Sponge Culture Reviews
Rob Stoakes Reviews
Carry On Camping
1969
Gerald Thomas
The Rank Organisation
Prologue
British humour. What exactly is ‘British Humour’? Humour that originates in Britain? Obviously, but British Humour is also used to describe a genre of comedy. Obscure jokes about dead composers? Well, name one joke from The Young Ones that entailed this, and Fraiser’s an American show and it doesn’t stop them. Silly and surreal humour? Well, yes, Monty Python and the Goon Show are British, but Spongebob Squarepants and Arrested Development aren’t. Simply funny? Well, the snobbier Brit will say that no other country has ever been funny and every British comedy is genius, but then you watch Carry On Camping.
For those without the knowledge of British cinema’s longest lasting cancer, the Carry On films were a series of low budget comedy films lasting from the mid 1950’s to the late 70’s, with 31 films in the series. As you can imagine, this isn’t exactly a series known not to fester but it had a fairly clever device to avoid such stagnation. Rather than have a series of films with the same actors playing the same characters, the actors would play different characters in different situations. This tied into the fact that the place they were filming, Pinewood Studios, were filming a lot of different films during this period, so they’d just use the same sets and make a parody. For example, Carry On Cleo was a parody of Cleopatra which came out around about the same time, and Carry On Screaming was a parody of hammer horror films, lather rinse repeat. First problem; the actors would always play the same actors anyway. Second problem; Carry On Camping was set in a muddy field. Why? Well, let’s find out. Or rather, we don’t and instead I don’t have to watch this horrible, stupid mess.
Plot
So our film opens with a load of nude women running around.
Yep, we’re in a Carry On film all right.
No, this is a film about nudist camps which everyone in the audience is disgusted by, which begs the question as to why they decided to see it. Well, Sid James’ character isn’t, also called Sid, therefore making my job of remembering his name easier. He’s gone with his girlfriend Joan, played by Joan Sims, and his friend Bernie, played by, guess who, a guy named Bernard. Bernard Bresslaw, to be precise, who oddly enough will go on to star in Hawk the Slayer and Krull. A strange transition. Bernie’s brought his own girlfriend Anthea, who will do nothing, say nothing, and basically be nothing in his film. So the four of them are arguing about the fact that Sid and Bernie are pervs and Joan and Nobody are prudes. THIS SCENE CONTRIBUTES SO MUCH!!!
Now we meet Peter, a portly gentleman who quite clearly wants to go to somewhere sunny for holiday, like Monte Carlo, only to see that his wife is packing a load of camping gear. He’s a meek and weak-willed tub, who is bullied by his domineering wife. This actually starts to be quite creepy, as if it were the moment in the horror film were the murderer snaps. When they’re talking about how a goat ate its way into Peter’s tent and shat on him, his wife laughs a torturous laugh that makes me beg for Scratch from the Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog and mentions how they both had a good laugh, to which Peter says ‘Yes, you did, didn’t you.” In an insanely foreboding voice no less. And this isn’t the only time. He just is constantly about to snap, summon his unholy army and butcher the entire cast.
Rob Stoakes Reviews
Carry On Camping
1969
Gerald Thomas
The Rank Organisation
Prologue
British humour. What exactly is ‘British Humour’? Humour that originates in Britain? Obviously, but British Humour is also used to describe a genre of comedy. Obscure jokes about dead composers? Well, name one joke from The Young Ones that entailed this, and Fraiser’s an American show and it doesn’t stop them. Silly and surreal humour? Well, yes, Monty Python and the Goon Show are British, but Spongebob Squarepants and Arrested Development aren’t. Simply funny? Well, the snobbier Brit will say that no other country has ever been funny and every British comedy is genius, but then you watch Carry On Camping.
For those without the knowledge of British cinema’s longest lasting cancer, the Carry On films were a series of low budget comedy films lasting from the mid 1950’s to the late 70’s, with 31 films in the series. As you can imagine, this isn’t exactly a series known not to fester but it had a fairly clever device to avoid such stagnation. Rather than have a series of films with the same actors playing the same characters, the actors would play different characters in different situations. This tied into the fact that the place they were filming, Pinewood Studios, were filming a lot of different films during this period, so they’d just use the same sets and make a parody. For example, Carry On Cleo was a parody of Cleopatra which came out around about the same time, and Carry On Screaming was a parody of hammer horror films, lather rinse repeat. First problem; the actors would always play the same actors anyway. Second problem; Carry On Camping was set in a muddy field. Why? Well, let’s find out. Or rather, we don’t and instead I don’t have to watch this horrible, stupid mess.
Plot
So our film opens with a load of nude women running around.
Yep, we’re in a Carry On film all right.
No, this is a film about nudist camps which everyone in the audience is disgusted by, which begs the question as to why they decided to see it. Well, Sid James’ character isn’t, also called Sid, therefore making my job of remembering his name easier. He’s gone with his girlfriend Joan, played by Joan Sims, and his friend Bernie, played by, guess who, a guy named Bernard. Bernard Bresslaw, to be precise, who oddly enough will go on to star in Hawk the Slayer and Krull. A strange transition. Bernie’s brought his own girlfriend Anthea, who will do nothing, say nothing, and basically be nothing in his film. So the four of them are arguing about the fact that Sid and Bernie are pervs and Joan and Nobody are prudes. THIS SCENE CONTRIBUTES SO MUCH!!!
Now we meet Peter, a portly gentleman who quite clearly wants to go to somewhere sunny for holiday, like Monte Carlo, only to see that his wife is packing a load of camping gear. He’s a meek and weak-willed tub, who is bullied by his domineering wife. This actually starts to be quite creepy, as if it were the moment in the horror film were the murderer snaps. When they’re talking about how a goat ate its way into Peter’s tent and shat on him, his wife laughs a torturous laugh that makes me beg for Scratch from the Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog and mentions how they both had a good laugh, to which Peter says ‘Yes, you did, didn’t you.” In an insanely foreboding voice no less. And this isn’t the only time. He just is constantly about to snap, summon his unholy army and butcher the entire cast.
He also repeatedly talks about his day at work, lying to his oblivious wife. The film claims these are lies, with events involving strip clubs, opium, harems, but seeing as this is Satan we’re talking about, he’s obviously truthful in describing these hedonistic acts. His wife angers him with her insistence in going to a camp, so he tears up his Monte Carlo brochure, turns his wife into a goat and drains her of her blood.
Now we go to a camping shop, with Charles Hawtrey, the gawky glasses one, playing Charlie (surprise) a naïve first-time camper who wants to go camping but has never done it before. He is first seen in a tent with a young sexy shop assistant, and it’s quite clearly a misunderstanding, with jokes like “She was teaching me how to stick the pole up” being rampant, but all I can think of it Charles Hawtrey’s winky, which is as bad sights go is up there with an earthquake in New York, Margaret Thatcher in a cold shower and a day out in Hull. Sid and Bernie come in the shop, talking about how their girlfriends aren’t bonking them despite three months of dating (Sid, you look sixty, OF COURSE you aren’t getting bonked) and how they’ll take them to that nudist camp from earlier without telling them. Great idea! Because that’s how you win someone’s trust… lie to them, take them to a nudist camp and ask them to bonk you.
Now we cut to an all-girls school in the middle of a catfight between Barbara Windsor and some other bird, all wearing short skirts, before having an orgy with some builders.
Yep, we’re in a Carry On film all right.
This is inter-cut with the only two redeemable characters, even though they’re considered the stuffy kill-joys. The matron Miss Haggard, played by Hattie Jacques in the same damn role she always plays, and the always brilliant Kenneth Williams as, well, Kenneth Williams. A prudish, upper-class, incredibly gay yet incredibly straight at the same time and really not getting paid enough for this work. He and Miss Haggard have a genuinely funny scene, so of course it lasts less than a minute.
Then we cut to Satan and his wife setting off for the camping site on a tandem. Satan on a Tandem… that’s the name for an indie band if I’ve ever heard one.
Then we cut to Sid, Bernie, Joan and Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Review setting off for the camp as well. In the world’s smallest car…
Speaking of cars, Kenneth Williams, Miss Haggard and the girls of the school all go to the camp in the world’s largest bus. Well, it’s not a bus, more of an oil tanker. Barbara Windsor struts about in a swimsuit (?) much to the delight of Luke Skywalker.
Now we go to a camping shop, with Charles Hawtrey, the gawky glasses one, playing Charlie (surprise) a naïve first-time camper who wants to go camping but has never done it before. He is first seen in a tent with a young sexy shop assistant, and it’s quite clearly a misunderstanding, with jokes like “She was teaching me how to stick the pole up” being rampant, but all I can think of it Charles Hawtrey’s winky, which is as bad sights go is up there with an earthquake in New York, Margaret Thatcher in a cold shower and a day out in Hull. Sid and Bernie come in the shop, talking about how their girlfriends aren’t bonking them despite three months of dating (Sid, you look sixty, OF COURSE you aren’t getting bonked) and how they’ll take them to that nudist camp from earlier without telling them. Great idea! Because that’s how you win someone’s trust… lie to them, take them to a nudist camp and ask them to bonk you.
Now we cut to an all-girls school in the middle of a catfight between Barbara Windsor and some other bird, all wearing short skirts, before having an orgy with some builders.
Yep, we’re in a Carry On film all right.
This is inter-cut with the only two redeemable characters, even though they’re considered the stuffy kill-joys. The matron Miss Haggard, played by Hattie Jacques in the same damn role she always plays, and the always brilliant Kenneth Williams as, well, Kenneth Williams. A prudish, upper-class, incredibly gay yet incredibly straight at the same time and really not getting paid enough for this work. He and Miss Haggard have a genuinely funny scene, so of course it lasts less than a minute.
Then we cut to Satan and his wife setting off for the camping site on a tandem. Satan on a Tandem… that’s the name for an indie band if I’ve ever heard one.
Then we cut to Sid, Bernie, Joan and Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Review setting off for the camp as well. In the world’s smallest car…
Speaking of cars, Kenneth Williams, Miss Haggard and the girls of the school all go to the camp in the world’s largest bus. Well, it’s not a bus, more of an oil tanker. Barbara Windsor struts about in a swimsuit (?) much to the delight of Luke Skywalker.
The bawdiness is strong with you, but you are not a matron yet.
Now, I didn’t think that I’d ever compare a Carry On film to Little Mermaid 2, but like that sick, the plot just stops for the next forty five minutes. They all just try to get to the camp. Sid, Bernie, Joan and the Invisible Woman get there first, only to find out that it isn’t a nudist camp and that it’s just an expensive car park with more mud than Glastonbury Festival ran by a greedy farmer called A. Fiddler (because he’s who I want in charge of my money). The schoolgirls get there half an hour later with Charlie, stopping at a Youth Hostel for a few shenanigans, with Matron falling in love with Kenneth Williams who’s too busy repeatedly thwarting Luke Skywalker’s attempts to penetrate the ventilation shafts of any of the girls’ secret bases and use his Lightsabre to oh god now I’m doing it. They come just before Beelzebub and his wife, who were joined by Charlie, a character so inconsequential it’s actually funnier than any of his real jokes. Now we’re all here, something will happen, right?
Now, I didn’t think that I’d ever compare a Carry On film to Little Mermaid 2, but like that sick, the plot just stops for the next forty five minutes. They all just try to get to the camp. Sid, Bernie, Joan and the Invisible Woman get there first, only to find out that it isn’t a nudist camp and that it’s just an expensive car park with more mud than Glastonbury Festival ran by a greedy farmer called A. Fiddler (because he’s who I want in charge of my money). The schoolgirls get there half an hour later with Charlie, stopping at a Youth Hostel for a few shenanigans, with Matron falling in love with Kenneth Williams who’s too busy repeatedly thwarting Luke Skywalker’s attempts to penetrate the ventilation shafts of any of the girls’ secret bases and use his Lightsabre to oh god now I’m doing it. They come just before Beelzebub and his wife, who were joined by Charlie, a character so inconsequential it’s actually funnier than any of his real jokes. Now we’re all here, something will happen, right?
No, this is a Carry On film, remember. This has to be less eventful than any given Final Fantasy fanfic. All that does happen is that Sid and Bernie try to get off with Babs (Barbara Windsor’s character, are you surprised she’s called ‘Babs’?) and her friend and the Prince of Darkness wanders around being irate. Anything of note happening? NO! NO NO NO NO NO! THIS IS SO BORING! THIS IS A SHIT FILM! HELP ME! HELP ME! AAARRRGGGHHH!!!
So all the girls go to a monastery at the ten minutes to go point, with Sid, Bernie, Joan and Doctor Mysterious joining them. However, one of the girls doesn’t go, who is charmed by Lucifer’s black magic into taking him back to her tent in a scene I guess was put in at the actor’s request. Meanwhile, Sid disguises himself as a monk to get with Babs, who tells him that at nights out they’ll get out for a bit of bonking. OUR PROTAGONIST! A LYING CHEATING SCUMBAG! I think I’ve worked out the inspiration for Aladdin. This is done while Belial goes back to his wife and Charlie, who has been sleeping in their tent since they got here, and he destroys them both in a grand pit, carving pentagrams on their foreheads and burning them at the feet of his new wench in a blood ritual of the grandest of scales. Then Matron tries to get it on with Kenneth Williams despite his desperate pleadings not to.
It wouldn’t be funny if it was the other way around, would it?
On a tangent here, but I’m really fed up of this joke, where a woman decides that a man is desperate to bonk her while he says no, because, well, I’ve seen it too many times. This is pulled in a lot of films, and is generally considered funny. BECAUSE SEX WITH ONE ADULT NOT CONSENTING BECOMES FUNNY WHEN IT’S A BLOKE WHO DOESN’T WANT IT! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! HAAAAA! HAAAAAA! HAAAAAAAAAAA! Seriously, how is this actually funny? I mean, it’s not exactly a situation you can pull a lot of jokes out of, and it’s not even timed well. It’s just bizarre and out of place. I can’t actually think of any situation it WOULD be funny. It’s part of a whole domineering-wife joke which has been done too many times to be amusing anymore, and this is just a slightly racier version of that, and because this is a Carry On film, we can’t do without raciness. Somebody name me an instance this hasn’t been a tired, clichéd and derivative joke.
And yes, the thing I find the most annoying about a comedic rape scene is that I’ve seen it too many times. I’m a cold dead robot with a heart of obsidian. Pity me.
So, with five minutes to go before the end of the film, the main plot begins. That’s right. FIVE MINUTES UNTIL THE END!!! It turns out all the girls have gone to a concert in the field next door, and the band the Flowerbuds (I’m serious) are causing a bit of a racket. Actually, it’s more because the crowd is full of hippies, and this is late sixties British forty somethings being angry at essentially nothing, and all this sequence does is make me wish I was at a concert right now. So all the campers drive them away, by attaching them all to a string and pulling them on a tractor…
So all the girls go to a monastery at the ten minutes to go point, with Sid, Bernie, Joan and Doctor Mysterious joining them. However, one of the girls doesn’t go, who is charmed by Lucifer’s black magic into taking him back to her tent in a scene I guess was put in at the actor’s request. Meanwhile, Sid disguises himself as a monk to get with Babs, who tells him that at nights out they’ll get out for a bit of bonking. OUR PROTAGONIST! A LYING CHEATING SCUMBAG! I think I’ve worked out the inspiration for Aladdin. This is done while Belial goes back to his wife and Charlie, who has been sleeping in their tent since they got here, and he destroys them both in a grand pit, carving pentagrams on their foreheads and burning them at the feet of his new wench in a blood ritual of the grandest of scales. Then Matron tries to get it on with Kenneth Williams despite his desperate pleadings not to.
It wouldn’t be funny if it was the other way around, would it?
On a tangent here, but I’m really fed up of this joke, where a woman decides that a man is desperate to bonk her while he says no, because, well, I’ve seen it too many times. This is pulled in a lot of films, and is generally considered funny. BECAUSE SEX WITH ONE ADULT NOT CONSENTING BECOMES FUNNY WHEN IT’S A BLOKE WHO DOESN’T WANT IT! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! HAAAAA! HAAAAAA! HAAAAAAAAAAA! Seriously, how is this actually funny? I mean, it’s not exactly a situation you can pull a lot of jokes out of, and it’s not even timed well. It’s just bizarre and out of place. I can’t actually think of any situation it WOULD be funny. It’s part of a whole domineering-wife joke which has been done too many times to be amusing anymore, and this is just a slightly racier version of that, and because this is a Carry On film, we can’t do without raciness. Somebody name me an instance this hasn’t been a tired, clichéd and derivative joke.
And yes, the thing I find the most annoying about a comedic rape scene is that I’ve seen it too many times. I’m a cold dead robot with a heart of obsidian. Pity me.
So, with five minutes to go before the end of the film, the main plot begins. That’s right. FIVE MINUTES UNTIL THE END!!! It turns out all the girls have gone to a concert in the field next door, and the band the Flowerbuds (I’m serious) are causing a bit of a racket. Actually, it’s more because the crowd is full of hippies, and this is late sixties British forty somethings being angry at essentially nothing, and all this sequence does is make me wish I was at a concert right now. So all the campers drive them away, by attaching them all to a string and pulling them on a tractor…
… but the hippies have taken the girls with them. Oh no, whatever will we do without such developed and intricate characters? Kenneth Williams and Matron give chase, taking Baphomet’s tandem, but he fears not. He tells his wife; “We won’t need it in Monte Carlo. We’ll go on a ferry, with the camping gear, and dump it all over the side.’ His wife initially looks shocked, but then the devil gives her one look, and her mood changes. I would change my tune if confronted with the Antichrist. And Sid and Bernie admit to Joan and Miss Non-Existent 1969 that they were going to have a sexy party with the girls, and the punishment? They must have a sexy party with them instead! OF COURSE! IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE!
Acting/Characters
This is just about as close to being good as a Carry On film can be, because, in all fairness, everybody does an amazing job. Sid James is the Cockney pervert, Bernard Bresslaw is the big gullible idiot, Joan Sims is the disapproving eye-rolling nanny, Hattie James is the matron, Charles Hawtrey is meek and mild and Kenneth Williams is Kenneth Williams. And there’s a reason they’re so good at these parts. Do you want to know what that reason could possibly be? I’ll give you three guesses.
No.
Not that either.
That’s right. THEY’VE ALL PLAYED THESE CHARACTERS BEFORE!
Sid James isn’t a good Cockney pervert here. He’s ALWAYS a Cockney pervert. The entire cast is almost like an opposite to Timothy Dalton, because while Dalton stopped being Bond to avoid being type-cast, these guys have built their entire career on being typecast this film is SO STUPID!!! ARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!
Humour
What humour?
Well, have you ever seen a Carry On film? Congratulations are in order, for you can see into the future as to what this film classifies as humour. For those who haven’t, you are officially dead. However, if the picture below is any clue…
Acting/Characters
This is just about as close to being good as a Carry On film can be, because, in all fairness, everybody does an amazing job. Sid James is the Cockney pervert, Bernard Bresslaw is the big gullible idiot, Joan Sims is the disapproving eye-rolling nanny, Hattie James is the matron, Charles Hawtrey is meek and mild and Kenneth Williams is Kenneth Williams. And there’s a reason they’re so good at these parts. Do you want to know what that reason could possibly be? I’ll give you three guesses.
No.
Not that either.
That’s right. THEY’VE ALL PLAYED THESE CHARACTERS BEFORE!
Sid James isn’t a good Cockney pervert here. He’s ALWAYS a Cockney pervert. The entire cast is almost like an opposite to Timothy Dalton, because while Dalton stopped being Bond to avoid being type-cast, these guys have built their entire career on being typecast this film is SO STUPID!!! ARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!
Humour
What humour?
Well, have you ever seen a Carry On film? Congratulations are in order, for you can see into the future as to what this film classifies as humour. For those who haven’t, you are officially dead. However, if the picture below is any clue…
… get the main focus?
Yes, it’s double entendres, busty ladies, trombones going ‘waa, waa, waa waa waa, waa, waa’ whenever a teenager with a big bottom walks by and all things bawdy in general. American Pie based their humour on that entirely too, and they all (yes, all of them) suckled gonads, but at least they didn’t do it for 31 films. This is the 17th film, and, really, rather than being painful it’s just sad. While the not the festival of torture Carry On Dick was, this is clearly where the writers started running out of ideas, and considering how little ideas Carry On had normally, this is a damn poor attempt. Consider this fact; the most famous joke from this film is that Barbara Windsor’s bra flies off during a stretching exercise. I think they did something like that in Carry On Teacher, but the main difference is, of course, THAT FILM WASN’T SHIT!!!
Final Word
Whose idea was this?
I mean, why a camping holiday? Did we really need a film about Sid James going on a fucking holiday? How did this even get past the planning stages? THEY SHOULD’VE KILLED IT WHEN THEY HAD THE CHANCE! Even considering that this was a Carry On film, could somebody had noticed that nobody liked Carry On films at this point… and the worst thing is that this is considered the best of them. Because humanity is stupid. Seriously, it’s remembered because of one scene. ONE! SCENE! Would you like to guess? I mentioned it in the last paragraph. That’s right. Barbara Windsor getting her knockers out. Because who needs comedic timing, a plot that stays focused, clever writing and indeed a budget when you have breasts? I know the Internet didn’t exist before 1969, but there were the other Carry On films, and indeed real life women if you have half decent social skills, and they didn’t have Barbara Windsor’s bizarre laugh.
This isn’t quite when the series went downhill, I would say. The series was tumbling in a downward spiral long before this film was made. I’d more say this was the point of no return. This is the capstone to the mess that was Carry On films, a last pitiable spasm of a dying horse, and to be honest watching said horse die slowly, pathetically, is beyond more entertaining than this film. So this week, go out and kill a horse and watch it die. THE END OF THE REVIEW! GO HOME!
Yes, it’s double entendres, busty ladies, trombones going ‘waa, waa, waa waa waa, waa, waa’ whenever a teenager with a big bottom walks by and all things bawdy in general. American Pie based their humour on that entirely too, and they all (yes, all of them) suckled gonads, but at least they didn’t do it for 31 films. This is the 17th film, and, really, rather than being painful it’s just sad. While the not the festival of torture Carry On Dick was, this is clearly where the writers started running out of ideas, and considering how little ideas Carry On had normally, this is a damn poor attempt. Consider this fact; the most famous joke from this film is that Barbara Windsor’s bra flies off during a stretching exercise. I think they did something like that in Carry On Teacher, but the main difference is, of course, THAT FILM WASN’T SHIT!!!
Final Word
Whose idea was this?
I mean, why a camping holiday? Did we really need a film about Sid James going on a fucking holiday? How did this even get past the planning stages? THEY SHOULD’VE KILLED IT WHEN THEY HAD THE CHANCE! Even considering that this was a Carry On film, could somebody had noticed that nobody liked Carry On films at this point… and the worst thing is that this is considered the best of them. Because humanity is stupid. Seriously, it’s remembered because of one scene. ONE! SCENE! Would you like to guess? I mentioned it in the last paragraph. That’s right. Barbara Windsor getting her knockers out. Because who needs comedic timing, a plot that stays focused, clever writing and indeed a budget when you have breasts? I know the Internet didn’t exist before 1969, but there were the other Carry On films, and indeed real life women if you have half decent social skills, and they didn’t have Barbara Windsor’s bizarre laugh.
This isn’t quite when the series went downhill, I would say. The series was tumbling in a downward spiral long before this film was made. I’d more say this was the point of no return. This is the capstone to the mess that was Carry On films, a last pitiable spasm of a dying horse, and to be honest watching said horse die slowly, pathetically, is beyond more entertaining than this film. So this week, go out and kill a horse and watch it die. THE END OF THE REVIEW! GO HOME!
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