The Films of 2010 - Part 4

VAMPIRES SUCK

When you make a parody of Twilight, a good idea would be for it to be better than Twilight. That’s right, Twilight, I’ll repeat, TWILIGHT, the single worst smash culture phenomenon in decades, is better than this film. HOW DO YOU DO THAT?! WHAT KIND OF MORON ARE YOU?! Oh, wait, it’s Seltzerburg, the same chimps who made Scary Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans and Disaster Movie, now I see why. However, they are showing signs of improvement, believe it or not. There’s less reference to celebrities than in Epic Movie, Scary Movie and Disaster Movie, and they also manage to stick to what they’re parodying, as opposed to Epic Movie, which just parodied what came out eighteen months prior including Nacho fucking Libre of all things. That and the guy who plays as Robert Patterson is really funny, a deadpan brilliance that really understands what parody means, unlike the rest of the film which is a twitching gibbering mess that drools blood and is an experience akin to having your teeth removed with a sledgehammer.

Rating: **

LET ME IN

I think something’s wrong with the actress who played Hit-Girl. She can’t stop playing bonkers murdering machines. If you went back in time and told Hitchcock about Twilight, then asked him to make it, it would look something like Let Me In, except not nearly as funny. Let Me In, a remake of the Swedish 2008 film Let the Right One In, is a film that really gives you a loop, because it’s a romance film of all things, and is genuinely sweet… then the vampire girl leaps up and brains somebody against a wall. This is one bloody movie, with people getting burnt and butchered left right and centre. And it’s a Hammer film, meaning that despite the horrific imagery, you will be giggling the entire way through despite the fact that it’s desperate to scare you. Though the ending, if you get it, is truly horrifying. It’s also one of the most enjoyable films of the year; original, strikingly beautiful and a much better romance than Sex in the City 2 or Eat Pray Love could ever hope to be.

Rating: ********

RED

I think Red was the film The Expendables should’ve been more like and indeed wanted to be more like. Decent action all round, and the underrated Bruce Willis does a brilliant job as always, showing us that he’s just as good a comedy actor as he is an action star. However, he isn’t the funniest thing in this film. No, that would be Adam Malkovich as an insanely paranoid ex-CIA agent. Ok, so this film is on the clichéd side and the plot is rock stupid, but it doesn’t matter too much. This isn’t Bladerunner we’re talking about. If you just want a film you can sit down and put on at any time, you could do a lot worse than Red.

Rating: ******

WILD TARGET

An odd ordering, seeing as this came out a lot earlier in Britain, but I couldn’t remember when, so American release date it is. So, it’s a romantic comedic action film; is it as good as Scott Pilgrim? Pfffffft BAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA no, but again, like Red, it doesn’t have to be. It stars Bill Nighy as Bill Nighy, Ron Weasley as Ron Weasley and that woman on the poster as whatever she did in the film. The action’s pretty piss poor, but the focus is on the comedy which is at least good. In fact, two highlights are Martin Freeman who plays a smug and ruthless assassin with ridiculous teeth that nobody ever brings up, and Rupert Grint, who’s played Ron Weasley for so long it seems he’s turning into Ron Weasley and it’s working really well for him. In fact, this isn’t the only film he’s the highlight of…

Rating: *****

HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS: PART 1

Yes, Ron Weasley is the best thing in a Harry Potter film, I didn’t see that coming. Actually, something is new; he’s the only good thing about this film at all. I kid you not, this film is absolutely dreadful, and it doesn’t make sense. Ok, I’m not the world’s biggest Harry Potter fan, but I really liked last year’s Half Blood Prince, which is odd considering that it’s the worst book of the series by a mile. Deathly Hallows (the book) bored me, but not quite as much as this film, which couldn’t be more boring if it tried to be. In fact, watch the film. All the main cast are teenagers, two dudes and one chick, in a world of supernatural creatures, walking endlessly and talking about nothing for two and a half hours, often in the woods, and is adapted from an incredibly boring, grossly overrated and poorly written book. Where have I seen this before?

OH SNAP!

Yeah, bet you didn’t call that! Twilight, the series that always envied Harry Potter, is now being ripped off by the very series it ripped off in the first place! Harry Potter is taking inspiration from Twilight! WHY? WHY WOULD YOU DO ANYTHING AS STUPID AS THAT?! WHAT THE HELL’S WRONG WITH YOU?! HALF BLOOD PRINCE WAS A GREAT FILM, I KNOW YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU STUPID, INCOMPETANT BUFFOONS!!!

Oh, and it has one of the single most disgusting images of the year – Daniel Radcliff and Emma Watson, naked, slobbering all over each other, tongues and all, and they for some reason resemble fish people. Even fan-fiction writers would be appalled, and not just because it’s not Cedric Diggory that Harry goes to town on. Pass me the vomit bag.

Rating: **

So, that’s it. Here’s to another year of idiocy and incompetence on part of the entertainment industry. Dive for cover.