awesomed the entire series, then The Joker showed up (?) and then they were attacked by a giant Rubik’s cube and it was over.
Rob Stoakes Reviews
Top Five Good Series Gone Bad
Prologue
Now, if you own a Wii, know a friend who owns a Wii, stood in the same room as a Wii at some point in your life or simply have one working limb, the chances are that you have played Metroid Other M. For those of you who haven’t, you may have noticed that every single person on the earth is, for once, in agreement: Metroid Other M is not liked by a single right-minded person in the world. The general consensus is that it’s a barely mediocre game that is generally inferior to the otherwise brilliant Metroid series, a rental at best, and not really worth the price of a full-length game. Harsh words, but I’m sure you’re all saying “Well, I can think of worse.” but then you talk to the average Metroid fan and, well… wow.
I don’t think I’ve seen a fan base turn so suddenly and so quickly from loyal and obedient cash machines into slavering wild men. I personally feel that nailing your own genitalia to a train track and waiting for the 1534 to arrive is more fun than playing the festering pile of poo-poo that is Metroid Other M, but even I was gob-smacked by how many other Metroid fans agree with me. Even bonkers hardcore fanatics who actually paid £400 to read the manga and actually have an uncompleted Varia Suit in the garage have thrown their hands up and said enough was enough. The insane easiness, the lack of exploration, the idiocy of the “Can’t let you do that, Samus” rigmoral, and most of all, taking such an independent, strong, eats-nails-for-breakfast badass character like Samus Aran and turning her into a whiny, co-dependant, idiotic, fearful, lonely, I’m-such-an-innocent-flower-child, Bella Swan, can’t-shut-the-fuck-up, cowardly, I’m-just-a-little-girl-who-needs-compassion, brainless, self-doubting, worthless-without-a-man, nervous, roll-me-over-and-treat-me-like-a-bitch, stupid, moronic berk who stops every five seconds to monologue about ‘how young and naïve and afraid I was’ back when SHE SAVED THE UNIVERSE FROM MOTHER BRAIN and wonders ‘what Adam would do. Oh, if only Adam were here. Please Adam, make me your bitch! I’ve got a big cream arrow pointing down on my back. Come on Adam! Do me up the butt! Adam, oh Adam! ADAM, FUCK ME! ROCK ME LIKE A HURRICANE! ADAM! ADAAAAAMM!!!’ Oh Samus, you were once respectable.
Inspired by this, I decided to have a look at other series and franchises that started off great then suddenly became so bad, so absolutely dreary, a graph explaining how good they are resembles a graph about our current financial situation TOPICAL HUMOUR SNORT SNORT!
Number 5 – Digimon: The First Series
Most people will recall me mentioning my opinions on the first Digimon series, often called Digimon Adventure, in brief during the Digimon Adventure 02 (side-note, that’s a stupid name. Why not just ‘Digimon Adventure 2’ or ‘Digimon Adventure: The Second Series’ or even something as cheesy as ‘Digimon Adventure: A Whole New Something-or-other’, anything but that unnecessary and stupid looking zero) review, but not my full opinion. While it was true that I was more in the Pokemon camp, I did love Digimon when I was a mere stripling, and surprisingly, it’s probably aged a lot better than most shows that I watched when I was younger. I didn’t watch a lot of television back then, mostly tapes of really old shit, so there are only a few cartoons and shows I watched in the nineties then that I could tolerate now, examples being the bizarre and too-cheesy-not-to-love Pokemon (gee, what a shock) or the shamelessly innocent and old-school ChuckleVision (though I’d rather have my left foot gnawed off by badgers than watch one of the various Chuckle Brothers live shows) or the absolutely peerless game show Robot Wars (which I personally hold as the greatest television broadcast of all time and still demand an eighth series even six years after it ended), and surprisingly enough Digimon is one of them… to a point.
Firstly, I can never watch more than an episode a day because otherwise my ears might melt. The voice acting is abysmal, and I mean “The Time of The Apes” abysmal, especially later on when we get Metalseadramon (again, stupid name) shouting stuff like “Yooo have – failed, MEEE (!) again. I, wheel not tor-LERRHH-ate… FAAAAY-liure.” I would say that it’s hilarious, but my so-bad-it’s-funny appetite has been spoilt somewhat by the Finnish dub of Digimon which is just… it’s sort of like “I am Torgo. I take care of the place while the master is away.”
Secondly, I mentioned that the plot went snooker loopy half way in, but that’s slightly unfair. More, it was all well and good for the first story arc, then robotic Elvis monkey ninja showed up, and as you might have guessed, it went mental. Then a vampire came along and said “I’m going to the real world MWUH HAHA HAHA” and, while the villain himself was rubbish, the idea of Digimon rampaging around Earth was cool, then the vampire became some weird Godzilla spider man thing and just wouldn’t die. After that, these four dickheads came along to be massive dickheads, and the first one (“Yooo have – failed, MEEE (!) again.”) was crap, the middle two were so awesomely awesome that they out-awesomed the entire series, then The Joker showed up (?) and then they were attacked by a giant Rubik’s cube and it was over.
Most people’s reaction to the plot summary.
Ok, can we please choose a story and stick with it? I know we’ve got fifty episodes to pump out, but surely we can pace it better than this! You set up these villains to be mega-badasses who can destroy the world by sneezing and make Darth Vader look like Steve Martin, and they last for bout five episodes before another one pops up and says “Aha, but I am even stronger!” with all the sincerity of a puppy telling you that it didn’t shit on the rug. And the ‘DigiDestined’ (snigger) are always bloody searching for something. They just find ways to continue searching. “We need to find a way to Digivolve, oh, now we’ve got to find the tags, now the crest, now our parents, now the TV remote, where is that TV remote, there it is, there, there, not there, there, look, see, I’m pointing at it, come on, you bastards, just look!” This is the entire series. “Where is it? Here it is. Oh, what’s that? Where is it? FIGHT SCENE!” Lather, rinse, repeat… four times!
Number 4 – Carry On Films
The Carry On films are widely considered comedy classics, but, to be honest, are they really? Out of the 31 Carry On films that were made, everybody only really remembers about four; Carry On Sergeant, Carry On Screaming, Carry On Up The Khyber and Carry On Camping, Carry On Camping being often called the best despite being unremittingly shit. Oh, and there’s also bloody Carry On Henry and fucking Carry On Dick. Turn on ITV4 right now, and I can guarantee that one of those two is on. No matter what I do, no matter what day it is or what time it is, or even how long it has been since the last showing, they’re playing these two back to back for eternity.
For those of you who don’t know what the Carry On films are, you’re probably not British. For those of you who are British and don’t know about the Carry On films, you’re probably dead. Anyway, to explain, the Carry On films were a series of low budget comedies that ran from late fifties to the late seventies (with another in 1992 as a tribute/revival that lives in infamy for being as funny as watching a child die in the trousers of a smiling bear) which all had the gimmick of having the same fucking cast playing the same fucking characters in the same fucking situations. As you might have guessed, I don’t really like the more well known Carry On films. The best known ones are just a long string of knob jokes, well-endowed girls getting their knockers out, double entendres, Barbara Windsor wearing the lowest cut top she can find…
Ok, can we please choose a story and stick with it? I know we’ve got fifty episodes to pump out, but surely we can pace it better than this! You set up these villains to be mega-badasses who can destroy the world by sneezing and make Darth Vader look like Steve Martin, and they last for bout five episodes before another one pops up and says “Aha, but I am even stronger!” with all the sincerity of a puppy telling you that it didn’t shit on the rug. And the ‘DigiDestined’ (snigger) are always bloody searching for something. They just find ways to continue searching. “We need to find a way to Digivolve, oh, now we’ve got to find the tags, now the crest, now our parents, now the TV remote, where is that TV remote, there it is, there, there, not there, there, look, see, I’m pointing at it, come on, you bastards, just look!” This is the entire series. “Where is it? Here it is. Oh, what’s that? Where is it? FIGHT SCENE!” Lather, rinse, repeat… four times!
Number 4 – Carry On Films
The Carry On films are widely considered comedy classics, but, to be honest, are they really? Out of the 31 Carry On films that were made, everybody only really remembers about four; Carry On Sergeant, Carry On Screaming, Carry On Up The Khyber and Carry On Camping, Carry On Camping being often called the best despite being unremittingly shit. Oh, and there’s also bloody Carry On Henry and fucking Carry On Dick. Turn on ITV4 right now, and I can guarantee that one of those two is on. No matter what I do, no matter what day it is or what time it is, or even how long it has been since the last showing, they’re playing these two back to back for eternity.
For those of you who don’t know what the Carry On films are, you’re probably not British. For those of you who are British and don’t know about the Carry On films, you’re probably dead. Anyway, to explain, the Carry On films were a series of low budget comedies that ran from late fifties to the late seventies (with another in 1992 as a tribute/revival that lives in infamy for being as funny as watching a child die in the trousers of a smiling bear) which all had the gimmick of having the same fucking cast playing the same fucking characters in the same fucking situations. As you might have guessed, I don’t really like the more well known Carry On films. The best known ones are just a long string of knob jokes, well-endowed girls getting their knockers out, double entendres, Barbara Windsor wearing the lowest cut top she can find…
Well, thank goodness she’s packed that nonsense in.
... and Kenneth Williams being simultaneously camp as a row of tent, straight as a metre stick, bent as a ten pound note and classy as a glass statuette of a swan. However, the first ten Carry On films are comedy gold. Particular gems are Carry On Nurse, Carry On Cleo and, my personal favourite, Carry On Teacher, probably the most un-Carry On-esque film of the franchise. While Carry On films are known generally for their ‘ooh-errr-missus’ double entendres, the earlier ones based themselves more on farce and silly puns, especially Carry On Cleo for the classic “Infamy! Infamy! They’ve all got it infamy!” That, and even in the worst, Kenneth Williams is always brilliant. Now if only it had stayed that way…
Number 3 - Spyro
Lots of people say that Final Fantasy 7 and Metal Gear Solid sold the PlayStation, but if you asked who the mascots for the PlayStation were, it would eventually break down to either Crash Bandicoot or Spyro the Dragon, and, guess what, I fucking love the original Spyro trilogy. They are all incredibly fun games, with a quirky sense of humour and sublime 3D platforming. They all rest comfortably in my favourite ever games. In fact, though I want to keep you in the dark as to my absolute favourite game, film, TV programme (though I’ve already given away that one earlier in this article) and/or book of all time, but Spyro 3 is in the top five and is also higher than Pokemon. Not a particularly complex gameplay experience (though Square to Charge, Circle to Breathe Fire, X twice to glide and Triangle to hover are all imprinted in my brain like the function to breathe) the series was challenging rather than difficult, asking for the players to hone their skills rather than get lucky with a jump like most platformers. The stories were simple and had lots of interesting characters, and then…
… and then the PS2 came out.
The PlayStation 2 Spyro games are an anomaly in terms of how bad they are, because they change little but what they do change kills the entire franchise dead. They don’t change that much in level design, though the characters are quickly separated into groups called ‘Spyro, Sparx and Hunter, so they’re staying’ and ‘Everyone else so they’re going’. And the separation is carried out by an SS officer with a Lugar, and he brings in some Disney-esque charmless dead puppets, devoid of all emotion, function or purpose, only there to simply stand around and stagnate. However, they aren’t in it very much. No, the anomaly comes in the gameplay changes. Now there are different types of fire, which makes about as much sense as eating a dead rat as one of your five-pieces-of-fruit-a-day and have the same function, to make you puke. Also, it was made by completely different people, so the whole thing feels like a complete charade. Tom Kenny, the voice of Spyro in Spyro 2 and 3, is gone, replaced by Jess Harnell, who has dropped a long way from Wakko in Animaniacs, and the voice acting never gets much better. That and that there were bugged so far up the arse that they were literally spewing small insects up as if they were in Creepshow, and it doesn’t help the already abysmal graphics.
... and Kenneth Williams being simultaneously camp as a row of tent, straight as a metre stick, bent as a ten pound note and classy as a glass statuette of a swan. However, the first ten Carry On films are comedy gold. Particular gems are Carry On Nurse, Carry On Cleo and, my personal favourite, Carry On Teacher, probably the most un-Carry On-esque film of the franchise. While Carry On films are known generally for their ‘ooh-errr-missus’ double entendres, the earlier ones based themselves more on farce and silly puns, especially Carry On Cleo for the classic “Infamy! Infamy! They’ve all got it infamy!” That, and even in the worst, Kenneth Williams is always brilliant. Now if only it had stayed that way…
Number 3 - Spyro
Lots of people say that Final Fantasy 7 and Metal Gear Solid sold the PlayStation, but if you asked who the mascots for the PlayStation were, it would eventually break down to either Crash Bandicoot or Spyro the Dragon, and, guess what, I fucking love the original Spyro trilogy. They are all incredibly fun games, with a quirky sense of humour and sublime 3D platforming. They all rest comfortably in my favourite ever games. In fact, though I want to keep you in the dark as to my absolute favourite game, film, TV programme (though I’ve already given away that one earlier in this article) and/or book of all time, but Spyro 3 is in the top five and is also higher than Pokemon. Not a particularly complex gameplay experience (though Square to Charge, Circle to Breathe Fire, X twice to glide and Triangle to hover are all imprinted in my brain like the function to breathe) the series was challenging rather than difficult, asking for the players to hone their skills rather than get lucky with a jump like most platformers. The stories were simple and had lots of interesting characters, and then…
… and then the PS2 came out.
The PlayStation 2 Spyro games are an anomaly in terms of how bad they are, because they change little but what they do change kills the entire franchise dead. They don’t change that much in level design, though the characters are quickly separated into groups called ‘Spyro, Sparx and Hunter, so they’re staying’ and ‘Everyone else so they’re going’. And the separation is carried out by an SS officer with a Lugar, and he brings in some Disney-esque charmless dead puppets, devoid of all emotion, function or purpose, only there to simply stand around and stagnate. However, they aren’t in it very much. No, the anomaly comes in the gameplay changes. Now there are different types of fire, which makes about as much sense as eating a dead rat as one of your five-pieces-of-fruit-a-day and have the same function, to make you puke. Also, it was made by completely different people, so the whole thing feels like a complete charade. Tom Kenny, the voice of Spyro in Spyro 2 and 3, is gone, replaced by Jess Harnell, who has dropped a long way from Wakko in Animaniacs, and the voice acting never gets much better. That and that there were bugged so far up the arse that they were literally spewing small insects up as if they were in Creepshow, and it doesn’t help the already abysmal graphics.
He’s single, ladies.And please, don’t start me on The Legend of Spyro reboot. Sure, Elijah Wood was literally born to play as Spyro, but the design of the new Spyro is so butt-fuck ugly I can’t look at the screen for fear of having my face burnt off by Satan. And if you’ve ever seen any terrible kid’s fantasy film made in the eighties and starring Rob Schneider, you’ve played this game before, only this is far longer and far worse. It’s so confusing and yet so stupid it deserves a reward for baffling me to the point of anger, and I managed to keep up with The Matrix trilogy.
Number 2 - Jaws
Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear.
Well, the original was great. It was a slow movie, but that’s what made it so great. It was a build up on dread, the crushing horror that at any time a shark could and would tear you apart with not a care. It was a slow movie, yes, but never calm. The tension could be cut with a knife, and it was only exasperated by the fact that the characters themselves were incredibly likable. The acting was very good, convincing us that these were real people with real lives that could at any moment be simply torn away in a second’s notice. Not forgetting Jaws himself. Michael Myers is human. Jason Voorhees is human. Max Cady, Norman Bates, Curt Duncan. All human. They can be shot, stabbed, pushed down stairs and beaten up. They may be tough or clever or evil, but they are all human. Jaws is a shark, though, and sharks are tough and nasty bastards. The idea of being eaten is a frightening one, possibly the most painful way to die, and humans aren’t exactly very fast in the water. The victims in the original Jaws don’t die because they’re stupid. They die because they’re helpless, and against Jaws they can not compete.
Cut to the next three Jaws movies: “HEY! A SHARK! LET’S POKE IT! OOOH! OOOH! COME ON, SHARKY!”
Yes, the characters are almost all retarded lepers who simply don’t care about their own lives. They send much of the movie acting like unlikeable pricks who you’ve seen before in every Jason movie made, then die because of their own idiocy, and all the other characters go “So, why did he die? Let’s do the same thing as he did to find out.” And the acting doesn’t help, making the Finnish version of Digimon look like Lawrence Olivier.
I think the biggest problem with these movies though is the shark itself, which is ironic. The original had very little of the shark, and not knowing if and when the shark would attack made the whole film tense and suspenseful while Jaws 2 through 4 can all be summed up by shouting “OH MY GOD A FUCKING SHARK DID YOU KNOW THAT THERE WAS A SHARK IN THIS MOVIE BECAUSE THERE IT FUCKING IS!!!”
So, after that atrocity, what could possibly win?
Number 1 – Star Wars
Didn’t that come out of nowhere?
I don’t think I should explain this one, but I will anyway. Because you all know Star Wars, don’t you? That homage to stories of old, revolutionising sci-fi and filmmaking forever, bringing in a whole slew of new talent including some the best actors of the late 20th century, bringing old story telling conventions back into fashion, a grand and glorious tribute to samurai, western and fantasy stories which has given us many new ideas our generation takes for granted, such as the influence for great new fantasy locations…
… or am I talking about the shoddy, poorly-conceived pile of bum fluff, revolutionising futile money spinning and easily marketable creations forever, bringing in some hideously bad actors into fashion like a giant whack-a-mole for critics, a piss poor gibbering mess. Does this at all hold a candle to the originals?
I think the biggest problem with these movies though is the shark itself, which is ironic. The original had very little of the shark, and not knowing if and when the shark would attack made the whole film tense and suspenseful while Jaws 2 through 4 can all be summed up by shouting “OH MY GOD A FUCKING SHARK DID YOU KNOW THAT THERE WAS A SHARK IN THIS MOVIE BECAUSE THERE IT FUCKING IS!!!”
So, after that atrocity, what could possibly win?
Number 1 – Star Wars
Didn’t that come out of nowhere?
I don’t think I should explain this one, but I will anyway. Because you all know Star Wars, don’t you? That homage to stories of old, revolutionising sci-fi and filmmaking forever, bringing in a whole slew of new talent including some the best actors of the late 20th century, bringing old story telling conventions back into fashion, a grand and glorious tribute to samurai, western and fantasy stories which has given us many new ideas our generation takes for granted, such as the influence for great new fantasy locations…
… or am I talking about the shoddy, poorly-conceived pile of bum fluff, revolutionising futile money spinning and easily marketable creations forever, bringing in some hideously bad actors into fashion like a giant whack-a-mole for critics, a piss poor gibbering mess. Does this at all hold a candle to the originals?
The prequels are the ultimate example of a series selling out. If the original Star Wars is a Herculean super-billionaire scientist then the prequels are when he begins endorsing for Pepsi and becomes a shallow marketing whore. The series declined into a messy, dreary, tired bollock, becoming the most generic kiddie dross of all time, solely made to sell McDonald’s toys. Here at Sponge Culture, we hate the mediocre, the safe, the lazy and the overrated above all other than the genuinely bad, and Star Wars prequels couldn’t be more safe and lazy if it tried. And that’s before we get into the individual merits:
The Gungans. Those weird fish-like China-man stereotypes. Natalie Portman. The dickhead who played as Anakin ‘Whaaaaaaaaa! Whaaaaaaaaaa! I’m not a very good Jedi! No one takes me seriously. Whaaaaaaaaaa! Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!’ Skywalker. The CGI that resembled a man throwing some drawings on paper and shouting ‘Whoosh!’ The Clone Wars movie. Jar Jar Binks! I think carrying on would be slaughter. The whole thing has been shackled down, a design-by-committee ‘weird-aliens, two three, whiny-young-adult, three four, Natalie Portman, four five. It’s made for kids, and I hate kids. Almost as much as I hate Metroid Other M. They scream, shout and shit all over the place.
Use a condom. End of review.
The Gungans. Those weird fish-like China-man stereotypes. Natalie Portman. The dickhead who played as Anakin ‘Whaaaaaaaaa! Whaaaaaaaaaa! I’m not a very good Jedi! No one takes me seriously. Whaaaaaaaaaa! Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!’ Skywalker. The CGI that resembled a man throwing some drawings on paper and shouting ‘Whoosh!’ The Clone Wars movie. Jar Jar Binks! I think carrying on would be slaughter. The whole thing has been shackled down, a design-by-committee ‘weird-aliens, two three, whiny-young-adult, three four, Natalie Portman, four five. It’s made for kids, and I hate kids. Almost as much as I hate Metroid Other M. They scream, shout and shit all over the place.
Use a condom. End of review.
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