Sponge Culture Reviews
Rob Stoakes Reviews
Manos – The Hands of Fate
1966
Harold P. Warren
Prologue
Here we are.
The ultimate.
The dead-end in the maze. The bottom of the barrel. What is widely considered to be the worst movie of all time. And I’m not talking about Eat Pray Love bad. Not simply bad. Not Transformers 2 bad. Not Ed Wood bad. Not even Uwe Boll bad. Not even awful, or wretched, or disgusting hideous. This is way worse. I’m talking about the complete opposite of any good film. It might not be a good idea for a reviewer to do the worst film of all time early in his career, but I’ll try. This is the end of the road. This is every critic’s worst nightmare. This is Manos – The Hands of Fate. No need to introduce it. If you are at all familiar with bad movies or B-movies, you have heard legend of Manos – The Hands of Fate. So, let’s dig in.I’m scared.
Plot
So, our film begins with a family of three, Michael (played by director, producer and writer Harold Warren, because it was such a good idea when Tommy Wasseau did it) his wife Margaret (Diane Mahree, who you have never heard of) and daughter Debbie (Jackey Neyman Jones, who not even Diane Mahree has ever heard of), in a car. They plan to go on holiday, so they set off and drive into the Texas sun…
… and drive…
… and drive…
… and drive…
… and fucking drive…
… wait, they’ve been stopped by a policeman! No, doesn’t matter, he lets them past… sigh… so they drive…
… and drive…
… and drive…
… and fucking drive…
… and drive…
… and drive…
… and AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!
This takes eight minutes and seven seconds, I fucking kept count. EIGHT MINUTES OF NOTHING!!! ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY NOTHING! NOT A WORD OF DIALOGUE! OR EXPOSITION! THIS ISN’T EVEN THE CREDITS SEQUENCE! NO WORDS COME UP! NOTHING HAPPENS! EVEN CARRY ON CAMPING GOT STUFF DONE! MORE STUFF HAPPENS IN A TWO MINUTE EXCERPT OF THE YUGIOH ANIME THAN THIS BORING, FESTERING WASTE OF CELLULOID!!! ARRRGGGHHHH! HELP! HELP! ABORT THE MISSION! THE GOGGLES, THEY DO NOTHING!!! NOTHING’S HAPPENING!!!! NOT EVEN THE PHRASE ‘MAKE IT STOP’ WILL WORK BECAUSE IT HASN’T EVEN STARTED!!! WHAT’S THE SAFETY WORD?!?! HELP!!! HELP!!! HEEEEEEEEEELLLPPP!!!
… well, at least the music’s nice.
So, Michael admits to Margaret that he’s lost, so they decide to ask for directions from a man standing at the doorway to a house. And here we are: the scene you’ve all been waiting for:
I am Torgo. I take care of the place while the master is away.
Now, I am dead certain I’ve seen him in an episode of Trigun at some point.
Rob Stoakes Reviews
Manos – The Hands of Fate
1966
Harold P. Warren
Prologue
Here we are.
The ultimate.
The dead-end in the maze. The bottom of the barrel. What is widely considered to be the worst movie of all time. And I’m not talking about Eat Pray Love bad. Not simply bad. Not Transformers 2 bad. Not Ed Wood bad. Not even Uwe Boll bad. Not even awful, or wretched, or disgusting hideous. This is way worse. I’m talking about the complete opposite of any good film. It might not be a good idea for a reviewer to do the worst film of all time early in his career, but I’ll try. This is the end of the road. This is every critic’s worst nightmare. This is Manos – The Hands of Fate. No need to introduce it. If you are at all familiar with bad movies or B-movies, you have heard legend of Manos – The Hands of Fate. So, let’s dig in.
Plot
So, our film begins with a family of three, Michael (played by director, producer and writer Harold Warren, because it was such a good idea when Tommy Wasseau did it) his wife Margaret (Diane Mahree, who you have never heard of) and daughter Debbie (Jackey Neyman Jones, who not even Diane Mahree has ever heard of), in a car. They plan to go on holiday, so they set off and drive into the Texas sun…
… and drive…
… and drive…
… and drive…
… and fucking drive…
… wait, they’ve been stopped by a policeman! No, doesn’t matter, he lets them past… sigh… so they drive…
… and drive…
… and drive…
… and fucking drive…
… and drive…
… and drive…
… and AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!
This takes eight minutes and seven seconds, I fucking kept count. EIGHT MINUTES OF NOTHING!!! ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY NOTHING! NOT A WORD OF DIALOGUE! OR EXPOSITION! THIS ISN’T EVEN THE CREDITS SEQUENCE! NO WORDS COME UP! NOTHING HAPPENS! EVEN CARRY ON CAMPING GOT STUFF DONE! MORE STUFF HAPPENS IN A TWO MINUTE EXCERPT OF THE YUGIOH ANIME THAN THIS BORING, FESTERING WASTE OF CELLULOID!!! ARRRGGGHHHH! HELP! HELP! ABORT THE MISSION! THE GOGGLES, THEY DO NOTHING!!! NOTHING’S HAPPENING!!!! NOT EVEN THE PHRASE ‘MAKE IT STOP’ WILL WORK BECAUSE IT HASN’T EVEN STARTED!!! WHAT’S THE SAFETY WORD?!?! HELP!!! HELP!!! HEEEEEEEEEELLLPPP!!!
… well, at least the music’s nice.
So, Michael admits to Margaret that he’s lost, so they decide to ask for directions from a man standing at the doorway to a house. And here we are: the scene you’ve all been waiting for:
I am Torgo. I take care of the place while the master is away.
Now, I am dead certain I’ve seen him in an episode of Trigun at some point.
So the family asks Torgo where Valley Lodge is, when he says that there’s no place like that anywhere near. Then Michael realises that it’s getting dark (IN BROAD DAYLIGHT!!!) and asks Torgo if he can spend the night. His wife is, however, distressed, saying that she doesn’t like the look of the place and doesn’t want to stay there. Michael tells her to calm down, and that it will be only for one night, but she carries on insulting Torgo’s home RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM!!! As loud as she can, while he’s looking directly at her, and after he has told her that it’s getting dark and there’s nowhere to stay around here. Oddly enough, Torgo takes her side, saying that the master might not approve and that he doesn’t like kids or dogs (a dog which though the family says they have isn’t actually in shot or even heard in this scene). Sorry, I mean to say; “But the MAH-star will not app-PRUVE! He doesn’t LIKE kids and DOHGS!” Eventually, he caves in, allowing the family to spend just one night at his abode. This is after a whole minute of them just looking around awkwardly. Then Torgo goes to help get the luggage, which in of itself is worth this movie just to see how fake his limp is, and the fact that Michael is willing to let a quite clearly mentally unstable and physically disabled man get his luggage for him. “SLAVE! FETCH ME MY SUITCASE, YOU LEGLESS BASTARD!”
Once Michael and Margaret get inside, they notice the strange picture of the master. They talk about his disapproving looks (get used to the words ‘disapprove’ and ‘not approve’ because Torgo’s every other line is one of these two). Michael asks Torgo where the master is (after a dodgy cut, meaning that every stands around for a minute before going ‘OH SHIT WE’RE ON’ and I won’t mention it again because, once again, this happens in EVERY SINGLE SHOT) and Torgo says that the master is not on this world but he is with them everywhere they go. He also tells the wife that the master likes her when she gets nervous about the dog in the picture, to reassure her of her safety, but of course after implying that somebody’s dead before telling them that they like them doesn’t quite do it, and Margaret is so fucking jumpy that a wolf howling outside makes her flip her shit, despite the fact that it’s clearly far away and wolves aren’t exactly uncommon in Texas as far as I know. Mind you, it doesn’t really sound like a wolf, more like a camel in Age of Empires 2. Anyway, she DEMANDS that Michael get rid of it, and Michael’s a colossal moron, so of course he complies. Oh, and it’s dark now, despite only five minutes passing from midday to midnight. However, rather than chase the animal, he just stands at the door like a gormless idiot staring into the void! Then the family dog whose name doesn’t exist runs out to fight the camel-wolf-beast-that-we’ll-never-see. Fight music flares up dramatically while we look at a blank screen and hear some dogs barking. Truly, a battle of the fucking ages we have here.
Michael decides to save the dog, so he goes to the car and gets A BLOODY LUGER! Too late, though, for the dog’s been killed by the animal. Margaret immediately blames the FUCKING HOUSE THAT THEY ARE LIVING IN BECAUSE OF COURSE WHETHER OR NOT A WOLF CAN KILL A POODLE DEPENDS SOLELY ON YOUR GEOGRAPHY JESUS CHRIST THIS MOVIE SUCKS HELP! HELP! HEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!
So, the next morning, the family have a conversation in the living room about how they want to leave. Michael calls Torgo, who stumbles in like a drunk, and slurs ‘did you want me?’ Then Michael demands that Torgo puts the luggage back, and fast! Shouting at Torgo too! THE DUDE’S DISABLED! Sure, his limp is less convincing than the graphics for the original PlayStation, but if we’re going by movie logic Torgo is a cripple who can’t walk properly and Michael is clicking his fingers. GOD I HOPE YOU DIE IN A FIRE!
Once Michael and Margaret get inside, they notice the strange picture of the master. They talk about his disapproving looks (get used to the words ‘disapprove’ and ‘not approve’ because Torgo’s every other line is one of these two). Michael asks Torgo where the master is (after a dodgy cut, meaning that every stands around for a minute before going ‘OH SHIT WE’RE ON’ and I won’t mention it again because, once again, this happens in EVERY SINGLE SHOT) and Torgo says that the master is not on this world but he is with them everywhere they go. He also tells the wife that the master likes her when she gets nervous about the dog in the picture, to reassure her of her safety, but of course after implying that somebody’s dead before telling them that they like them doesn’t quite do it, and Margaret is so fucking jumpy that a wolf howling outside makes her flip her shit, despite the fact that it’s clearly far away and wolves aren’t exactly uncommon in Texas as far as I know. Mind you, it doesn’t really sound like a wolf, more like a camel in Age of Empires 2. Anyway, she DEMANDS that Michael get rid of it, and Michael’s a colossal moron, so of course he complies. Oh, and it’s dark now, despite only five minutes passing from midday to midnight. However, rather than chase the animal, he just stands at the door like a gormless idiot staring into the void! Then the family dog whose name doesn’t exist runs out to fight the camel-wolf-beast-that-we’ll-never-see. Fight music flares up dramatically while we look at a blank screen and hear some dogs barking. Truly, a battle of the fucking ages we have here.
Michael decides to save the dog, so he goes to the car and gets A BLOODY LUGER! Too late, though, for the dog’s been killed by the animal. Margaret immediately blames the FUCKING HOUSE THAT THEY ARE LIVING IN BECAUSE OF COURSE WHETHER OR NOT A WOLF CAN KILL A POODLE DEPENDS SOLELY ON YOUR GEOGRAPHY JESUS CHRIST THIS MOVIE SUCKS HELP! HELP! HEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!
So, the next morning, the family have a conversation in the living room about how they want to leave. Michael calls Torgo, who stumbles in like a drunk, and slurs ‘did you want me?’ Then Michael demands that Torgo puts the luggage back, and fast! Shouting at Torgo too! THE DUDE’S DISABLED! Sure, his limp is less convincing than the graphics for the original PlayStation, but if we’re going by movie logic Torgo is a cripple who can’t walk properly and Michael is clicking his fingers. GOD I HOPE YOU DIE IN A FIRE!
Hey everybody, it’s Jack Black!
So, now outside, it’s still night time (?) but the car won’t start. Not that we’d know, all I see is a black screen. Meanwhile, Torgo is talking to Margaret (after staring at her for ten seconds of no dialogue) and of course Margaret is still a massive bitch, telling Torgo that she’s had enough of this place when a) she’s only been inside for ten minutes and b) TORGO’S RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER! Torgo tells her that it wouldn’t be safe to leave now, because the master wants her for his wife. Margaret doesn’t react to this. At all. She just stands there like an idiot. I can imagine the actress just saying in her head ‘oh fucking hell what’s my line, what’s my line?’ Torgo tells her that the master can’t have her because he fancies her. OK, I mean, she’s not that hot, but in the desert you don’t really have much alternative. Margaret screams for Michael while STANDING COMPLETELY STILL! You know, you could just run away from Torgo. He’s not that fast, you know. You could just run. Torgo apologises, however, saying that he meant no harm. Wait, I mean “I meant no HARM, madam.” Margaret immediately bitches and moans, but finally says she won’t tell Michael if he protects her from the master. God I hate this woman. I want Torgo to win. He’s my favourite character now.
Michael and Margaret meet up again in the living room with Debbie (there being no other room in the house). Michael says that the car won’t start and he doesn’t know why. He asks Torgo if there’s a telephone. Guess what the reply is. “The MAH-star does NAHT app-PRUVE of such, devices.” So, finally they decide to stay for the night. Then Debbie goes missing (though considering how little we’ve seen of her, I’m sure she’s been gone for longer and they’ve only just noticed) So they try to look for her outside even though both doors to the house are bolted. This they emphasise REPEATEDLY! But, however, Debbie comes back, with a new dog! The dog from the portrait of the master, in fact. It’s about the size of Debbie, but Debbie’s quite clearly a strong lass seeing as she’s just holding it back with consummate ease. Also, her voice sounds like a grown man pretending to be a child. They go to where she found the dog, which is a tomb where a load of women have been tied up to large pillars and the master is lying down on a stone tablet. Debbie and Margaret lock themselves in a bedroom while Michael decides to ask Torgo what in blue blazes is going on. He doesn’t say it like that, though. He actually says “Torgo’s got some explaining to do” in the manner of a disapproving father in a bad US sitcom.
“Now, son, what did I tell you about having a crypt in the basement?”
TORGO LOOKS TO CAMERA SHEEPLESSLY AND SHRUGS SHOULDERS
“Who, me?”
CUE WILD LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Torgo goes down to the crypt and tells the master that Margaret is his, not the master’s, and that he has all the wives he needs. YOU TELL HIM TORGO! WOOH! GO TORGO! He then proceeds to plant his face into one of the dead tied up women’s hips…
So, now outside, it’s still night time (?) but the car won’t start. Not that we’d know, all I see is a black screen. Meanwhile, Torgo is talking to Margaret (after staring at her for ten seconds of no dialogue) and of course Margaret is still a massive bitch, telling Torgo that she’s had enough of this place when a) she’s only been inside for ten minutes and b) TORGO’S RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER! Torgo tells her that it wouldn’t be safe to leave now, because the master wants her for his wife. Margaret doesn’t react to this. At all. She just stands there like an idiot. I can imagine the actress just saying in her head ‘oh fucking hell what’s my line, what’s my line?’ Torgo tells her that the master can’t have her because he fancies her. OK, I mean, she’s not that hot, but in the desert you don’t really have much alternative. Margaret screams for Michael while STANDING COMPLETELY STILL! You know, you could just run away from Torgo. He’s not that fast, you know. You could just run. Torgo apologises, however, saying that he meant no harm. Wait, I mean “I meant no HARM, madam.” Margaret immediately bitches and moans, but finally says she won’t tell Michael if he protects her from the master. God I hate this woman. I want Torgo to win. He’s my favourite character now.
Michael and Margaret meet up again in the living room with Debbie (there being no other room in the house). Michael says that the car won’t start and he doesn’t know why. He asks Torgo if there’s a telephone. Guess what the reply is. “The MAH-star does NAHT app-PRUVE of such, devices.” So, finally they decide to stay for the night. Then Debbie goes missing (though considering how little we’ve seen of her, I’m sure she’s been gone for longer and they’ve only just noticed) So they try to look for her outside even though both doors to the house are bolted. This they emphasise REPEATEDLY! But, however, Debbie comes back, with a new dog! The dog from the portrait of the master, in fact. It’s about the size of Debbie, but Debbie’s quite clearly a strong lass seeing as she’s just holding it back with consummate ease. Also, her voice sounds like a grown man pretending to be a child. They go to where she found the dog, which is a tomb where a load of women have been tied up to large pillars and the master is lying down on a stone tablet. Debbie and Margaret lock themselves in a bedroom while Michael decides to ask Torgo what in blue blazes is going on. He doesn’t say it like that, though. He actually says “Torgo’s got some explaining to do” in the manner of a disapproving father in a bad US sitcom.
“Now, son, what did I tell you about having a crypt in the basement?”
“Who, me?”
Torgo goes down to the crypt and tells the master that Margaret is his, not the master’s, and that he has all the wives he needs. YOU TELL HIM TORGO! WOOH! GO TORGO! He then proceeds to plant his face into one of the dead tied up women’s hips…
… before perving on Margaret undressing. Then he attacks Michael, knocking him out and tying his body over a tree. GO TORGO GO! GET BACK AT THE MAN! FUCK YOU MICHAEL, THAT’S FOR COMMANDING THE DISABLED MAN AS YOUR PERSONAL SLAVE!
Back at the tomb, the master wakes up, and BAAAAAAAAAH HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! God he looks stupid. With the pasty white face, Stalin moustache, and Fu Man Chu dress. He looks like Gomez from the Addam's Family during his years as a cardinal in the Vatican.
Back at the tomb, the master wakes up, and BAAAAAAAAAH HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! God he looks stupid. With the pasty white face, Stalin moustache, and Fu Man Chu dress. He looks like Gomez from the Addam's Family during his years as a cardinal in the Vatican.
Then we cut to a policeman talking to a couple who were making out. This scene last for thirty seconds and is completely pointless.
So, the master prays to Manos, played in this motion picture by a marble bust of Ernst Blofeld. He brings his wives to life, and they unexpectedly teleport to around the fire and start gossiping as if they’re at their fucking book club. Seriously, this is the most unconvincing cult ever. They just start babbling to each other while the master looks confused. They then start arguing as to who should die and who should not. They all stop shouting, then the master shouts ‘SILENCE!’, then they start talking all over again (?). He leaves to kill Torgo (NOOOOO! NOT TORGO!) before the women start arguing over whether or not to kill the child. Then a fight starts, which as you might guess is a terrible fight. The fight music too is just funky jazz, making me think I’m watching a 1940s porno. This entire scene goes on for FIFTEEN MINUTES OF POINTLESS BICKERING!!!
Finally, the master confronts Torgo, who is asleep, so of course it takes two minutes alone for Torgo just to stand up. The master kindly waits for Torgo to get up before berating him, telling him that he has failed, and that he must die. The method of killing? Staring at him! OF COURSE! That’s all he does, just stares at him. Then he prays to Manos, telling him that the Hands of Fate will kill Torgo. Well, that was… anticlimactic.
Anyway, one of the women finds Michael and proceeds to kiss his unconscious body, before slapping him. Hey, woman, that’s one hell of a gear shift. This is before we see more shots of the bloody fight. With this, we see the master perving on Margaret. What’s so hot about Margaret if you’ve got a tomb full of women to satisfy you? Anyway, he runs back to the tomb to stop the fight, before telling them to sacrifice Torgo. They force him onto the sacrifice table, and… well, it’s kind of odd.
Michael breaks free from the ropes after waking up, going to save Margaret and Debbie, but the door’s locked and he refuses to shoot the doorknob with his Luger because, um, Superman wears his Speedos outside his costume. Back at the tomb, Torgo is killed by being rubbed on his chest and patted on the cheeks by some scantily clad women (well, it’s not really my thing but I’m sure it wouldn’t kill) before being exploded…
… no…
… not Torgo…
… why Torgo…
…WHY?
WHY, LORD, WHY?! MAKE IT NOT TRUE! NOT TORGO! ANYONE BUT HIM! PLEASE SPARE TORGO! HE WAS TOO YOUNG! HE WAS TOO BEAUTIFUL! I LOVED HIM AND YOU’VE KILLED HIM! YOU BASTARDS! YOU HEARTLESS BASTARDS! NOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!
We must be strong for Torgo.
Michael gets to Margaret who, like a broken record, demands that she leaves. Lady, I think we’ve guessed that we might want to leave the crazy place with the tomb full of dead women and a dead man running around killing people. Speaking of which, the master is slapping one of the wives, a wife who was giving him lip for being an idiot and who oddly enough looks like Princess Diana. Meanwhile the family runs for it, with the master and his wives in hot pursuit. Then, get this, MARGARET WANTS TO GO BACK!!! AND THEY DO!!! IDIOTS! DIE, YOU IDIOTS!
The police show up suddenly (?) looking around talking about gunshots (though Michael hasn’t shot anything), and they stand around a bit. Once again, this is completely pointless.
Back at the house, Michael and family confront the master. Michael shoots the master ton, but the master looks stupidly at them as if he’s looking at something behind them. Cut to the next morning, when another family drives up to the house, after YET ANOTHER FIVE MINUTE DRIVING MONTAGE, before meeting Michael at the door of the house, who says ‘I am Michael. I take care of the place while the master is away.’ Well, what a cheerful ending. I still can’t believe I watched all of that.
Acting/Characters
The acting is, well… I am Torgo. I take care of the place while the master is away.
That pretty much sets the standard. It really is all as bad as that. Debbie especially. Neyman Jones is a terrible actor even by child actor standards. She makes Jake Lloyd look like Lawrence Olivier. And her voice is eerie and alien, a warbling incoherent moan like a walrus that’s got its nutsack caught in a revolving door. Nobody else is quite so bad, but it’s pretty damn repugnant. Oddly enough, the best actor is Harold P. Warren himself. He’s not good at all, but he’s not… well, he is bad, and I mean less emotive than a background extra in The Matrix but at least he’s not painful. Unlike the master’s ‘laugh’. It isn’t as convincing as saying ‘Ha ha ha ha ha ha’ because that’s what he actually does. He just stands like an idiot, rolls his head back and goes ‘Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha’ like a retarded four year old child in a school play, which oddly enough has the same production value as this film.
Other Notes
So you might have guessed that this isn’t a scary film, like, at all. While for horror films, this is usually the biggest possible problem it can have, but there’s another huge issue with this movie. Nothing is explained. Absolutely nothing is explained. While in horror stories rooted in reality not explaining stuff is pretty damn scary at times, such as Black Christmas and The Birds, ones that trespass into the world of the supernatural need to explain themselves to an extent. Because, in the end, what the fuck are The Hands of Fate anyway? The master says that they’ll kill Torgo, but in the end he does it himself. And just what is Manos? The master repeatedly prays to Manos and refers him as a god. Ok, so he’s the god of what? Come on, movie, tell us. TELL US! WHAT IS MANOS A GOD OF? WHY DOES HE NEED SACRIFICES? DOES HE ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING? WHY DOES THE MASTER HAVE SUPERNATURAL POWERS? DOES HE HAVE SUPERNATURAL POWERS? IT’S IMPLIED, WHAT WITH THE ENDING, BUT HOW DID HE MANAGE TO DO THAT? HE COULDN’T CONTROL ANYONE’S MIND BEFORE, SO WHY NOW? I THOUGHT AT THE BEGINNING THAT HE WAS MANOS, BUT HE ISN’T!!! WHY? WHY DOES HE NEED SOME MANY WIVES? WHY DOES HE NEED TO KILL MICHAEL? WHY DOESN’T HE KILL MICHAEL? SOMEBODY JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH!!!
Michael gets to Margaret who, like a broken record, demands that she leaves. Lady, I think we’ve guessed that we might want to leave the crazy place with the tomb full of dead women and a dead man running around killing people. Speaking of which, the master is slapping one of the wives, a wife who was giving him lip for being an idiot and who oddly enough looks like Princess Diana. Meanwhile the family runs for it, with the master and his wives in hot pursuit. Then, get this, MARGARET WANTS TO GO BACK!!! AND THEY DO!!! IDIOTS! DIE, YOU IDIOTS!
The police show up suddenly (?) looking around talking about gunshots (though Michael hasn’t shot anything), and they stand around a bit. Once again, this is completely pointless.
Back at the house, Michael and family confront the master. Michael shoots the master ton, but the master looks stupidly at them as if he’s looking at something behind them. Cut to the next morning, when another family drives up to the house, after YET ANOTHER FIVE MINUTE DRIVING MONTAGE, before meeting Michael at the door of the house, who says ‘I am Michael. I take care of the place while the master is away.’ Well, what a cheerful ending. I still can’t believe I watched all of that.
Acting/Characters
The acting is, well… I am Torgo. I take care of the place while the master is away.
That pretty much sets the standard. It really is all as bad as that. Debbie especially. Neyman Jones is a terrible actor even by child actor standards. She makes Jake Lloyd look like Lawrence Olivier. And her voice is eerie and alien, a warbling incoherent moan like a walrus that’s got its nutsack caught in a revolving door. Nobody else is quite so bad, but it’s pretty damn repugnant. Oddly enough, the best actor is Harold P. Warren himself. He’s not good at all, but he’s not… well, he is bad, and I mean less emotive than a background extra in The Matrix but at least he’s not painful. Unlike the master’s ‘laugh’. It isn’t as convincing as saying ‘Ha ha ha ha ha ha’ because that’s what he actually does. He just stands like an idiot, rolls his head back and goes ‘Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha’ like a retarded four year old child in a school play, which oddly enough has the same production value as this film.
Other Notes
So you might have guessed that this isn’t a scary film, like, at all. While for horror films, this is usually the biggest possible problem it can have, but there’s another huge issue with this movie. Nothing is explained. Absolutely nothing is explained. While in horror stories rooted in reality not explaining stuff is pretty damn scary at times, such as Black Christmas and The Birds, ones that trespass into the world of the supernatural need to explain themselves to an extent. Because, in the end, what the fuck are The Hands of Fate anyway? The master says that they’ll kill Torgo, but in the end he does it himself. And just what is Manos? The master repeatedly prays to Manos and refers him as a god. Ok, so he’s the god of what? Come on, movie, tell us. TELL US! WHAT IS MANOS A GOD OF? WHY DOES HE NEED SACRIFICES? DOES HE ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING? WHY DOES THE MASTER HAVE SUPERNATURAL POWERS? DOES HE HAVE SUPERNATURAL POWERS? IT’S IMPLIED, WHAT WITH THE ENDING, BUT HOW DID HE MANAGE TO DO THAT? HE COULDN’T CONTROL ANYONE’S MIND BEFORE, SO WHY NOW? I THOUGHT AT THE BEGINNING THAT HE WAS MANOS, BUT HE ISN’T!!! WHY? WHY DOES HE NEED SOME MANY WIVES? WHY DOES HE NEED TO KILL MICHAEL? WHY DOESN’T HE KILL MICHAEL? SOMEBODY JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH!!!
Thanks to this film, I’ve taken up excessive drinking.
Final Word
Did you know that this film was the result of a bet?
Harold P. Warren was a fertiliser salesman who betted Stirling Silliphant, writer of screenplays such as The Towering Inferno, In the Heat of Night and The Poseidon Adventure, that he could make a successful horror film on a limited budget of $19,000. That should tell you how BAD this movie is when the writer, producer, director and lead actor sold horse shit for a living. And I refuse to believe that it cost $19,000. I know films are expensive, but I could re-shoot this film scene by scene on a budget of $50. It is horribly written, horribly shot, horribly acted and horribly edited. It’s about 67 minutes long, and I still can’t believe that I managed to sit through it. It’s atrocious, it’s ghastly, it’s…
… it’s…
… sigh. It’s an underrated film.
It’s not nearly as bad as it’s made out to be. Well, it is, but nowhere near to how boring people say it is. It’s actually one of the most entertaining films I’ve seen of all time. It’s now one of my favourites, due to just how ludicrously stupid and funny it is. I was in stitches, and I highly recommend this film to anyone who likes the fascinatingly awful and the terribly entertaining. Manos – The Hands of Fate; it gets my seal of approval. Sorry, I mean ‘the MAH-star will app-PRUVE!’
Final Word
Did you know that this film was the result of a bet?
Harold P. Warren was a fertiliser salesman who betted Stirling Silliphant, writer of screenplays such as The Towering Inferno, In the Heat of Night and The Poseidon Adventure, that he could make a successful horror film on a limited budget of $19,000. That should tell you how BAD this movie is when the writer, producer, director and lead actor sold horse shit for a living. And I refuse to believe that it cost $19,000. I know films are expensive, but I could re-shoot this film scene by scene on a budget of $50. It is horribly written, horribly shot, horribly acted and horribly edited. It’s about 67 minutes long, and I still can’t believe that I managed to sit through it. It’s atrocious, it’s ghastly, it’s…
… it’s…
… sigh. It’s an underrated film.
It’s not nearly as bad as it’s made out to be. Well, it is, but nowhere near to how boring people say it is. It’s actually one of the most entertaining films I’ve seen of all time. It’s now one of my favourites, due to just how ludicrously stupid and funny it is. I was in stitches, and I highly recommend this film to anyone who likes the fascinatingly awful and the terribly entertaining. Manos – The Hands of Fate; it gets my seal of approval. Sorry, I mean ‘the MAH-star will app-PRUVE!’
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