Sponge Culture Reviews
Rob Stoakes Reviews
THE RETURN OF JAFAR
1994
TAD STONES
WALT DISNEY HOME VIDEO
Prologue
Pfffft! BAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!
So, Disney, you made Lion King, a film that is widely considered to be one of the greatest animated films of all time, one of the greatest family films of all time, one of the greatest films of the 90’s, and this is what you follow it up with? A film so bad, Robin Williams turned it down? ROBIN WILLIAMS! He was in Ferngully of all things! No wonder it was direct-to-video, even you thought it was horrible! Disney thought this was too bad for cinemas! For the record, The Black Cauldron, Tarzan and frigging Lilo and Stitch all were released in cinemas. And this film was the one you said ‘no, the world does not need this’ when you released Brother Bear?
Yes, it’s pretty easy to rag on Disney sequels, but actually, they have potential for greatness. Rescuer’s Down Under wasn’t just as good as the original, it was way better. And Lion King 2 was pretty good… it certainly wasn’t as good as Lion King, but to be fair, it’s like putting George Formby in the boxing ring against George Foreman. And besides, at the time, nobody knew to stay away when the words ‘Disney sequel’ showed up, and a lot of people like the original Aladdin. I won’t say it was my favourite, however. I thought it was kind of stupid, but I was somewhat entertained, I could do a lot worse, and it certainly wasn’t bad. Besides, picking between Aladdin and any other Robin Williams film… actually, I’d go for the incredibly silly and incredibly interesting Hook, but that’s beside the point. So plenty watched, and plenty suffered. And now, we will continue this ritual, by watching The Return of Jafar and experiencing a pain not unlike castrating yourself with a corkscrew while blindfolded.
Plot
So our story begins with the classic song Arabian Knights, though after the lyrics have been changed, and instead of the original singer it’s sung by a warbling vulture choking on lemonade. During this torture, we watch some men with absurd facial hair and chins (compared to the original Aladdin, that’s saying something) ride through the night. These are robbers who have just stolen from… somewhere. They make it quite clear that they hate their bumbling and greedy leader, who decides that he gets a bigger share. However, a treasure chest they stole seems to move by itself, until they find that it’s… Aboo! Aladdin’s monkey! And here’s Aladdin himself, looking rather shabby despite becoming a prince in the last film. Him and the robbers have a standard duel, with Aladdin taking the loot for himself and beating the robbers senseless, probably breaking their bones after dropping them eighty foot onto sharp objects as he rides away with a dementedly evil expression on his face. What a hero!
We cut to see Iago, Jafar’s parrot, dig Jafar out of the sand. Just to recap, Jafar’s a genie stuck in a lamp now, and he demands that Iago release him. They get in an argument, which results in Iago turning on Jafar and dropping him into a well. Why he didn’t just let Jafar go them remind him of the whole ‘three wishes’ business and just ask for a load of shit before dropping him into a well makes no sense, but Iago has never been the smartest of God’s creatures. Oh, and he sings a dreadful song about the fact that he’s going to look out for himself and have no friends and whatever.
Aladdin flies over Agrabar, throwing his money all over the place to show just how selfless and kind and whatever else he is, though keeping the most valuable item to give to a heavily mutated Jasmine. Honestly, look it up. Her head is shaped like a squashed olive, her neck is the size of her toothpick and the artists have forgotten how to draw shoulders. Or hips. Or muscle definition. Or legs, or eyes, or indeed any body part other than her ridiculous cleavage. I didn’t know cleavages carried on past the skin and onto the clothes. She also sounds as if she’s twelve for some reason.
So, we once again cut back to Iago. MOVIE! CHOOSE A SCENE AND FOCUS ON IT! And, now we go back to Aladdin, then to Iago in the span of a minute. Stop! STOP! Anyway, Iago has the idea of befriending Aladdin and everyone else before tricking them and taking control of Agrabar himself, because everyone will be inclined to obeying a parrot. Of course, Aladdin says ‘bitch, get o’er ‘ere and get yourself a bitch slap!’ and they end up meeting the robbers from before, and there’s a fight scene where Aladdin attempts to fight off several guys with sharpened steel scimitars with a wooden stick he picked off the ground. I can see this ending well.
Rob Stoakes Reviews
THE RETURN OF JAFAR
1994
TAD STONES
WALT DISNEY HOME VIDEO
Prologue
Pfffft! BAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!
So, Disney, you made Lion King, a film that is widely considered to be one of the greatest animated films of all time, one of the greatest family films of all time, one of the greatest films of the 90’s, and this is what you follow it up with? A film so bad, Robin Williams turned it down? ROBIN WILLIAMS! He was in Ferngully of all things! No wonder it was direct-to-video, even you thought it was horrible! Disney thought this was too bad for cinemas! For the record, The Black Cauldron, Tarzan and frigging Lilo and Stitch all were released in cinemas. And this film was the one you said ‘no, the world does not need this’ when you released Brother Bear?
Yes, it’s pretty easy to rag on Disney sequels, but actually, they have potential for greatness. Rescuer’s Down Under wasn’t just as good as the original, it was way better. And Lion King 2 was pretty good… it certainly wasn’t as good as Lion King, but to be fair, it’s like putting George Formby in the boxing ring against George Foreman. And besides, at the time, nobody knew to stay away when the words ‘Disney sequel’ showed up, and a lot of people like the original Aladdin. I won’t say it was my favourite, however. I thought it was kind of stupid, but I was somewhat entertained, I could do a lot worse, and it certainly wasn’t bad. Besides, picking between Aladdin and any other Robin Williams film… actually, I’d go for the incredibly silly and incredibly interesting Hook, but that’s beside the point. So plenty watched, and plenty suffered. And now, we will continue this ritual, by watching The Return of Jafar and experiencing a pain not unlike castrating yourself with a corkscrew while blindfolded.
Plot
So our story begins with the classic song Arabian Knights, though after the lyrics have been changed, and instead of the original singer it’s sung by a warbling vulture choking on lemonade. During this torture, we watch some men with absurd facial hair and chins (compared to the original Aladdin, that’s saying something) ride through the night. These are robbers who have just stolen from… somewhere. They make it quite clear that they hate their bumbling and greedy leader, who decides that he gets a bigger share. However, a treasure chest they stole seems to move by itself, until they find that it’s… Aboo! Aladdin’s monkey! And here’s Aladdin himself, looking rather shabby despite becoming a prince in the last film. Him and the robbers have a standard duel, with Aladdin taking the loot for himself and beating the robbers senseless, probably breaking their bones after dropping them eighty foot onto sharp objects as he rides away with a dementedly evil expression on his face. What a hero!
We cut to see Iago, Jafar’s parrot, dig Jafar out of the sand. Just to recap, Jafar’s a genie stuck in a lamp now, and he demands that Iago release him. They get in an argument, which results in Iago turning on Jafar and dropping him into a well. Why he didn’t just let Jafar go them remind him of the whole ‘three wishes’ business and just ask for a load of shit before dropping him into a well makes no sense, but Iago has never been the smartest of God’s creatures. Oh, and he sings a dreadful song about the fact that he’s going to look out for himself and have no friends and whatever.
Aladdin flies over Agrabar, throwing his money all over the place to show just how selfless and kind and whatever else he is, though keeping the most valuable item to give to a heavily mutated Jasmine. Honestly, look it up. Her head is shaped like a squashed olive, her neck is the size of her toothpick and the artists have forgotten how to draw shoulders. Or hips. Or muscle definition. Or legs, or eyes, or indeed any body part other than her ridiculous cleavage. I didn’t know cleavages carried on past the skin and onto the clothes. She also sounds as if she’s twelve for some reason.
So, we once again cut back to Iago. MOVIE! CHOOSE A SCENE AND FOCUS ON IT! And, now we go back to Aladdin, then to Iago in the span of a minute. Stop! STOP! Anyway, Iago has the idea of befriending Aladdin and everyone else before tricking them and taking control of Agrabar himself, because everyone will be inclined to obeying a parrot. Of course, Aladdin says ‘bitch, get o’er ‘ere and get yourself a bitch slap!’ and they end up meeting the robbers from before, and there’s a fight scene where Aladdin attempts to fight off several guys with sharpened steel scimitars with a wooden stick he picked off the ground. I can see this ending well.
Things look bad for Aladdin, until Iago saves him from the robbers, and we discover that the robber leader’s name is ‘Abis Mal’ which is an accurate description of this movie. Aladdin rewards Iago’s selflessness by locking him up in a bird cage and saying that he’ll get a proper hearing, like any other criminal would. Aladdin! Saviour of the innocent! The diamond in the rough! An ungrateful little shit who rewards selflessness with imprisonment! OUR HERO!
Aladdin decides for some reason not to tell Jasmine that he’s found Iago for, some, reason? Of course, leading to the farce scene you’ve seen in every single film ever made. Jasmine immediately suspects something, but is interrupted by Homer Simpson, I mean Genie. He acts like… well, like he did in the first film, presenting pop culture references that wouldn’t exist in Medieval Persia, BECAUSE IT WAS SO FUCKING FUNNY IN THE FIRST FILM HA HA HA HA HA HA! This time, they actually manage to sum just about everything you could think of in one song sequence. That won’t top him from carrying this bullshit throughout the rest of the film. Anyway, they all decide to go to the dinner, except Aboo, who has to guard Iago. I SEE HIJINKS A COMING!
We aren’t even at the 15 minute mark and I already want to die.
Anyway, Abis Mal comes across Jafar’s lamp. Jafar tricks Abis Mal into wasting two of his wishes, and tells him that he wants revenge on Aladdin. Abis Mal wants revenge too, but Jafar stops him, saying that they can’t just kill Aladdin because he’s a genie, but instead make him suffer. Why Abis Mal doesn’t just say ‘I wish that Aladdin experiences crushing despair and misfortune from now until his measly, pathetic life ends’ will always escape me, but it seems Jafar and Abis Mal aren’t too clever either.
But we have no time for story, we have more of Earthworm Jim’s, I mean, Genie’s antics. Wooo! Look at him go! Oh Genie, we’ll never grow tired of you. Anyway, Aladdin becomes the Royal Vizier, or adviser, because if Aladdin has shown anything, he’s shown that he’s trustworthy, despite lying about being a prince, lying about not knowing where Iago is and lying about where he got the Jewelled Flower he gave Jasmine, but hey, baby steps.
Back to Iago and PICK A SCENE AND FOCUS ON IT!!! … Aboo lets Iago out of the cage, only to allow that tiger to try and eat him. This causes in Iago being discovered and Aladdin has to explain. Rather than give the real reason (He saved my life) he makes one up (he was tricked by Jafar into being evil). Why he doesn’t just say the real reason, seeing as it’ll probably go down better, escapes me. I guess everyone’s been hit with the stupid stick today. So, Iago is nearly killed and everyone hates Aladdin for being a lying dick-weasel. Truly, he is a worthy Royal Vizier! Aladdin begins moaning to Genie about ‘whenever I try to do good, it always goes wrong, waa waa waa’ because lying to everybody makes you a fucking Paragon of justice, right?
Iago ponders about whether he owes Aladdin for saving his hide, without considering that he saved Aladdin’s life so they’re technically square. Genie goads him on, trying to convince Iago to do good by telling him it will be a challenge. Fuelled on, Iago decides to help Aladdin and Jasmine by making things better, by first singing to Jasmine, telling that he’s a lying dick, which is a strange course of action, and Iago is obviously wrong because… wait, it isn’t. Why are we supposed to be siding with Aladdin again? He’s a compulsive liar, even when he doesn’t need to. Anyway, instead of making Aladdin and Jasmine hate each other, for some reason Iago stating the facts makes… it… all… better? Sorry, why? Imagine if Romeo and Juliet worked like that?
“Juliet, Romeo stabbed Tybalt!”
“Oh, I still love him for unexplained reasons…”
Oh, wait, that actually did happen. Even in Shakespeare, true love is unrelentingly stupid.
Aladdin decides for some reason not to tell Jasmine that he’s found Iago for, some, reason? Of course, leading to the farce scene you’ve seen in every single film ever made. Jasmine immediately suspects something, but is interrupted by Homer Simpson, I mean Genie. He acts like… well, like he did in the first film, presenting pop culture references that wouldn’t exist in Medieval Persia, BECAUSE IT WAS SO FUCKING FUNNY IN THE FIRST FILM HA HA HA HA HA HA! This time, they actually manage to sum just about everything you could think of in one song sequence. That won’t top him from carrying this bullshit throughout the rest of the film. Anyway, they all decide to go to the dinner, except Aboo, who has to guard Iago. I SEE HIJINKS A COMING!
We aren’t even at the 15 minute mark and I already want to die.
Anyway, Abis Mal comes across Jafar’s lamp. Jafar tricks Abis Mal into wasting two of his wishes, and tells him that he wants revenge on Aladdin. Abis Mal wants revenge too, but Jafar stops him, saying that they can’t just kill Aladdin because he’s a genie, but instead make him suffer. Why Abis Mal doesn’t just say ‘I wish that Aladdin experiences crushing despair and misfortune from now until his measly, pathetic life ends’ will always escape me, but it seems Jafar and Abis Mal aren’t too clever either.
But we have no time for story, we have more of Earthworm Jim’s, I mean, Genie’s antics. Wooo! Look at him go! Oh Genie, we’ll never grow tired of you. Anyway, Aladdin becomes the Royal Vizier, or adviser, because if Aladdin has shown anything, he’s shown that he’s trustworthy, despite lying about being a prince, lying about not knowing where Iago is and lying about where he got the Jewelled Flower he gave Jasmine, but hey, baby steps.
Back to Iago and PICK A SCENE AND FOCUS ON IT!!! … Aboo lets Iago out of the cage, only to allow that tiger to try and eat him. This causes in Iago being discovered and Aladdin has to explain. Rather than give the real reason (He saved my life) he makes one up (he was tricked by Jafar into being evil). Why he doesn’t just say the real reason, seeing as it’ll probably go down better, escapes me. I guess everyone’s been hit with the stupid stick today. So, Iago is nearly killed and everyone hates Aladdin for being a lying dick-weasel. Truly, he is a worthy Royal Vizier! Aladdin begins moaning to Genie about ‘whenever I try to do good, it always goes wrong, waa waa waa’ because lying to everybody makes you a fucking Paragon of justice, right?
Iago ponders about whether he owes Aladdin for saving his hide, without considering that he saved Aladdin’s life so they’re technically square. Genie goads him on, trying to convince Iago to do good by telling him it will be a challenge. Fuelled on, Iago decides to help Aladdin and Jasmine by making things better, by first singing to Jasmine, telling that he’s a lying dick, which is a strange course of action, and Iago is obviously wrong because… wait, it isn’t. Why are we supposed to be siding with Aladdin again? He’s a compulsive liar, even when he doesn’t need to. Anyway, instead of making Aladdin and Jasmine hate each other, for some reason Iago stating the facts makes… it… all… better? Sorry, why? Imagine if Romeo and Juliet worked like that?
“Juliet, Romeo stabbed Tybalt!”
“Oh, I still love him for unexplained reasons…”
Oh, wait, that actually did happen. Even in Shakespeare, true love is unrelentingly stupid.
So why is Aboo wearing a skirt?
So, Abis Mal and Jafar break into the palace, and they watch from afar as Aladdin, who has changed back into his street-rat clothes for whatever reason, and Jasmine have a romantic moment. However, villainy is afoot, for Jafar reveals that Iago will help him destroy Aladdin! MWUH HA HA HA wait, Iago doesn’t work for you anymore. Anyway, the romantic moment is interrupted by Genie’s HIGH-larious antics. Oh Genie, your humour is timeless.
Anyway, Iago’s enjoying the profits of being a good guy, talking to himself for some reason about how he’ll simply wait for Aladdin to become Sultan, then become Vizier, then his evil plan to wait until HE gets the throne will commence! AH HA HA HA wait, your lifespan isn’t as long as Aladdin’s. Anyway, Jafar comes along and tells Iago to lead Aladdin into a trap. Iago tries to warn Aladdin, but is interrupted by more of Genie’s HIIII-larious antics. AAAAAAH HA HA HAA HAAAA!!! Oh, you lovable rapscallion.
Anyway, Iago gets Aladdin to take the Sultan away from the palace, where Jafar attacks the Robot Devil, I mean Genie, and Aboo, but not AFTER SINGING A SONG! WOOO! I love my films to have more songs than actors.
Abis Mal, meanwhile, makes himself busy with capturing the Sultan. Aladdin puts two and two together and realises that Iago is a bad guy. Well, maybe you shouldn’t have locked him up, you massive gonk! He gives chase, but is batted away easily, with the carpet being captured. Aladdin gets back to the palace, only to be imprisoned for the murder of the Sultan. The evidence? A slashed up turban and a knife! Of course! The perfect evidence! I mean, there’s neither a body nor any evidence of Aladdin killing him if the Sultan actually was murdered, but dammit, we have a torn-up hat! THAT IS ALL WE NEED! I mean, I know detectives back then weren’t great, but surely they could’ve guessed that if somebody murdered the Sultan and took the body, he wouldn’t have left the hat as well.
Later, Aladdin is taken to be executed on the platform where the White Tree of Gondor used to be, but Iago releases the postman from Olive the Other Reindeer, I mean Genie, who in turn releases everybody else. Ten minutes of them being captured is immediately resolved. WHOOP DI BLOODY DOO, CAN THIS MOVIE BE OVER, PLEASE?
So, Iago and the others part ways because, um, Samus is a chick? Aladdin, Jasmine, Genie, the Sultan, Aboo and the Carpet reason that if they destroy the lamp, they destroy Jafar. Why they can’t just use Jafar to make three wishes is beyond me, but once again, the stupid stick is having a field day. So Abis Mal and Jafar are now in charge of the world, and Jafar asks Abis Mal to use his third wish to free him, but Abis Mal suddenly gains four points of wisdom by simply milking this opportunity for all its worth, demanding Jafar gives him more stuff until he makes his wish. Then Aladdin and company attempt to take the lamp and Jafar sends the lamp flying into the garden. Now it’s a race to the lamp, but seeing as Jafar can’t actually kill them due to being a genie, and nobody will kill them for him, it’s more a matter of simply impeding their progress for a while and staving off the inevitable, so there’s no real tension. And even if there was, you know Iago’s coming back in three, two, one…
So, Abis Mal and Jafar break into the palace, and they watch from afar as Aladdin, who has changed back into his street-rat clothes for whatever reason, and Jasmine have a romantic moment. However, villainy is afoot, for Jafar reveals that Iago will help him destroy Aladdin! MWUH HA HA HA wait, Iago doesn’t work for you anymore. Anyway, the romantic moment is interrupted by Genie’s HIGH-larious antics. Oh Genie, your humour is timeless.
Anyway, Iago’s enjoying the profits of being a good guy, talking to himself for some reason about how he’ll simply wait for Aladdin to become Sultan, then become Vizier, then his evil plan to wait until HE gets the throne will commence! AH HA HA HA wait, your lifespan isn’t as long as Aladdin’s. Anyway, Jafar comes along and tells Iago to lead Aladdin into a trap. Iago tries to warn Aladdin, but is interrupted by more of Genie’s HIIII-larious antics. AAAAAAH HA HA HAA HAAAA!!! Oh, you lovable rapscallion.
Anyway, Iago gets Aladdin to take the Sultan away from the palace, where Jafar attacks the Robot Devil, I mean Genie, and Aboo, but not AFTER SINGING A SONG! WOOO! I love my films to have more songs than actors.
Abis Mal, meanwhile, makes himself busy with capturing the Sultan. Aladdin puts two and two together and realises that Iago is a bad guy. Well, maybe you shouldn’t have locked him up, you massive gonk! He gives chase, but is batted away easily, with the carpet being captured. Aladdin gets back to the palace, only to be imprisoned for the murder of the Sultan. The evidence? A slashed up turban and a knife! Of course! The perfect evidence! I mean, there’s neither a body nor any evidence of Aladdin killing him if the Sultan actually was murdered, but dammit, we have a torn-up hat! THAT IS ALL WE NEED! I mean, I know detectives back then weren’t great, but surely they could’ve guessed that if somebody murdered the Sultan and took the body, he wouldn’t have left the hat as well.
Later, Aladdin is taken to be executed on the platform where the White Tree of Gondor used to be, but Iago releases the postman from Olive the Other Reindeer, I mean Genie, who in turn releases everybody else. Ten minutes of them being captured is immediately resolved. WHOOP DI BLOODY DOO, CAN THIS MOVIE BE OVER, PLEASE?
So, Iago and the others part ways because, um, Samus is a chick? Aladdin, Jasmine, Genie, the Sultan, Aboo and the Carpet reason that if they destroy the lamp, they destroy Jafar. Why they can’t just use Jafar to make three wishes is beyond me, but once again, the stupid stick is having a field day. So Abis Mal and Jafar are now in charge of the world, and Jafar asks Abis Mal to use his third wish to free him, but Abis Mal suddenly gains four points of wisdom by simply milking this opportunity for all its worth, demanding Jafar gives him more stuff until he makes his wish. Then Aladdin and company attempt to take the lamp and Jafar sends the lamp flying into the garden. Now it’s a race to the lamp, but seeing as Jafar can’t actually kill them due to being a genie, and nobody will kill them for him, it’s more a matter of simply impeding their progress for a while and staving off the inevitable, so there’s no real tension. And even if there was, you know Iago’s coming back in three, two, one…
Our courageous hero?
Oh, wow, Iago’s here. What a surprise. Though he does get zapped once, taking the tension up an incredibly tiny and insignificant notch. So the lamp is destroyed and everyone is saved from the thing that couldn’t kill them anyway and the film ends, along with my life as I hung myself around the halfway mark in sheer despair.
Acting/Characters
The acting in this film is boring. Not really too much to say, with most of the actors from the first Aladdin reprising their roles with little change. Aladdin is still played as a good-hearted if a little dim hero, Jasmine awkwardly shifting from cynical spiteful bitch to doe-eyed love-pillow and Gilbert Gottfried’s squawking squealing Iago finding new ways to rape my eardrums harshly. Then there’s Dan Castellaneta as the Genie. He’s what is often used as the whacking stick to beat this film with, and surprisingly I’ll take the film’s side, because Dan Castellaneta does a good job. I’d say a better job than Robin Williams, in fact. Sure, Robin Williams was manic and got pretty much all the jokes, but he was ANNOYING AS! Castellaneta isn’t quite as fasted paced or as loud, not like William’s kangaroo on amphetamines approach, but he certainly didn’t make me want to lynch myself.
As for the characters the actors play, that’s not so forgivable. Firstly, Aladdin isn’t a heroic character, a lying cheating scumbag who has a complete disregard for anybody’s life that isn’t directly tied to his own. Secondly, the other characters are as indistinct as a muddy blob at Glastonbury Festival. They do nothing, say nothing and contribute nothing important besides Jafar, who in all honesty has about ten minutes at best in this film. And thirdly, and the biggest dick move of all, why is Iago the main character? He gets more screen time than anybody else, does more and ultimately saves the day. But, the thing is, HE’S THE VILLAIN’S LACKEY! That’s what he was always meant to be, the comic relief. Why is he suddenly the main focus of the story? I’m all for changing the formula, but Iago? If Ridley Scott decided ‘right, I’m going to make Bladerunner 2, and the main character will be Pris, Roy Batty’s lackey’ we’d think that he had gone insane, and here we are with Disney pooping this concept awkwardly into our laps. Please kill me.
Animation
As I mentioned earlier, the character designs aren’t particularly astounding. Proportion seems to be a recurring problem, for a start. It seems Aladdin is the only person in the word with shoulders, everyone else just having their arms jut out of their chest awkwardly. But the colours… oh, boy, the colours… this film might have one of the most putrid colour schemes in a Disney film. Firstly, there’s a strange absence of shadows. It looks like a colouring book more than a feature length movie, with only block colours that are often reused in other places. For example, when near bright light, instead of the character’s shadows being made smaller but darker and having everything else made brighter, the character will turn red and yellow. I’m dead fucking serious, the characters are made of glass and paper in this film.
Oh, wow, Iago’s here. What a surprise. Though he does get zapped once, taking the tension up an incredibly tiny and insignificant notch. So the lamp is destroyed and everyone is saved from the thing that couldn’t kill them anyway and the film ends, along with my life as I hung myself around the halfway mark in sheer despair.
Acting/Characters
The acting in this film is boring. Not really too much to say, with most of the actors from the first Aladdin reprising their roles with little change. Aladdin is still played as a good-hearted if a little dim hero, Jasmine awkwardly shifting from cynical spiteful bitch to doe-eyed love-pillow and Gilbert Gottfried’s squawking squealing Iago finding new ways to rape my eardrums harshly. Then there’s Dan Castellaneta as the Genie. He’s what is often used as the whacking stick to beat this film with, and surprisingly I’ll take the film’s side, because Dan Castellaneta does a good job. I’d say a better job than Robin Williams, in fact. Sure, Robin Williams was manic and got pretty much all the jokes, but he was ANNOYING AS! Castellaneta isn’t quite as fasted paced or as loud, not like William’s kangaroo on amphetamines approach, but he certainly didn’t make me want to lynch myself.
As for the characters the actors play, that’s not so forgivable. Firstly, Aladdin isn’t a heroic character, a lying cheating scumbag who has a complete disregard for anybody’s life that isn’t directly tied to his own. Secondly, the other characters are as indistinct as a muddy blob at Glastonbury Festival. They do nothing, say nothing and contribute nothing important besides Jafar, who in all honesty has about ten minutes at best in this film. And thirdly, and the biggest dick move of all, why is Iago the main character? He gets more screen time than anybody else, does more and ultimately saves the day. But, the thing is, HE’S THE VILLAIN’S LACKEY! That’s what he was always meant to be, the comic relief. Why is he suddenly the main focus of the story? I’m all for changing the formula, but Iago? If Ridley Scott decided ‘right, I’m going to make Bladerunner 2, and the main character will be Pris, Roy Batty’s lackey’ we’d think that he had gone insane, and here we are with Disney pooping this concept awkwardly into our laps. Please kill me.
Animation
As I mentioned earlier, the character designs aren’t particularly astounding. Proportion seems to be a recurring problem, for a start. It seems Aladdin is the only person in the word with shoulders, everyone else just having their arms jut out of their chest awkwardly. But the colours… oh, boy, the colours… this film might have one of the most putrid colour schemes in a Disney film. Firstly, there’s a strange absence of shadows. It looks like a colouring book more than a feature length movie, with only block colours that are often reused in other places. For example, when near bright light, instead of the character’s shadows being made smaller but darker and having everything else made brighter, the character will turn red and yellow. I’m dead fucking serious, the characters are made of glass and paper in this film.
And as for the animation itself, well, there’s not a great deal OF it. It’s not quite on the level of PowerPoint presentations, but it’s not too much better. The animation applies to the focus of the scene and ONLY the focus of the scene. Anyone in a shot who’s in the background or sometimes simply not talking has a weird collective habit of suddenly being struck by rigor mortis, just standing blankly in the exact same position as they were before they finished their action, their eyes glazed, cold and dead, unaware of their surroundings, staring out into the void, like a rational human being after being forced to watch any anime. The animation itself is passable, though not quite on the usual level of Disney. More like one of their TV cartoons than a feature length film. A shit cartoon. Drawn by a drunken gibbon.
Final Word
Some might say this film is good for kids. These are the people who think that a diet consisting of knives is also good for kids. For the rest of us, this film will slowly melt your brain. The story is a shambling complicated mess, acting like a child with ADD on a sugar-high. The animation has about as much motion as a dead tortoise. The art is a disastrous amalgam of bizarre proportions, a complete lack of colour coordination and a desire to make the viewer vomit. It’s only real claims to fame are that Homer Simpson is in it and Square Enix stuck a level based on it in their god awful Kingdom Hearts series for reasons I will never understand. To be honest, this film spelt the format for Disney sequels, and I’d sooner recommend fellating a mechanic squid.
Final Word
Some might say this film is good for kids. These are the people who think that a diet consisting of knives is also good for kids. For the rest of us, this film will slowly melt your brain. The story is a shambling complicated mess, acting like a child with ADD on a sugar-high. The animation has about as much motion as a dead tortoise. The art is a disastrous amalgam of bizarre proportions, a complete lack of colour coordination and a desire to make the viewer vomit. It’s only real claims to fame are that Homer Simpson is in it and Square Enix stuck a level based on it in their god awful Kingdom Hearts series for reasons I will never understand. To be honest, this film spelt the format for Disney sequels, and I’d sooner recommend fellating a mechanic squid.
IT’S INDIAN SANTA CLAUS!!!
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