TOP FOUR REASONS WHY NINTENDO SUCK
Prologue
Nintendo. Just the name invokes a kind of rapid joy in the hearts of many nostalgic gamers. With among the largest libraries of games, including some of the greatest games ever made, under their belt they have become as much a household name as their oh-so wonderful characters, mascots and games.
Yeah, I hate them, too.
Oh, don’t get me wrong. I LOVED Nintendo. Their games are classic treasures in what little is left of my cold, dead, hateful heart. Though understand I said loved with a ‘D’. Yes, in recent years, Nintendo has taken their once sugary, sweet lovely name and covered it in vomit and piss. And we’re here to see just why. Here are the four reasons why Nintendo has killed my enthusiasm. If you’re reading, Miyamoto, HANG YOUR HEAD IN SHAME!!!
Number 4 – Where’s the Pokemon MMO?
There are plenty who says Pokemon is an annoyingly cutesy series that only girls, kids and pussies play. I disagree. I think that Pokemon is one of the few consistently great series left in fiction full stop, with a frankly astounding debut title that still holds up as the gold standard I judge games by and, in my opinion, is the only game ever made without a single flaw. This is accompanied with a classic TV series that holds special place in my cold, un-beating, dead stone of a heart. OK, the films and Pokemon Diamond/Pearl sucked more than the vacuum cleaner made of collapsed stars, but the franchise is solid… but no one’s willing to make the game we really want.
I know I’m probably cheating with this one. After all, it’s Game Freak that makes the games, but surely someone at Nintendo would’ve said to them “Say, I have an idea.” I suspect that they actually have thought of it, but didn’t make it. After all, Japanese parents would never feed their children again, nobody would go to work, the entire infrastructure of the country would collapse, all because the collective population are too busy trying to catch Raikou to do anything. And Nintendo aren’t the best choice for an online game, what with the whole “Hi, my name is 03860386579679384639, let’s play online” Friend Code thing, but surely a PC game would work. Come on, Nintendo. Game Freak. Make it. Now.
Number 3 – The repeated butt-fucking of Donkey Kong and Metroid
You better believe that I fucking love Donkey Kong and Metroid. The Donkey Kong Country trilogy isn’t one of the best platforming trilogies out there. It IS the best platforming trilogy out there. Sonic 2 and 3 are great, but the original Sonic game sucked balls. I don’t think that the original Super Mario Bros is a good game, and it certainly hasn’t aged well at all, and while I’m on the subject, Super Mario Bros 2 is WAY better than 3. SUCK. IT!
And now? Oh, whoop di doo. I can’t wait to play Donkey Konga 11, with its two-button-controller and bongo renditions of Wild Thing. What a great party game. As soon as you mention it, everyone leaves. Perfect for when the party’s been going on for too long.
As for Metroid, we get one of the NES’s best and most beloved and then Nintendo sits down with their fingers in their ears and their tongues tightly wrapped around The Legend of Zelda. I know Metroid wasn’t that big in Japan, but you could’ve noticed that somebody in the outside world liked your games. And then instead of giving us a good Metroid game after five FUCKING years, you shit in a GameBoy Cartridge and give us Metroid 2, a game that looked like a ZX Spectrum somebody wiped their arse with, which considering the quality I wouldn’t be blown away.
And then Super Metroid came out, and it widely considered the best game on the Super Nintendo and even one of the great games ever made. Even though it once again bombed in Japan, it sold in the US and the PAL regions like chocolate cakes coated with jelly babies, Smarties and opium, and words such as ‘best game on the Super Nintendo’ carry weight. Then we waited for, get this; 2002, which is eight years later.
EIGHT YEARS LATER!!!
OK, two Metroid games in one year is tooty-fruity, but one was a third party game. Apparently, this is actually a good thing with Metroid Prime becoming one of the best games ever made. I don’t know, I didn’t play it, but shut up, I’m sexy. Then there’s the new game, Other M. Loads of people are shouting and bawling over how this will be the greatest thing since sliced bread, the wheel and sex combined, but I’m not so sure. A) it’s on the Wii, more on that later. B) Do you know who Nintendo got to make it? Team Ninja. Now what else did they make…
Nice going, Nintendo. Good on you for putting them in charge of one of the strongest female protagonists in gaming and sci-fi.
Number 2 – Super Mario Brothers 3 World 64 Sunshine Galaxy Brothers Wii
It’s an odd trend. Films don’t have franchises, but all other media does. Look at the Famous Five. 21 books! 21! And how about television. Star Trek, including the spinoffs The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager and Enterprise, has shown 727 episodes in 30 series. Gaming has big franchises too, and Nintendo is the most shameless.
There are over a hundred Mario games. Mario! The guy’s a fat plumber who dicks about in a land inhabited by mushroom men trying to save a princess from a dragon. How did Nintendo get a hundred games out of that? Answer is, they didn’t. When you break it right down, there are really only about five types of Mario game. The 2D Platformer, the 3D Platformer, Mario Kart, the RPG and Mario Party. Oh, good games. I love Mario games, but why Mario? Why not a completely new character, like a shrimp in a moustache, or a beret wearing oven.
And then there are the revisits. Oh, the revisits. This is why official Mario games don’t have level editors, it’s so Miyamoto can squeeze a few shameless coins out of our hands. New Super Mario Bros Wii is a retro gamer’s dream, but I don’t get retro gaming. I get retro games, sure, but for some reason retro gamers confuse me.
“Oh, the industry isn’t anything like the good old days on the ZX Spectrum!”
Then why not just play on the ZX Spectrum? You can like old games; the new Pokemon game won’t render all the others meaningless. Your progress won’t be wiped, nor you’re your Sega Mega Drive explode. It’s still there. Mario games are just made because no one can think of anything else. It’s just pulling money out of old fools who think that Mega Man 49 will be better than it would’ve been if it weren’t 8-bit. Besides, Super Mario Flash already has a level editor. There are plenty of online Mario games that do, so Nintendo can’t really make a new 2D Mario game without it being inferior to what the player has made themselves. Just stick to 3D, mate.
In my games, there are three difficulty settings. Hard, Expert and Bear Grylls.
Though, on a side tangent, I will defend Mario by saying this. At least he dabbles in other genres, Link. Come on, Zelda, can you do nothing else but get kidnapped by the same pig man only to be saved by the same tranny for the 20th time. Pokemon is shameless with its ‘change the name and re-sell it’ policy, but at least there’s a safari sim! This is stuff I expect from EA, not Nintendo! A smaller company would be forgiven for reusing ideas, but Nintendo’s the biggest in the world. They can afford a big bomb, and now you’ve taken Mario into space again, where now? I hate to say that this is killing the industry like all the fourteen year old homophobic racists on Xbox Live who consider Turok the GRATEST GAME EVAR, but frankly they’re on to something. Progress happens for a reason, yet neither your fans nor you seem to want to notice. You’ll run out of places to take Mario sooner than later Nintendo, so you will NEED to make new games. So why not now?
Number 1 – The fucking Wii
Yep. You saw this one coming.
The Nintendo Wii has become one of the most popular gaming consoles of all time, and what a shame it is. I knew Sturgeon’s Law of 90% of everyone in the world being wrong, but sweet dibby is the Wii a blight on the landscape. This isn’t because it’s bringing grandma and baby into gaming. I’d rather play Halo alone, in the dark as I crouch on the bed slowly dying emotionally, but if it’s a must then fine, I’ve got two remotes for the PS2 for a reason. Sesame Street taught us that the best things in life are shared, so I’ll roll with it. No, it’s the hardware, the emphasis on party games, the complete lack of third party quality control and worst of all, the fucking aggravating “WAGGLE THE WII TO SLAP THE SEAL” bullshit.
OK, let’s start with the hardware. 88MB of memory. There, I’ve explained just how behind Nintendo are. The Xbox 360 has 528 and that came out earlier. This wouldn’t be a problem, IF IT WEREN’T FOR THE LACK OF EXTERNAL MEMORY!!! No memory cards? No hard drives? Nothing? There’s no excuse for it, Nintendo! You’ve made worse hardware than Microsoft.
WORSE HARDWARE THAN MICROSOFT!!! ARGH!
Then there are the games. I’m not going to go into the third party developers, but let’s face it, Nintendo have officially stopped caring. Name a good third party developed exclusive on the Wii, please. Sorry, I can’t hear you. Remember Anubis 2? Damn right you did, so I’m right and you’re wrong. But the Wii Waggling. It’s murder. I know what Nintendo and third-party-developers are thinking. When I buy a toaster, I make toaster. When I’m offered motion control, my first instinct is to use it. But WHY? WHY? There’s no need in a fucking Platformer! It’s just going to irritate people. Oh, and first person shooters? I see why you thought it’d be a good idea, but what happened with ‘The Conduit’? Red Steel? What happened? Please name me a game where the motion control wasn’t a hindrance? Super Smash Brothers Brawl, Super Mario Galaxy, Zack and Wiki, all good games, all ruined by the Wii.
And here’s the killer. The real murderer. Party games. Most are functional games. Note the word functional, but whatever. Here’s the problem with Wii party games. They are competing with Guitar Hero and Dance Dance Revolution. Now, Mario Party 8 may be good, but what would you rather do at a party? Throw your arms around like a massive gonk or rock out on stage with Carlos Santana?The Wii is officially a pointless console. Let it rot.
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