Rob Stoakes Reviews
Top Five Most Overly Hated Films/Games/TV Shows/Books
Prologue
So you go to the cinema. You talk to the spotty boy who gives you your ticket. You buy the overpriced food and the popcorn that smells funny. You squeeze past the portly gentleman who literally wallows in his bucket of Pepsi. The gaudy adverts for stuff you don’t need roll by, uninteresting to you. You notice that guy from thingamy-whats-it talking about piracy, and you nod silently, pretending that you don’t own ANY pirate DVDs when in fact you downloaded District 9 just before you came. Then, finally, the movie begins. It stars that guy whose name always escapes you, and is directed by that guy who did that film you really liked, if only you could remember what it was. After a good while, the film’s over. It wasn’t great, you thought some of the acting was a little dodgy, but overall, you actually had some fun, and it’s more entertaining than sitting at home doing nothing, right?
Well, you’re wrong, and everyone else in the building is about to prove you wrong, as they stand up in unison, bellowing and booing and howling as if they had just witnessed their only child get pissed on by Piers Morgan. They bite the chairs, they fling their food and they chant death threats to whatever maniacal deity of evil commissioned this atrocity. You decide not to point out the futility of booing at a projector, and go back home, desperately looking for problems with that film, and you shout to yourself “This is quite clearly the worst film ever made! Everyone else said it. Say it too! Fit in! Join the herd! Say it! SAY IT!” But you can’t, because deep down, you know that you’re right. That film was not nearly as bad as everyone said it was. And now, let’s honour those films, books, games and TV programmes that undeservedly get shot in the foot by the critics and the general public. Because fuck them all, what do they know? They complain about this, that, and whatever and refuse to accept that it’s not as bad as they say. Remember, Pearl Harbour, Harry Potter and Love Actually are all well-received, so they must be wrong, right?
The average cinema goer’s face when somebody dangles keys in front of them. Durr hurr hurr hurr hurr, shiny, durr hurr hurr, made by Michael Bay, durr hurr hurr.
Now, this list isn’t rated on how good the film is, but how hated it is. Number 5 maybe superior to Number 1, but Number 2 may be superior to Number 3. They might not be; I’m just using an example. Shut up, I’m too beautiful.
(More commonly known as Colossus and the Head-hunters)
And immediately we start with what is purported to be the worst sword-and-sandal film ever made. A lot of complaints are piled up against this film, such as the insanely simple plot or the plain old nasty English dubbing, with such lines as “Itsimpossibleforyoutomissmeatthisdistancesopleasehitthatshoulderplease” which, of course, is all one word. However, a lot of people forget that almost EVERY film was like this. It was made in a time when suddenly every film had to be an epic. Sinbad the Sailor, Ali Baba, Jason and the Argonauts, all those films. Remember, these kinds of films are either remembered with great fondness or forgotten completely, but really, there’s nothing too distinct about them anymore, unless they either involved Ray Harryhausen or Raquel Welch. I really like these kinds of films, and Maciste contro i cacciatori di teste is no exception.
Today, this film is remembered as a B-Movie, but it really isn’t. Look past the poor dubbing, and you see that the actual writing is fairly standard for the time, and it’s not bad writing either. The story is fairly safe but compelling, and the action is actually very good for this time. You see, this is was back in the good old days before Paul Greengrass and the obsession with shaky cameras. A fight scene used to be where you’d put one or two cameras around and simply say to the actors “Punch each other’s brains out.” And they’d do it. In fact, compare this infamous Star Trek fight with this fight from the Clash of the Titans remake. OK, the Star Trek one sucked, but at least there was fighting rather than Louis Terrier or whatever his name is throwing the camera around while everyone shouts for a bit. This isn’t a fight scene; this is filming a mosh pit in a desert. Please, let us see the fighting and not the heroic lead’s lower left armpit.
Anyway, most of the films of the sword-and-scandal time weren’t as good as Maciste contro i cacciatori di teste, and the setting is also really interesting, too, being set in a lush forest area rather than the usual desert wilderness associated with the genre. An interesting watch, and certainly better than Clash of the Titans 2010. Though, mind you, watching a man teabag a blender would be better than Clash of the Titans 2010.
Number 4 – Antiques Roadshow
Antiques Roadshow is repeatedly the butt of jokes, and it’s not hard to see why.
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to watch Antiques Roadshow. A whole 50 minutes of people bringing vintage clocks, plates and mugs to other people to be told about those vintage clocks and the history of Hastro-glazing pots between 1203 and 2017 (note, this doesn’t exist) and how much its worth. YAAAY!”
Well, whoops-ee-daisy. I actually think that it gets a raw deal, and not only that, but I actually find it genuinely interesting. Call me boring, fusty and old, but I never really seen anything inherently bad about it, and yet it’s constantly labelled as such because of… well, most of its audience is old. In actual fact, it’s a very well made show. The editing is simplistic but sharp, giving you a new camera angle every time you start to drift off to keep your eyes on the screen, so STOP LOOKING AWAY, OVER HERE, THIS WAY, THE SHOW’S OVER HERE, DULLARD, CLICK CLICK!!! If you’re interested in antiques, it’s a reservoir of knowledge to behold, telling you all sorts of nifty little facts. If you aren’t, however, it’s interesting to experience something you’ve never known before.
“Clock’s can cost up to five thousand pounds? Really? Well, this will distract me for long enough to stave off the inevitable plummet into insignificance and depression that comes with day time television”
It’s also great background telly. If you’re waiting for something to happen, such as for a person or letter to arrive or a murderer to be caught in one of your garden traps, you can simply sit down with a nice cup of tea with Antiques Roadshow. Not as good as Come Dine With Me, but better than most prime-time telly, which I can guarantee.
The Pokemon movie franchise is possibly the strangest in movie history. No matter how bad the reviews are, it still seems to come back for more, and weirder still, these aren’t just all straight-to-DVD knock offs we’re talking about like Uwe Boll’s Bloodrayne 2. The first five all got theatrical releases in the West, and even more in Japan. Why? The first was hammered by critics, even despite its financial success oh wait… Oh, wait, the second one made pittance, and was lambasted by critics who despised both films. So why’d they keep on releasing the damn films in cinemas? There’s been nine theatre released Pokemon movies and twelve altogether, with a thirteenth already out in Japan. WHY? WHY? WHY?!
As I may have said in my Top Four Reasons Why Nintendo Suck, I love Pokemon, or at least the games, and the TV series. The films can go drink liquidised hatred… except for Pokemon 3, which is by far the best of the bunch. The story is simplistic, but actually fairly intriguing, confronting the harsh issue with the loss of a child’s parents and just how far they’ll go to get them back. OK, I’m making it sound a lot like the reverse of Pet Sematary but it sort of crosses the same themes. A little girl loses her father to a mysterious species of Pokemon, only to be given the legendary Pokemon Entei, an all-powerful Pokemon that obeys her every order. Giving the recently bereaved child unmatched power wasn’t the best of moves it seems, as she kidnaps and brainwashes Ash’s mother, erects herself as the most powerful Pokemon trainer ever and near kills Ash and his buddies for getting in her path. Its one hell of a grip and at many points really is quite bleak and oppressive, making it seem as if the heroes won’t prevail. The climax is nail-bitingly tense and even scares kids, so a bonus then. Whenever people mention video game movies and say there’s no such thing as a good one (more on that one later), I always mention Pokemon 3, and I think you should too.
Number 2 – Metroid Prime Pinball
Wait, stop laughing. I know what you’re thinking. Metroid? Pinball? Surely you jest! Oh, it gets better. It’s not just pinball with graphics from Metroid. The ball is genuinely Samus Aran in her morph ball form and, get this; there are boss battles…
... and a plot.
Now you can guffaw.
“Are you serious?” Said I and many other Metroid fans. “A Metroid pinball game? With a story? What are you smoking? Cake? Is a second for us a month for you?”
Brass Eye references aside, I was understandably cynical about the game, until I played it, at any rate. It’s actually great fun. In fact, when I sit down to think about it, I can’t think of a better pinball game that isn’t on a computer or an actual pinball machine. Not much to say about it because… it’s pinball. This is just a particularly good pinball game. A lot of variety to its multiple tables, and there are many little minigames… not very good minigames, but great time passers. Like the game itself really. It’s not Super Metroid, but it’s not supposed to be. It’s just a nice time sink, like a pinball game should be.
Yeah. Weren’t expecting this, were you?
The world fell out of love with the Super Mario Bros. around about five minutes after its cinematic release. Kids swarmed in their thousands to go see it only to swarm in their thousands in the toilets puking. And it is shown on television once every so often to remind kids who didn't see it first time around what it feels like to vomit out of disgust and shame…
… except me.
This film just didn’t hurt me at all. And this isn’t because I don’t like Mario. I do. I grew up with Mario. And, in all honesty, I can’t really see what the problem is with this film. It changes too much from the original game? Yeah, because the games had so much to go on. I know Super Mario World had just been released, but so fucking what? How do you make an entire movie out of Super Mario Bros? It’s essentially un-filmable in live action, and as if any big name animators would want to take on this project.
So, they changed it. They experimented. I actually think that this is one of the better dystopian futures in cinema. The soundtrack and designs were really good, and the effects, both practical and CGI, where good for the time. The acting was also very good, except for Dennis Hopper, with Bob Hoskins doing his usual great job. OK, so the writing was gobbledygook, but it was funny gobbledygook. It feels a lot like Dune for me, so bad it’s really good… oh fine, not good, but I think it’s a really underrated film. It’s original, which is more than can be said for most other films in the nineties. In fact, I’d rate it as one of the best video games movies ever made.
That’s right.
Well, can you think of a better video game movie? DOA… no. Resident Evil… no. Final Fantasy 7: Advent Children… definitely not. Street Fighter The Movie…
… Street Fighter The Movie…
… oh no…
… oh god no…
Next Week: Street Fighter: The Movie
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