The Films of 2010 - Part 1

SPONGE CULTURE PRESENTS
THE FILMS OF 2010

So, here’s one for you. Every single film I saw this year that was released in this year. Now, a quick few disclaimers. Firstly, due to the number of films I saw this year, I won’t be going into too much depth. Secondly, no I haven’t seen every film this year. I didn’t see such dross as Twilight; Eclipse or such masterpieces as Shutter Island. If your favourite or pet-peeve isn’t on this list, I didn’t see it so don’t say ‘How dare you don’t say X is the greatest movie ever!’ and, before you recommend stuff, consider that I might plan on seeing them. Thirdly, I’m writing this on December 1st. So, December films won’t be reviewed unless I see them before I’ve finished writing. That means no Tron Legacy, no Machete, no Unstoppable (unless as I said I end up seeing them). I’m probably doing another version of this in sexy video format, so by then I might have seen those films.

The list is going in order of release rather than quality. This is also one of the few reviews to have a ratings system. HE-AR IST ZA KEY, MEIN FURHER!

* - Would rather set fire to my pubes and disembowel myself than watch again.
** - Made me puke in shame.
*** - Better than being lynched, though not much better.
**** - Forgotten it even exists.
***** - Enjoyed it at the time, but can’t remember much of it
****** - Good film, though don’t expect the Promised Land
******* - Well above average or even good film. Buy it on DVD next year.
******** - Watch only once. Watching it twice could ruin your appetite for other, not as good films.
********* - Near perfect. Better than riding a T-Rex.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Cheating here as it came out last year, but I saw it this year, so I’ll let it slide. Sherlock Holmes’s first outing in a very long time, and boy was it worth the wait. Ok, the plot’s ridiculous, the Rachel McAdams side-plot goes nowhere fast and the central mystery virtually non-existent and you aren’t given the clues necessary to work it out until the end, but the books were like that, and the two leads are worth the price alone. I wasn’t the only one to be cynical about Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law but they fit the roles beautifully and have a marvellous chemistry, the closest portrayal of either character yet. Coupled with great action, and you have one, dare I say, elementary ride AHH HA HA HA HA HA I’m clever.

Rating: *******

ARMOURED

Yes, I’m spelling it the British way. Go me. A kind of forgettable film. If you’ve ever seen any action film ever made, you’ve seen this. An interesting premise and a half-decent script doesn’t elevate this film above average scores, and the lacklustre action doesn’t help, but overall no big deal-breakers, and is better than sitting in at home bashing your head against a wall in sheer boredom.

Rating: *****

PERCY JACKSON AND THE OLYMPIANS; THE LIGHTNING THIEF


Thief is the word here. Thief of Harry Potter, of Lord of the Rings, of Eragon and indeed of any family film made since ever. The script, the set pieces, everything seems like what would happen if Harry Potter was from New York. Not to say this film brings nothing new to the table. It also brings terrible acting, a mess of a story, shitty effects and a complete disregard of the source material. Not a few changes made here and there, either, I mean EVERYTHING is different, and not just the stuff they changed for convinience such as 'Oh, the only actor we can find to play Grover is black, so we'll make him black' or 'Oh, we've ran out of money to create this great God-like special effect, we'll just make him look human but with some glowy stuff done in Photoshop', I mean stuff they didn't need to change but did anyway, to the point where the whole point of the original series is cast out; Percy is 16 instead of 10, the villain’s different, several major characters are nussubg, the plot’s changed completely and only one of the scenario’s from the book is used, and being a bad film, it’s the worst part of the book they kept intact. Thanks, Hollywood. And this is before you account for the film on its own merits. Worst film of the year, by a long, long way.

Rating: *

ALICE IN WONDERLAND

Tim Burton doing what he loves to do the most; pretending to be Terry Gilliam. Attempting to make a dark sequel to the original Alice in Wonderland, Burton instead makes yet another tiresome love letter to his wife Helena Bonham Carter and his other wife Johnny Depp. While all the other characters range from tolerable to very good indeed, particularly a surprisingly complex Alice, they get shoved to the side by JOOOOOOHNY!!! DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPP!!! and OMG BOHNAM CARTER IS CER-RAAAAAZY LOL ROLF LMAO!!! That and boring action and a story that spasms like a dying horse add up to an ultimately yawn-some experience.

Rating: ***

HUBBLE 3D

It’s hard to talk about a documentary made to show off the 3D technology of IMAX, because, well, it’s a documentary made to show off the 3D technology of IMAX. Nothing more. Nothing less. And yet… I loved it. It’s a truly masterful work, and I honestly couldn’t imagine watching it in 2D. It’s a really good film, not really going to tell you a lot about the human psyche, but it will tell you that calming New Age music combined with space imagery flying very slowly in your face will entertain you for longer than you’d think.

Rating: *******